Dating Quotes & Funny Dating Tweets

Dating Quotes & Funny Dating Tweets

Dating quotes from the funniest folks on Twitter. For the times when it's golden, and the times when it's glitter. If you're single, want to mingle, check these out before you jingle.



Dating Quotes & Tweets

Group 1

Photo of sexy female wearing stethoscope. Caption: I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Photo of sexy female wearing stethoscope. Caption: I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have
- snowjob ‏@canadasandra

In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.
- Andy Richter ‏@AndyRichter

I'm in an open relationship. Really open. He doesn't even know he's in the relationship.
- Emily ‏@EmInPortland

If you think your friends really know you, wait until you see who they try to set you up with.
- Erica ‏@SCbchbum


Dating Quotes & One-Liners
Group 2

"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area."
- Sam Grittner ‏@SamGrittner

Relationship status: credit card declined on eHarmony.
- Taylor ‏@gingerfaced

Someone's eventually going to slip, and I'll be there. My dating strategy.
- The Mice ‏@InsouciantMan

I’ve dated a lot of worst case scenarios.
- Jane ‏@jane_bot

If you're getting serious about someone, check out what number their toaster is set at, because that's what you're going to live with.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

The best part of any relationship is when one of the people says "This may get a little weird."
- Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of  minutes.
- Woody ‏@WoodyLuvsCoffee



Dating Quotes & One-Liners
Group 3

Hate to admit how many times I've broken up with someone and they didn't notice.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Honey, sweetie and baby are the pet names for my TV remotes.
- Jane ‏@jane_bot

DATE: if you're gonna be on your phone the whole time then I'm leaving.
ME: (without looking up) ok then can I have the rest of your nachos?
- Br&on the Cow ‏@Brampersandon_

My girlfriend always nags me about our relationship needing more "communication" and "intimacy" and "keys to the home locks I just changed."
- Brian ‏@Black__Elvis

When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.
- Shea ‏@Glorificus917


Dating Quotes & Tweets
Group 4

Sometimes I start thinking I might want a relationship, but then I find out my car repairs are minor and I snap out of it.
- Erica ‏@SCbchbum

A fun thing to do on a first date is to act all offended that she doesn't say the Pledge of Allegiance before eating.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

One day I hope to meet that special someone who wants to prove a point to her disapproving parents.
- Ryan ‏@Mr57percent

Relationships are mostly guessing what the other person is thinking, and being wrong.
- moiste porque ‏@MoistPork

Him: I can't believe you are breaking up with me.
Me: Who are you again?
- Michele McTierney ‏@MicheleMMusic


Photo of intense brunette woman pointing finger for emphasis. Caption: I only date to remind myself why I'm not married.
Photo of intense brunette woman pointing finger for emphasis. Caption: I only date to remind myself why I'm not married.


Dating Quotes & One-Liners

Group 5

A can of soda exploded all over me without warning and it reminded me of an ex boyfriend.
- Jane ‏@jane_bot

Here's to all the single ladies! Throw your hands in the air!  [Thousands of cats hit the floor]
- Woody ‏@WoodyLuvsCoffee

[first date]
Her: It feels weird going to dinner with someone I’ve only seen in photographs.
Me: Same for me. I mean, unless binoculars count.
- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

I forgot the rules about what to do on a 3rd date so, long story short, I stole his wallet and his cat.
- Jedi Cheesy Grits ‏@JediGigi

SON: Dad, Meet my date.
DAD: Join us for dinner?
DATE: I'm vegan.
DAD: Hi Vegan, I'm dad
SON: Good one, dad!
*date leaves while dad & son hi-five*
- Terry F ‏@daemonic3


Dating Quotes & One-Liners
Group 6

Women getting ready to go out should be an Olympic sport.
Women getting ready to go out should be an Olympic sport.

When did you decide to always be single? My moment was when I realized I would literally never wait to eat until someone got home.
- Soph Benoit @1followernodad

It's not you, it's me and my preference for not dating psychos.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

If you're dating a woman with a porcelain doll collection, I hope you have an exit strategy.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

The loudest silence in the world is the silence between a really old white guy dining across from his super young Asian girlfriend.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

It's been a while since I've been in a 'share chapstick' relationship.
- Jane ‏@jane_bot

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them.
- AmberTozer ‏@AmberTozer 

[first date]

Me: That's a lovely anklet you're wearing. Where did you get it?
Her: State Parole Office. Thanks for bringing over dinner.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets


Dating Quotes & One-Liners
Group 7

Having dinner with the old boyfriend tonight and I realize it's kinda like Hollywood deciding to make a sequel to Ishtar
- Mare Bytes ‏@marebytes

I've found it hard to sleep since I broke up with my girlfriend. I'm not upset, but when she moved out I went from 47 pillows down to just 1.
- Bread John ‏@Breadery

Ladies, when a guy carves your names in a tree. Don't go "awww."
Go, "Why the fuck did you bring a knife with you on our date?!" Then run.
- Groves ‏@XGroverX

Me: If Obi-Wan's clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn't ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
- huntigula ‏@huntigula

Dreamt my boyfriend was cheating on me and he doesn't understand why I'm pissed off at him today. Boys are so stupid.
- I am CanadianCyn ‏@CanadianCyn

Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
- Just Linda 〰 @LindaInDisguise

[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I've been to Stonehenge.
- Alien Skier @ClichedOut



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Copyright Notice:

All quotations by Greg Tamblyn and Melanie White are copyrighted,
unique to this site, and may only be used with permission. Thank you.

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