Funny Mother Jokes & One-Liners

Let these funny mother jokes lighten your load with a load of laughter. Moms get a lot of grief, but without them where would we be? Nonexistent!

Funny Mother Jokes: Funny image of mom telling her little boy "Don't make me use my crabby mommy powers."

Funny Mother Jokes

Group 1

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, “Not yet, but we placed an ad.”
- Dana Snow

My mom from time to time puts on her wedding dress. Not because she’s sentimental. She just gets really far behind in her laundry.
- Brian Kiley

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?', it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
- Erma Bombeck

Mothers are more fond of their children than fathers because mothers are more certain the children are their own.
- Aristotle

MEDIUM: I sense a presence, but I’m not sure if it’s your mother.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Looks like you’ve gained some weight. And you’re so pale—don’t you get any sun?

ME: It’s her.

- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

Funny Mother Jokes

Group 2

My mom is a neat freak. If she adopted a highway, she’d mop it once a week.
- Daniel Liebert

My mom thinks coupons are money, and gives them for gifts.
- Jane Warren

A 3-way? No thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two women at once, I'd go out to lunch with my mom and ex-wife.
- The Nerd ‏@drunknerdpro

"You were always very normal, really average at everything you did." My mom, complimenting me.
- Lurk @ Home Mom ‏@LurkAtHomeMom

I have trouble telling women my feelings. I think it gets back to the first time I told my mom I loved her. I said, “I love you, Mommy.” And she said, “Slow down. I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. You’re going way too fast.”
- Mike Rubin

I’m very loyal in a relationship, all relationships. When I’m with my mom, I don’t look at other moms and think: "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like?"
- Garry Shandling

Funny Mother Jokes

Group 3

My mother and I had different attitudes about sex. She said, “Whatever you do, don’t sleep with a man till he buys you a house.” Well, it worked for her. And I got a swing set out of the deal.
- Judy Brown

My mother is 60, and her whole life she only slept with one guy. She won’t tell me who.
- Wendy Leibman

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least that’s what he told us in the letter.
- Drew Carey

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett

Motherhood: Powered by love. Fueled by coffee. Sustained by wine.
- Unknown Author

The term 'working mother' is redundant.
- Erma Bombeck

This Might Just Save Your Party...

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Funny Mother Jokes
Group 4

Instead of saying hello, my mom gets on the phone and says, “Guess who died?”
- Dom Irrera

My mom, she wakes me up at 6:00 in the morning and says, “The early bird catches the worm. “ If I want a worm, Mom, I’ll drink a bottle of tequila.
- Pam Stone

My mom taught me everything I needed to know: don’t talk to strangers, don’t pay retail, and the size of your hair should always match the size of your ass.
- Stephanie Schiern

If you’re looking for a way to piss off your mother, here’s what I suggest. Next time you’re driving with your mom, stop in from of the local strip joint. Put the car in park and say, “I’ll be right back. I just have to go in and pick up my check.”
- Julie Gold

I'm not ignoring mothers, I just can't decide if it's Mother's Day, Mothers' Day, or Mothers Day.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Nothing is really lost until mom can’t find it.
- Unknown Author

Banner with Ogden Nash quote: "I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, if I belittle dogs and mothers."

Funny Mother Jokes

Group 5

My mom just wrote her autobiography. Pick it up. It’s in the stores right now. It’s called, “I Came, I Saw, I Criticized.”
- Judy Gold

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
- Richard Jeni

My mom was a little weird. When I was little she would make chocolate frosting, and she’d let me lick the beaters. Then she’d turn them off.
- Marty Cohen

My mom is so neurotic. She puts down toilet paper on the seat even at our relative’s house, at the dinner table.
- Wendy Liebman

I hope all my blood tests come back as negative as my mother is.
- Kate Mason

The reason I don’t call my mother more often is that I get tired of her complaining that I never call.

- Melanie White

Funny Mother Jokes

Group 6

My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off a kitchen table. She said, “Well dammit, we can’t have nice things.”
- Paula Poundstone

When my mother writes out her income tax return every year, under “occupation,” she writes, “Eroding my daughter’s self-esteem.”
- Robin Roberts

Mom, I was gonna give you an all expenses paid, first-class trip to Hawaii for Mothers Day, but I knew how much you'd miss me and I just couldn't put you through that kind of agony.
- Unknown Author

How is it that my mother can’t see well enough to thread a needle, but she can see right through me?
- Melanie White

A good woman would rather be the mother of a genius than the wife of a hero.
- Gelett Burgess

Clever Yiddish Proverb: "God could not be everywhere, so he made mothers."

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