Hilarious One Liners - Marriage

Hilarious One Liners - Marriage

So many hilarious one liners about “marital bliss.” Even Socrates gets into the act. Marriage gives you lots to laugh about - with your partner or without.

Links to more marriage humor at the bottom.
Share your own joke or feedback in the Comment box.


But first, help yourself to the Video Joke of the Day...

Brand New From JokeQuote:

Now Everybody Gets To Be Funny!

MilkSnort! The Joke Party Game - Click Here

Hilarious One Liners:
Marriage, Group 1

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
- Bette Midler

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
- Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
- Mickey Rooney (married 8 times)


Hilarious One Liners:
Marriage, Group 2

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.
- Dick Martin

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West


Funny Quotations:
Marriage
, Group 3

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
- W. C. Fields

Marriage is a three-ring circus. First the engagement ring, the the wedding ring, then the suffering.
- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
- Henny Youngman

Gays and lesbians getting married -- haven’t they suffered enough?
- From a cartoon by Michael Shaw

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- George Carlin

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
- James Thurber


Hilarious One Liners:
Marriage
, Group 4

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
- Nora Ephron

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
- Jack Benny

Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
- Spike Milligan

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it.
- Walter Matthau


Hilarious One Liners:
Marriage, Group 5

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
- Rodney Dangerfield

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
- Shelley Winters

My friend’s snoring is so bad his wife bought one of those anti-snoring devices. I believe it’s called a taser.
- Greg Tamblyn

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little attention, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
- Henny Youngman

I was so cold the other day, I almost got married.
- Shelley Winters

When marriage goes out the door, love comes innuendo!
- Groucho Marx



Funny Quotations: Marriage, Group 6

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mr. Right is coming. But he's in Africa and he's walking.
- Oprah Winfrey

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland

Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.
- Franck Dubosc

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde


You could pay a comedian $3,000 to come to your party and you still won’t laugh as hard or have as much fun as you will with MilkSnort!

All for less than a latte.

Click here to get the skinny!


* Also great for staff meetings and team building.


New! Comments

Leave A Note or Share A Joke! All comments are moderated by the Head Lafologist.

MilkSnort! The Joke Party Game elevates your endorphins, amplifies your amusement, and improves your digestion.

It's the most fun you can have without whipped cream.

It's only available here at JokeQuote.

Your gang will think you're a genius for discovering it.

Click Here to check it out.

* Also great for staff meetings and team building.


If you enjoyed these hilarious one liners about marriage:

Short Marriage Jokes

Funny Marriage Quotes

Or go back:

From "Hilarious One Liners" to "Cute Quotes"

Or back to the Home Page: "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"