Humorous to hilarious cool quotes for hot topics. Funny quotations about Civilization, Humanity, Work, Death, Life, Inspiration, Money, Success. Relax, have some laughs. Your brain will thank you.
Links below to lots more pages about all these topics.
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If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
- William Lyon Phelps
The only problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.
- Franklin P. Jones
When things go wrong, don't go with them.
- Elvis Presley
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
- Edgar Watson Howe
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and then don't say it.
- Sam Levenson
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. Just don’t do it on a crowded elevator or people get uncomfortable.
- Kent Graham @KentWGraham
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
- Brendan Gill
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers ‘Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.’
- Charles M. Schulz
Life is short. Use the good towels.
- || Susan || @onascaleof1210
Life is tough. What do you get at the end? Death. What’s that, a bonus? The life cycle is backward. You should die first, get it out of the way, then live in an old age home. Get kicked out when you’re too young, get a gold watch, go to work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. Do drugs, alcohol, party, and get ready for high school. Go to grade school, become a kid, play, have no responsibilities, become a baby. go back to the womb, spend your last nine months floating, and finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin
More like these:
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager.”
- William S. Burroughs
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
- Bernard Bailey
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
- Benjamin Franklin
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
- W. H. Auden
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much — the wheel, New York, wars and so on — whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man — for precisely the same reasons.
- Douglas Adams
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
- David Brent
Behind every successful man stands an amazed woman.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
I want to be successful enough to board with group A.
- Eden Dranger @Eden_Eats
What is success? It is a toy balloon among children armed with pins.
- Gene Fowler
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
- Jean Giraudoux
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.
- David Brent
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says “W.T.F.”
- Phil Proctor
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
- Homer Simpson
We work to eat to get the strength to work to eat to get the strength to work.
- John Dos Passos
My son is now an 'entrepreneur'. That's what you're called when you don't have a job.
- Ted Turner
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
- Oscar Wilde
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
- Douglas Adams
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
- Woody Allen
Little boy to old man: “Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.”
- (From a cartoon by Dave Coverly, speedbump.com)
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
- Garrison Keillor
There's no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
- Brendan Behan
The founder of IKEA died today at the age of 91. I will not make a joke about how long it took to put together the coffin.
- Albert Brooks
That money talks, I'll not deny,
I heard it once: it said, 'Goodbye.'
- Richard Armour
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
- Errol Flynn
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
- Marty Allen
I try to buy stock in businesses that are so wonderful that an idiot can run them. Because sooner or later, one will.
- Warren Buffett
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
- Bill Vaughan
You don't need to interpret tea leaves stuck in a cup
To understand that people who work sitting down
Get paid more than people who work standing up.
- Ogden Nash
* Note: For some of the best cartoons and very funny writing, check out The Funny Times