Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1
A married couple resisted joining the digital age, but finally decided they should get smartphones and learn how to text each other, so they did.
One early morning the wife was out having coffee with a friend, and decided to text her husband. She sent him a lovely message that read:
“Dear Sweetheart, If you’re still asleep, send me your dreams. If you’re smiling, send me your smile. If you’re laughing, send me your humor. If you’re missing me, send me your wishes.”
A minute later she received this text from her husband:
“What if I'm on the john?”
A game warden was making his rounds on the shore of a lake, and caught a teenage boy with a pail of live fish, two months out of season.
“Gonna need a look at your fishing license, Bud,” said the warden.
“Well sir, “said the boy, “I don’t believe I need a license. These are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish? What the hell are you talkin’ about?”
“It’s true, sir. Every couple of days I bring my fish down here and let ‘em go for a swim, then I smack the water three times, they come right back, jump in the pail, and I take ‘em home.”
“Sonny,” said the warden, “I’ve heard some good ones in my time, but that’s the biggest whopper I’ve heard in 20 years. Gonna have to write you up, and it’s a big fine.”
“Sir, please,” said the boy. “Give me a chance to prove it.”
The warden thought for a minute, then said. “All right, prove it. You got two minutes.”
The boy dumped the pail of fish into the lake, and the fish disappeared immediately.
After a couple of minutes, the warden said, “All right, call ‘em back.”
“Call what back?” asked the boy.
“The fish,” said the warden.
Joke submitted by Stan Lubowicki, Florida
Major Strasser to Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) In Casablanca:
“What is your nationality?”
“I’m a drunkard.”
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
You’ve stumbled into the most comical collection of funny jokes, funny quotes, and funny sayings on the planet. Think of it as your Gateway to Big Fun.
No need to slog through dozens of joke sites. The best are right here, whenever you need a hit of humor.
WARNING: The jokes, quotes and sayings on this website exceed humor safety standards and could cause you to squirt latte out your nose.
Scroll up the red column for all the categories of jokes, funny quotes, and funny sayings. (Smartphones: scroll down to see it, or click the Nav button.)
OR - for a list of every page, alphabetized by subject, visit the Sitemap.
Feel free to Share, Tweet, Like, or Comment on this page with the easy buttons below.
Spice up your week with a healthy dose of comic relief!
Sign up for JokeQuote LAFology:
A monthly email of the best short funny jokes and quotes.
JokeQuote is growing fast!
Over 5,000 visitors a day in just 5 years online.
ADVERTISING ON JOKEQUOTE
For single or multi-page sponsorships,
Contact me here