Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1
A rugged old Texas cowboy advised his grandson to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his eggs every morning if he wanted to live a long, healthy life.
The young grandson did as he was told, and evidently, it worked. He grew up to be a hale and hearty cattleman himself, and lived to the ripe old age of 105.
He left behind 10 children, 37 grandkids, 43 great-grandkids, 24 great-great-grandkids, and a 200-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
The senior living center had gone all out for a night of entertainment, and booked the famous hypnotist Marvo The Magnificent.
After a few warm-up tricks, Marvo announced he was going to hypnotize everybody in the audience at the same time, all 200 people.
He held up a large, beautiful crystal, suspended from a silver chain. As the crystal slowly began to sway back and forth, Marvo told the audience to gaze at the crystal. In a soft, soothing voice he said, “Concentrate....concentrate....concentrate on the crystal.”
Two hundred pairs of eyes did as he instructed. They stared at the crystal and listened to Marvo The Magnificent’s calming voice.
It worked beautifully. Within minutes all the seniors were charmed, mesmerized, and finally...hypnotized.
Then suddenly, the clasp holding the crystal broke. The beautiful crystal fell to the floor and shattered.
Marvo exclaimed, "Oh, CRAP!"
They were still cleaning up the senior center a week later, and Marvo, well, let’s just say there was no return engagement.
Edna Ferber liked wearing tailored suits. She showed up at a hotel wearing a suit very much like the one Noel Coward had on.
Coward said, “Edna, you look almost like a man.”
Ferber replied, “So do you.”
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
- W.C. Fields
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