Witty Quotes About Science,
Nature, Time, Reality & Weather

Witty quotes and short clean jokes about the so-called real world, where many of us live and some are just visiting. It’s definitely a place that requires humor. Fortunately, we have all the funny quotations you need.

Short Clean Jokes: Weather

Witty Quotes: Image with Mark Twain photo and quote: "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco."

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.
- Jim Gaffigan

Maybe it’s not global warming. Maybe it’s just planetary menopause.
- Greg Tamblyn

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course
- Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm

TV meteorologists: You can stop reporting the "dew point.” We don't know what that is.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Today is the official beginning of shorts weather in Canada and local ERs are swamped as thousands are admitted with temporary blindness.
- Oblivia ‏@aveuaskew

The city is under siege. Sandy is pretty furious at Atlantic City. She must have lost a bet or something.
- Thomas Foley, chief of emergency management in Atlantic City, on Hurricane Sandy

Witty Sayings:

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
- Andy Borowitz

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
- Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy

The human brain is an evolutionary marvel. it starts working before you're born, and never stops until you try to learn some new software.
- Greg Tamblyn

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.
- Dave Barry

The Web may be a technological marvel, but to most people who use it for work, it functions like an old-fashioned hamster wheel, except at Internet speed.
- David Carr, NY Times

Before the Internet, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
- Ashish Chauhan ‏@4shish

More Funny Technology Sayings

Witty Quotes:

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
- (attributed to Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner)

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- Groucho Marx

A zen couch potato is a person who contemplates the nature of televised existence.
- Richard Helm

I hate reality. But where else can you get a good steak dinner?
- Woody Allen

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
- David Letterman

May [this] be the year that we collectively tune out Reality TV and tune into...reality!
- Swami Beyondananda (Steve Bhaerman)

Witty Quotes:

Banner with joke: Two strands of DNA are walking down the street and one says, "Do these genes make me look fat?"

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
- Dave Barry

There is just one thing I can promise you about the outer-space program: your tax dollar will go farther.
- Wernher von Braun

Ordinary people living above the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland have reported seeing visions of the birth of the universe. But only for a trillionth of a second.
- Greg Tamblyn

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
- Ernest Rutherford, Nobel Prize winner in chemistry

Werner Heisenberg, when asked how one could envision an atom, replied, “Don’t try.”

Why is it that nobody understands me and everybody likes me?
- Albert Einstein

More Funny Science Quotes

Funny Quotations:

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
- Fran Lebowitz

I just carved my initials into a tree, but only as a warning to other trees.
- Bridger Winegar

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- Kevin James

Screw camping. I don't work 40 hours a week to go pretend I'm homeless during the weekend.
-Mike Vanatta

Today I spent some time in nature. This may come as a surprise, but I'm sad to report that it's mostly just rocks and trees.
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
- Lewis Mumford

More Funny Nature Quotes

Witty Quotes:

The days of the digital watch are numbered.
- Tom Stoppard

Just as I predicted, it is Thursday.
- Bridger Winegar

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
- Jerry Seinfeld

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
- Dave Barry

It’s Daylight Savings Time! Why does it happen on the weekend? If you ask me, if we're gonna lose an hour it should happen Monday at 2 PM.
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
- Charles Kettering

Banner with caption: "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." - Stephen Wright

Witty Quotes: School

As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in school.
- Larry Miller

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylum would be filled with mothers.
- E. W. Howe

High school is where I learned to fake it until you make it – by wearing a push-up bra.
- Melanie White

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
- Mark Twain

Never go out with anyone who remembers high school like it was only yesterday.
- William J. Novak

More Funny School Quotes

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