Moms get a lot of grief, but without them where would we be? Nonexistent! Let these funny mother jokes lighten your load with lots of laughter.
Links to more mother jokes at the bottom.
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Dear Mom, Thanks for being my mom. If I had a different mom, I would punch her in the face and go find you. Love, Brodie.
I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, “Not yet, but we placed an ad.”
- Dana Snow
My mom from time to time puts on her wedding dress. Not because she’s sentimental. She just gets really far behind in her laundry.
- Brian Kiley
My mom is a neat freak. If she adopted a highway, she’d mop it once a week.
- Daniel Liebert
My mom thinks coupons are money, and gives them for gifts.
- Jane Warren
A 3-way? No thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two women at once, I'd go out to lunch with my mom and ex-wife.
- The Nerd @drunknerdpro
"You were always very normal, really average at everything you did." My mom, complimenting me.
- Lurk @ Home Mom @LurkAtHomeMom
I have trouble telling women my feelings. I think it gets back to the first time I told my mom I loved her. I said, “I love you, Mommy.” And she said, “Slow down. I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. You’re going way too fast.”
- Mike Rubin
I’m very loyal in a relationship, all
relationships. When I’m with my mom, I don’t look at other moms and
think: "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like?"
- Garry Shandling
I saw my mom today. It was all right. She didn’t see me.
- Margaret Smith
My mother and I had different attitudes about sex. She said, “Whatever you do, don’t sleep with a man till he buys you a house.” Well, it worked for her. And I got a swing set out of the deal.
- Judy Brown
My mother is 60, and her whole life she only slept with one guy. She won’t tell me who.
- Wendy Leibman
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least that’s what he told us in the letter.
- Drew Carey
Instead of saying hello, my mom gets on the phone and says, “Guess who died?”
- Dom Irrera
mom, she wakes me up at 6:00 in the morning and says, “The early bird
catches the worm. “ If I want a worm, Mom, I’ll drink a bottle of
- Pam Stone
My mom taught me everything I needed to know: don’t talk to strangers, don’t pay retail, and the size of your hair should always match the size of your ass.
- Stephanie Schiern
If you’re looking for a way to piss off your mother, here’s what I suggest. Next time you’re driving with your mom, stop in from of the local strip joint. Put the car in park and say, “I’ll be right back. I just have to go in and pick up my check.”
- Julie Gold
My mom just wrote her autobiography. Pick it up. It’s in the stores right now. It’s called, “I Came, I Saw, I Criticized.”
- Judy Gold
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
- Richard Jeni
My mom was a little weird. When I was little she would make chocolate frosting, and she’d let me lick the beaters. Then she’d turn them off.
- Marty Cohen
My mom is so neurotic. She puts down toilet paper on the seat even at our relative’s house, at the dinner table.
- Wendy Liebman
I hope all my blood tests come back as negative as my mother is.
- Kate Mason
is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything.
Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones
glass off a kitchen table. She said, “Well dammit, we can’t have nice
- Paula Poundstone
When my mother writes out her income tax return every year, under “occupation,” she writes, “Eroding my daughter’s self-esteem.”
- Robin Roberts
Mom, I was gonna give you an all expenses paid, first-class trip to Hawaii for Mothers Day, but I knew how much you'd miss me and I just couldn't put you through that kind of agony.
- Unknown Author
How is it that my mother can’t see well enough to thread a needle, but she can see right through me?
- Melanie White
you’re reading a book to your child and you decide to do a funny voice,
you better be prepared to repeat that voice like for three frigging
- Unknown Author
A good woman would rather be the mother of a genius than the wife of a hero.
- Gelett Burgess
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