Top 40 Funny Divorce Quotes

Top 40 Funny Divorce Quotes

Maybe you’ve been through it, or maybe you’re about to do it. These funny divorce quotes will free your brain from the strain, and let you laugh about your half of the split-o-rama drama.

Funny Quotations

Divorce, Group 1

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

I got divorced recently. It was a mixed marriage. I’m human, he's Klingon.
- Carol Leifer

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
- Don Quinn

I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow.
- Roseanne Barr

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

According to ancient Jewish law, bad breath is grounds for divorce.
- The Little Book of Bad taste

Funny Divorce Quotes
Group 2

I make mistakes, I'll be the second to admit it.
- Jean Kerr

I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.
- Heinrich Heine

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5000 Gideon Bibles.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.
- Jack Benny

Funny Divorce Quotes
Group 3

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.
- Lee Trevino

When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check.
- Maura Kennedy

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.
- Jean Kerr

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Henny Youngman

I wasn’t actually divorced. I was traded.
- Tim Conway

When it comes to divorce, absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure cuts down on the gunplay.
- Eileen Courtney

Divorce Jokes
One-Liners, Group 4

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
- Jay Leno

A lot of people ask me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I'm about $100,000 short.
- Mickey Rooney

Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.
- Joan Rivers

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
- Woody Allen

Love: the quest.  Marriage: the conquest.  Divorce: the inquest.
- Helen Rowland

It’s hard to talk to divorced men, always sensitive from the divorce. They take things the wrong way. “Nice day, don’t you think?” “I don’t want to make a commitment.” “Want half of my ice cream?” “I don’t want half of anything anymore.”
- Elayne Boosler

Funny Divorce Quotes

Group 5

Even as a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up.
- Rodney Dangerfield

In our family we don't divorce our men — we bury them.
- Ruth Gordon

Our parents got divorced when we were kids, and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and the car. We were all excited. My dad got some luggage.
- Tom Arnold

A friend of mine recently divorced his wife after 37 years. He said he was looking for a some-sex relationship.
- Greg Tamblyn

The only grounds for divorce in California are marriage.
- Cher

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
- Jean Kerr

Funny Divorce Quotes

Group 6

Divorce, n: A bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range.
- Ambrose Bierce

Divorce, n. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
- Ambrose Bierce

When we got divorced, all my wife was willing to give me custody of was the yard work.
- Melanie White

It’s tough. After five years of marriage, it’s difficult to lose the one with the good credit rating.
- Rich Voss

The judge said, “All the money, and we’ll just shorten it to 'alimony.’”
- Robin Williams

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
- Johnny Carson

Hilarious Stuff
Group 7: Divorce Tweets

One of the hardest things in the world is pretending to be surprised that a friend is getting divorced.
- Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

To be fair, in most divorces the house is split evenly. The women get the inside, the men get the outside
- Bruce ‏@BruceForce

100% of divorces start in marriage.
- WTFipedia ‏@WTFipediaTweets

Divorce, because squeezing the toothpaste bottle in the middle is unforgivable.
- Sala Who? ‏@salmarch79

My wife and I are preemptively making a list of whose side we'll take when all our friends get divorced.
- gonnnzo @gonnnzo

Confession may be good for the soul, but it's an uncut Hope diamond for a divorce attorney.
- Dan Wintermantel ‏@DanDoofus

Funny Divorce Quotes
Group 8

More divorces start in the bedroom than in any other room in the house.
- Ann Landers

Maturity is recalling the outrageous things your former spouse did to upset you, then turning over and going to sleep.
- Eileen Dight

Although marriages traditionally begin with I do, when they fail, they invariably end with You don't.
- Judith Viorst

If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.
- Mignon McLaughlin

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.
- Ann Landers

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
- Doug Larson

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