Clever, cute quotes about family fun and dysFUNction. Float your boat with free clean jokes that find the funny in relationships: Love, Dating, Marriage, Men, Women, Divorce, Parents, Kids, Grandparents, Aging, Seniors, Friendship. With enough good quotes and jokes you’ll never have to sink or swim.
Love doesn't make the word go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
- Franklin P. Jones
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
- Linda Barry
I’m looking for someone who will love me for who I think I am.
- Tim Lachowski (from a cartoon)
It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
- Laurence J. Peter
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all of his friends went to the funeral ... in one car.
- Steven Wright
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends.
- Kin Hubbard
You got friends, then you got your best friend. Big difference. To me, a friend is a guy who will help you move. A best friend is a guy who will help you move a body.
- Dave Attell
The best way to eat a mango is in the shower with a friend.
- Greg Tamblyn
My last relationship ended when my boyfriend called 911 for what he thought was me having a stroke, but was just my seductive scarves dance.
- Angie Davis (❤️Peen) @Adar79Angie
What if you met your soulmate and then you found out that they clapped at the end of movies?
- Captain Morgan @MorganJ7
Relationship status: Sitting on the other side of the couch tonight just to switch things up and keep it exciting.
- Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues
She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
There are many more people trying to meet the right person than to become the right person.
- Gloria Steinem
Quotes About Men
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
- Mae West
Men are stupid and women are crazy. And the reason women are crazy is because men are so stupid.
- George Carlin
If men could choose the gender of their unborn children, the human race
would die out in a single generation. But we’d get a few decades of
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
- Dave Barry
Quotes About Women
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
- Kin Hubbard
Those people who have no trouble separating the men from the boys are called women.
- Howard Tamplin
I bet after that female NFL ref throws a flag, they'll ask her what's wrong and she'll say, "Nothing."
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
Ah women, they make the highs higher, and the lows more frequent.
- Friedrich Nietzche
We’re happily married. We wake up in the middle of the night and laugh at each other.
- Bob Hope
When he comes home at night and I hear his key in the lock I say to myself, "Oh good! The party’s about to begin."
- Ann Bancroft, on being married to Mel Brooks
These days, “happily ever after” means both parties remember to take their meds.
- Greg Tamblyn
When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.
- Helen Rowland
Quotes About Divorce
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
My husband and I had a very messy divorce because there was a baby involved. Him. And I didn’t want custody.
- Wendy Liebman
Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.
- Rita Mae Brown
75% of parenting is just trying to locate the bad smell.
- JeanneMarie @jeannerbeaner
When your children are teenagers it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
- Nora Ephron
Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after college.
- Tom Mason
The other day, Mom said, “Notice anything different about me?” Which of course made me nervous. A man wants to come up with the right answer to this question. You don’t want to say, “You got a haircut,” if the correct answer is that her leg was amputated.
- Garrison Keillor
Quotes About Kids
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
- Sam Levenson
Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child’s room late at night hates Legos.
- Tony Kornheiser
This spring I participated in a sailing race from South Carolina halfway across the Atlantic to Bermuda....for seven days, non of us slept for more than three hours at a time. Which is how Stalin broke his enemies. And how infants break their parents.
- Stephen Colbert
You never know what you’re going to get, and children have their own personalities immediately. I was watching little kids on a carousel, some kids were jumping on the horses, some kids were afraid of the horses, and some kids were betting on the horses.
- Rita Rudner
I'm not rushing into being in love. Fourth grade is hard enough.
- Regina, Age 10
My three-year-old just told me she’s a ninja. I told her she’s not very good because I can see her. She said, “Only because I want you to.” Now I’m scared.
5 year old: "Dad, where's mom?"
Me: "She's in her room."
5 year old: "Why? What did she do?"
- Aristotles @AristotlesNZ
5 year old: "Daddy, is mommy the boss of you?"
5yo: [confused look]
- Father With Twins @FatherWithTwins
Quotes About Grandparents
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
- Sam Levenson
Theres nothing like having grandchildren to restore your faith in heredity.
- Doug Larson
I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense.
- Gene Perret
The simplest toy, which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.
- Sam Levenson
Quotes About Aging
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Tom Stoppard
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
- George Burns
I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.
- Kinky Friedman
I’m so old that when I order a three-minute egg they make me pay up front.
- Henny Youngman
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