Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1
(Submitted by Richard Mekdici, Chesapeake VA)
A woman was standing by her husband’s casket waiting for the memorial service to begin. Then one of her friends came over and stood next to her.
The friend said, “He was such a great guy. Everybody loved him. I know the service will be wonderful.”
The widow replied, “He always wanted a big service. He even left $60,000 to pay for it.”
“60,000!” Said her friend. “My goodness. I hope you have a lot of money left over.”
“Not really,” said the widow. “This funeral parlor costs $5,000, the flowers and the pastor $1,000, and the memorial stone was $51,000.”
“What? $51,000? Oh my goodness! Just how big is it?”
“Four and a half carats.”
Hank had been unemployed for way too long, so was thrilled to get hired in a garment factory.
On his first day of work, he was assigned to the ladies underwear division.
When he got home that night he told his wife his new job was great, really easy.
She asked what he did and he told her, “Diesel fitter.”
She said “That doesn’t sound easy. It sounds like hard dirty work.”
He said, “Naw, it’s a piece of cake. I stand at the end of the line and when the panties and bras come out, I hold ‘em up and if they look good I say,
'Dese’ll fit ‘er.'”
Howard Cosell to Bob Uecker, during a broadcast:
Uecky, I get your point, but you don’t have to be so truculent. You do know what ‘truculent’ means, don’t you?
Of course, Howard. If you had a truck and I borrowed it, it would be a truck-you-lent”
In 40 years America's number one industry will be tattoo removal.
- Andy Borowitz
He pitches like he’s double-parked somewhere.
- Dodgers broadcaster Vin Scully on Bob Gibson’s speedy pitching style
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