Humorous Quotes: Doctors, Food,
Beauty, Exercise, and more

Humorous Quotes: Doctors, Food, Beauty, Exercise, and more

Highly humorous quotes to hit the happy note on your health-o-meter. Funny stuff about popular personal culture: Health, Clothes, Exercise, Doctors, Beauty, Food, and Dancing. Get fit and get funny!

* Links below to lots more quotes about all these.


But first, help yourself to the Video Joke of the Day...

Brand New From JokeQuote:

Now Everybody Gets To Be Funny!

MilkSnort! The Joke Party Game - Click Here

Very Funny Jokes: "Doctors"

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck

I have too many other afflictions to worry about hypochondria.
- Greg Tamblyn

I called my gastroenterologist to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
- Dave Barry

Doctors should be required to have the logos of their drug companies pasted all over their lab coats, just like NASCAR drivers.
- (from a cartoon by Dan Wasserman)

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
- Little Greenis ‏@DurtMcHurtt

Pharmacies would be a lot more fun if they did what grocery stores do: free samples.
- Unknown Author

More Hilarious Short Quotes About DOCTORS and MEDICINE


Humorous Quotes: "Health"

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
-Steven Wright

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
- Doug Larson

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
- Phil Proctor

I’m 54 and otherwise blessed with fine health, but I have the right knee of a 77-year-old woman. And whoever she is I wish she had taken better care of herself.
- Colin McEnroe

If you can't afford health insurance, just do what I do: rely on the placebo effect.
- Greg Tamblyn

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
- Robert Orben


Humorous Quotes: "Beauty"

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
- Phyllis Diller

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld

When people invite me to a party and ask me to bring a dish, I tell them “I am the dish.”
- Ruth Forman

Plastic surgeon to patient: “Our deluxe package includes a face lift, tummy tuck, nose job, breast implants, and 18 months of psychotherapy for your children, who will no longer recognize you.”
- from a cartoon by Dan Piraro

Why does Miss Universe always come from Earth? It’s like the rest of the planets aren’t even trying.
- Jason Love

Hair is the first thing. And teeth the second. Hair and teeth. A man got those two things he's got it all.
- James Brown


Humorous Quotes: "Clothes"

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton

Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.
- Mae West

What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur.
- Angela LaGreca

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Lady Gaga donated her old clothes to the homeless. The homeless wouldn’t take them.
- Anonymous

God created autumn because He was tired of hearing Eve complain about having to wear the same old fig leaf.
- Melanie White


Humorous Quotes: "Food"

A new study shows that you can drastically reduce your cholesterol by eating somewhere other than America.
- Andy Borowitz

I don't have any beef with vegetarians.
- Prontopup @prontopup

Only a rank degenerate would drive 1,500 miles across Texas without eating a chicken fried steak.
- Larry McMurtry

Mangoes: brought to you by the makers of dental floss.
- Greg Tamblyn

You have to read food labels very carefully. Sometimes “salt-free” means they’re not charging you any extra for all the salt that’s in it.
- Melanie White

When I buy cookies I eat just four and then throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won’t dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn’t taste that bad.
- Janette Barber

More Funny Food Quotes


Humor Quotes: "Exercise"

I want a gym where they let you push big appliances off a cliff.
- Sam Ashton Moon

I like to hang out in the steam room with large, furry creatures who grunt but don’t say much. It’s like Gorillas In The Mist in there.
- Jason Love

Exercise? No way. I got a hernia just trying to hold in my stomach.
- Greg Tamblyn

Husband to wife: “My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove by a store that sells sweat pants.”
- from a cartoon by Randy Glasbergen

Do you know why weightlifters do such a small number of reps? That’s usually only as high as they can count.
- Melanie White

I'd be more of a fan of exercising if calories screamed when you burned them.
Jehmeh ‏@Bearslietoo

More Funny Sayings About EXERCISE


Humorous Quotes: Dancing

I avoid any relationship that has a risk of dancing.
- Dilbert (Scott Adams)

If I'm about to sneeze, I like to stand up and make it the first part of an interpretive dance.
- David Acer ‏@David_Acer

If you have a skeleton in your closet, take it out and dance with it.
- Carolyn MacKenzie

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
- John Milton

I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.
- Conan O’Brien

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman

More Funny Dance Quotes

You could pay a comedian $3,000 to come to your party and you still won’t laugh as hard or have as much fun as you will with MilkSnort!

All for less than a latte.

Click here to get the skinny!


* Also great for staff meetings and team building.


New! Comments

Leave A Note or Share A Joke! All comments are moderated by the Head Lafologist.

Go back from "Humorous Quotes" to "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"

MilkSnort! The Joke Party Game elevates your endorphins, amplifies your amusement, and improves your digestion.

It's the most fun you can have without whipped cream.

It's only available here at JokeQuote.

Your gang will think you're a genius for discovering it.

Click Here to check it out.

* Also great for staff meetings and team building.