The Funny Jokes, Quotes, And Sayings On This Website Contain Anti-Depressive Material

Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1

It's always comforting to get your ammo where you get your alcohol...

Funny Jokes: Road sign:

Funny Jokes Of The Day, #2

Heaven and Hell in Europe

In Heaven,
the police are British
the mechanics are German
the cooks are French
the lovers are Italian
and the whole thing is run by the Swiss.

In Hell,
the cooks are British
the police are German
the mechanics are French
the lovers are Swiss
and the whole thing is run by the Italians.

Funny Saying Of The Day

Image of platypus with caption:

Jokes Of The Day, #3

Good Husband

A guy wakes up with a huge hangover after the company party. He’s not normally a big drinker, but the punch was so sweet he couldn’t even tell it contained alcohol. He can’t remember how he got home, and he’s feeling like warmed-over scrambled eggs. His head is pounding. He hopes like heck he didn’t do anything illegal or embarrassing.

He forces his eyes open and sees a rose, a glass of water, and a couple of aspirin on a lace doily beside his bed. On his bedside chair are his clothes, washed, pressed, and carefully folded. The bedroom is clean and spotless.

He gulps down the aspirins and stumbles to the bathroom where he looks in the mirror and discovers that he has somehow acquired an enormous black eye. From his good eye, he glimpses a note taped to the corner of the mirror:

“My beloved, I’ve made you a full breakfast and it’s waiting in the warmer. I’ve gone to the grocery store and we’ll have your favorite dinner tonight. When I get back, if your head hurts, you can rest while I rub your neck and shoulders. I love you!”

He staggers to the kitchen and there is his favorite breakfast, hot and ready, along with steaming coffee and the morning paper. His teenage son walks in about the same time and he asks, “Hey son, what the heck happened last night? I can’t remember anything.”

“Oh geez, Dad, you stumbled in about 2 am, fell over the coffee table and smashed it. Then you vomited all over yourself. You tried to make it to the bathroom but missed the doorway and smashed your face into the door frame. I guess that’s where you got the black eye.”

“But son, how come everything is so neat and clean, breakfast waiting, a rose and aspirin by my bed, clothes washed and pressed?”

“Oh that,” the son says. “When Mom and I put you in bed and tried to get your pants off, you kept shouting ‘Stop it! Leave me alone! I’m married!’”

Funny Comeback Of The Day

Muhammad Ali, during the 4th round of the 1971 Ali-Frazier fight:
"Don't you know I'm God?"
Joe Frazier:
"God, you're in the wrong place tonight.”

Funny Quote Of The Day

Democracy is the theory that common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
- H. L. Mencken

Funny One-Liner Joke Of The Day

On your first date with a guy, never give him a list of mistakes by your previous boyfriends to take home and study.
- Stephanie Piro

Funny Jokes Of The Day #4:

Clever text message exchange with many large words that are synonyms


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