Funny Mother Quotes for fun-loving moms, children of moms, and all fans of the maternal colonel. As Phyllis Diller famously said, "Always be nice to your children, because they're the ones who will choose your rest home."
Links to Mothers Day humor at bottom of page.
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Funny Mother Quotes
If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
- Dave Barry
The way I feel, if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, I’ve done my job.
- Roseanne Barr
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.
- Florida Scott-Maxwell
There are over 6,000 human languages remaining in the world, and I can't talk to my mom in any of them.
- Greg Tamblyn
I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined or as hard to check as a socially ambitious mother.
- Will Rogers
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
- Dave Barry
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
- Kelkulus @kelkulus
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
- Robert A. Heinlein
My early life was a series of fierce battles, from which my mother invariably emerged the victor.
- Bernard Law Montgomery
Guilt management can be just as important as time management for mothers.
- Sheryl Sandberg
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Funny Mother Quotes,
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller
I’ve been married 14 years and I have three kids. Obviously I breed well in captivity.
- Roseanne Barr
my mom got really mad, she would say, 'Your butt is my meat.'
particularly attractive phrase. And I always wondered, 'Now, what
beverage goes with that?'
- Paula Poundstone
I can’t believe how much like my mother I turned out. I feel sorry for my kids.
- Melanie White
There is no love sweeter than the love between a mother and child. Now I know my wife loves me, but I’m reasonably sure she doesn’t look at me the same way she looks at them. It’s kind of humbling, because at some point you realize you’re just a date that worked out.
- Dennis Miller
Mothers are the only race of people that speak in the same tongue. A mother in Manchuria could converse with a mother in Nebraska and never miss a word.
- Will Rogers
My mom's favorite Stevie Wonder song is, "I Just Called to Say Someone You Don't Know Has Cancer"
- Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Dear Mom, When you told me about getting pregnant with me, thanks for using the word “surprise” and not “accident.”
- Greg Tamblyn @gregtamblyn
I got spam from my mom saying she was in a Turkish jail and needed $3,000. The sad thing is, even if that were true I'm not sure I'd help.
- Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
It's not over until the fat lady sings, but even after she sings, packs up and goes home, my mom will still be saying goodbye to me on the phone.
- Just Lamenting @Just_Lee_
Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"
- Terry F @daemonic3
Labor is not as bad as it’s cracked up
to be. Sure, it hurts like hell. But then it’s over. What you should
really worry about are the next eighteen years—they’re painful in a much
slower way, like peeling a huge adhesive bandage off your brain, cell
- Cathy Crimmins
Motherhood is like Albania—you can’t trust the descriptions in the books, you have to go there.
- Marni Jackson
Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother.
- Beverly Jones
We have not outgrown a servant society. We’ve just rebaptized “cook,” “governess,” “maid,” and called her “mother.”
- Amélie Rorty
Over the years I have learned that motherhood is much like an austere religious order, the joining of which obligates one to relinquish all claims to personal possessions.
- Nancy Stahl
Making the decision to have a child - it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
- Elizabeth Stone
To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power.
- Maya Angelou
Never let your mom brush your hair when she's mad at your dad.
Men who miscalculate are called "mathematically challenged." Women who miscalculate are called "mothers."
- Ann Landers
You could kidnap my mom and she’d still ask if you’ve eaten.
- Underchilde @Underchilde
Enhanced interrogation idea: If waterboarding isn't working, try having my mother brush their hair.
- Doktor J @doktorj
Why is it that your mother is always so anxious for you to get married, but she never seems to like who you pick?
- Melanie White
My Mom had to go back to work in the late 80's and early 90's just so that my sister and I had enough hairspray to survive high school.
- Darlin' Darla @Darlainky
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
- Housy Wife @wife_housy
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of clergy.
- Spanish Proverb
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