Let these funny mother jokes lighten your load with a load of laughter. Moms get a lot of grief, but without them where would we be? Nonexistent!
I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, “Not yet, but we placed an ad.”
- Dana Snow
My mom from time to time puts on her wedding dress. Not because she’s sentimental. She just gets really far behind in her laundry.
- Brian Kiley
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?', it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
- Erma Bombeck
Dear Mom, Thanks for being my mom. If I had a different mom, I would punch her in the face and go find you. Love, Brodie.
My mom is a neat freak. If she adopted a highway, she’d mop it once a week.
- Daniel Liebert
My mom thinks coupons are money, and gives them for gifts.
- Jane Warren
A 3-way? No thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two women at once, I'd go out to lunch with my mom and ex-wife.
- The Nerd @drunknerdpro
"You were always very normal, really average at everything you did." My mom, complimenting me.
- Lurk @ Home Mom @LurkAtHomeMom
I have trouble telling women my feelings. I think it gets back to the first time I told my mom I loved her. I said, “I love you, Mommy.” And she said, “Slow down. I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. You’re going way too fast.”
- Mike Rubin
I’m very loyal in a relationship, all
relationships. When I’m with my mom, I don’t look at other moms and
think: "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like?"
- Garry Shandling
I saw my mom today. It was all right. She didn’t see me.
- Margaret Smith
My mother and I had different attitudes about sex. She said, “Whatever you do, don’t sleep with a man till he buys you a house.” Well, it worked for her. And I got a swing set out of the deal.
- Judy Brown
My mother is 60, and her whole life she only slept with one guy. She won’t tell me who.
- Wendy Leibman
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least that’s what he told us in the letter.
- Drew Carey
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett
Instead of saying hello, my mom gets on the phone and says, “Guess who died?”
- Dom Irrera
mom, she wakes me up at 6:00 in the morning and says, “The early bird
catches the worm. “ If I want a worm, Mom, I’ll drink a bottle of
- Pam Stone
My mom taught me everything I needed to know: don’t talk to strangers, don’t pay retail, and the size of your hair should always match the size of your ass.
- Stephanie Schiern
If you’re looking for a way to piss off your mother, here’s what I suggest. Next time you’re driving with your mom, stop in from of the local strip joint. Put the car in park and say, “I’ll be right back. I just have to go in and pick up my check.”
- Julie Gold
My mom just wrote her autobiography. Pick it up. It’s in the stores right now. It’s called, “I Came, I Saw, I Criticized.”
- Judy Gold
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
- Richard Jeni
My mom was a little weird. When I was little she would make chocolate frosting, and she’d let me lick the beaters. Then she’d turn them off.
- Marty Cohen
My mom is so neurotic. She puts down toilet paper on the seat even at our relative’s house, at the dinner table.
- Wendy Liebman
I hope all my blood tests come back as negative as my mother is.
- Kate Mason
is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything.
Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones
glass off a kitchen table. She said, “Well dammit, we can’t have nice
- Paula Poundstone
When my mother writes out her income tax return every year, under “occupation,” she writes, “Eroding my daughter’s self-esteem.”
- Robin Roberts
Mom, I was gonna give you an all expenses paid, first-class trip to Hawaii for Mothers Day, but I knew how much you'd miss me and I just couldn't put you through that kind of agony.
- Unknown Author
How is it that my mother can’t see well enough to thread a needle, but she can see right through me?
- Melanie White
Mothers are more fond of their children than fathers because mothers are more certain the children are their own.
A good woman would rather be the mother of a genius than the wife of a hero.
- Gelett Burgess
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