Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1
One day at the mall a man fell to the floor clutching his chest. A security guard, suspecting a heart attack, called for an ambulance.
They took him to the closest hospital, which was run by the Catholics. The doctors did an emergency bypass operation.
He awoke to find a nun standing by his bed with a folder full of forms.
She said, “You’ve had a heart attack and the doctors say you should recover completely. Who's your health insurance provider.”
The man said, “Don’t have any.”
The nun said, “Okay then, we’ll need to know your financial situation. How much do you have in savings?”
“No savings, no money.”
“Well then,” the nun said, “how about relatives? Anybody who can help you pay for this?”
“No relatives except my old maid sister who’s a nun, like you.”
The nun shot back, “Nuns are not old maids! We are married to Jesus!”
“In that case,” said the man, “have my brother-in-law pay for it.”
A newly ordained minister was asked to do a graveside service for a homeless woman. Figuring he could use the practice, he agreed.
When he got to the cemetery, all he found was an open grave with a couple of workmen and a backhoe waiting to move the dirt. There were no other people, no relatives, no mourners, no funeral director, nobody.
Thinking that the poor dead woman deserved better than this, he decided to pull out all the stops for his eulogy. He preached and prayed, he swayed and moaned, he cried and sighed. He exhorted God to take these human remains, bless them, and welcome their vital essence into heaven for eternity.
After 30 minutes he was out of steam. He gave one final prayer, and walked slowly back to his car.
One of the workmen said, “Wow. I’ve never seen anything like that, and I’ve been installing these septic tanks for 35 years.”
Random man to Dorothy Parker:
"I can't bear fools."
"Apparently, your mother could."
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
- Sam Goldwyn
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
- Woody Allen
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