Very funny jokes and quotes that could land you in hot water without adult supervision: sex, politics and religion. From humorous to hilarious. Use with caution!
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A liberal is a conservative who’s been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged.
- Tom Wolfe
We need to show compassion for the mentally ill without letting them run for President.
- Andy Borowitz
People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry
What’s the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball you’re out if you’re caught stealing.
- Unknown Author
One day in the Vatican, the Pope summoned his entire staff for a major announcement. When they were all seated, he looked up solemnly from his desk and told them he had good news and bad news.
“We're ready for some good news,” they said.
“I’ve just received a telegram documenting a miracle. There is undeniable proof that Jesus has come back to live among us in the flesh.”
The staff erupts in celebration. Their joy is manic. They have never been so happy. When they finally calm down, someone says, “Father, our prayers have been answered! It’s beyond wonderful. How could there be any bad news with this?
The Pope replied, “The telegram was sent from Salt Lake City, Utah.”
More Church Jokes:
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.
A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "Monday's okay, but on Wednesdays and Friday I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
- Lily Tomlin
My mother is Jewish, my father Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d pray, “Bless me father for I have sinned. And I think you know my lawyer, Mr. Cohen.”
- Bill Maher
I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
- Bob Hope
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
A stretch limo full of politicians was taking a back route down a two-lane country road late at night. The limo ran into a bad storm, and slid off the wet pavement at high speed. It flipped over a few times, and finally crashed into a tractor in the middle of a field.
The owner of the farm heard the noise and went out to see what happened. After checking out the scene, he used his tractor to bury the passengers.
The next afternoon the county deputy was passing and saw the wrecked limo, which had been reported as missing. He asked the farmer what happened, and the farmer let him know he’d buried all the politicians.
The deputy asked, “Were you certain they were all dead?”
“Well,” said the farmer, “a few of them claimed they weren’t, but you know how you can’t believe a word they say.”
After a long and successful life, Hillary Clinton passed on and found herself at the gates of heaven. As St. Peter was signing her in, off to one side she saw an enormous collection of clocks, in all shapes and sizes. Some of them were huge.
Hillary asked St. Peter, "Why do you have so many clocks?"
St. Peter explained that they're called Lie Clocks. He told her that every person has a Lie Clock, and that each lie you tell on earth causes the hands on your clock to move.
St. Peter went on to show her Mother Teresa's Lie Clock, and told her the hands had never moved even once. So Mother Teresa never lied while on earth.
"Fantastic," said Hillary.
Then St. Peter showed her George Washington's's clock. The hands had only moved a few times, and not very far. So George had only told a few small lies. Very good for a politician.
"My husband Bill must have a clock here somewhere." said Hillary.
St. Peter cleared his throat and said, "Bill's clock is over in God's office. Turns out it works great as a ceiling fan."
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