Hilarious Quotes About Women

Hilarious quotes and funny sayings about women. As Mark Twain said, “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” Personally, I'm inclined to agree with Maurice Chevalier, who sang:

Thank heaven for little girls
For little girls get bigger every day
Thank heaven for little girls
They grow up in the most delightful way.

Funny Sayings:
"Women," Group 1

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
- Will Rogers

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.
- Dave Barry

The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time.
- Brian ‏@JustASmirk

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

- Arnold H. Glasow

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
- Milton Berle

Hilarious Quotes:
"Women" Group 2

When my wife says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.
- Mike Vanatta

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers

The secret to winning an argument with a woman: They have to be dead.
- John Betz, Jr.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
- Mae West

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

- Tennessee Williams

Women are like diesel engines. And what I mean by that is it may take a little while to get 'em warmed up, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Whereas, men, on the other hand, men are more like bottle rockets.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.

- Harry Haenigsen

Hilarious Quotes:
"Women" Group 3

To a smart girl men are no problem - they're the answer.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.
- John Mason Brown

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
- Chris Rock

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
- Marlene Dietrich

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.
- Margaret Mead

Funny Sayings:
"Women" Group 4

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx

There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.
- Camille Paglia

If a woman watches a movie alone, who answers all of her questions?
- Rock ‏@TheMichaelRock

What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur.
- Angela LaGreca

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
- Jay London

God is the best inventor ever. He took a rib from a man and created a loudspeaker.
- Anonymous

Hilarious Quotes:
"Women," Group 5

The women's movement hasn't changed my sex life. It wouldn't dare.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
- Benny Hill

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
- Billy Connolly

All men are convinced that all women suffer from Attention-To-Their-Appearance Deficit Disorder.
- Anonymous

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.
- Joseph Conrad

Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Groucho Marx

Hilarious Quotes:
"Women" Group 6

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.
- Don Herold

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
- Gloria Steinem

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
- Charlotte Whitton

The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is "Notice anything different?"
- Mike Vanatta

In a perfect world, all of a woman’s issues could be fixed with WD-40 and duct tape.
- Jason Love

Mennicillin is a new drug for women that increases resistance to timeworn but effective lines, like “You make me want to be a better person.”
- (Author Unknown)

Hilarious Quotes:
"Women," Group 7

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.
- Dave Barry

To judge from the covers of countless women’s magazines,the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men.
- Dave Barry

Women are definitely more interested in muscles than a sense of humor. You will never hear a woman say, “I wish Brad Pitt would put his shirt back on and tell some jokes.”
- Dave Barry

If women were in charge of all the world’s nations, there would be - I sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
- Dave Barry

Some women (and here I’m referring to my wife) can share as many as three days’ worth of feelings about an event that took eight seconds to actually happen.
- Dave Barry

Hilarious Quotes:
"Women" Group 8

From what I understand about the female experience, the period should be called something more drastic, like the exclamation point.
- Ruminations.com

My last girlfriend had a memory so good she could remember things that never happened.
- Greg Tamblyn

On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.
- H.L. Mencken

Women aren't confusing. They're a Sudoku-Jenga-puzzle surrounded by Rubix cubes strapped to a terrorist screaming at you in another language
- Mike Vanatta

Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories:  (1) Not Enough. (2) Too much.
- Ann Landers

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