President Obama jokes a lot, sure, but most of these are short clean jokes about Obama. Followed by some of Obama's own good one-liners at the bottom. Hopefully a few free clean jokes about the Pres won't have the FBI trolling through my mail. But if you don't hear from me for awhile, please send beef jerky and carrot cake, c/o Leavenworth....

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One-Liners: "Obama"

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.
- P. J. O'Rourke

I have my issues with Obama, but he did inherit a mess like no other president ever. He’s like the hotel maid after Led Zeppelin has left the room.
- Bill Maher

Conservatives are criticizing Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. On the plus side, Obama’s now polling very well among cats.
- Conan O’Brien

Obama Jokes:
"At The Nursing Home"

Barack Obama is out on the campaign trail, and he visits a retirement home to talk about social security and medicare. He’s mingling with some of the residents and one older woman catches his eye.

He asks her, “How do you like living here?”

She says, “I like it just fine.”

Obama says, “So they’re treating you okay?”

“Yes, everyone is very nice,” she answers.

“That's great. How’s the food?” he asks.

“Fantastic. We get to eat all we want. You’d love it,” she replies.

Finally Barack asks her, “Do you know who I am?”

The woman looks at him for a few moments, then finally shakes her head and says, “No. But if you’re not sure either, you can go up to the front desk and they’ll tell you.”

Obama Jokes:
One-Liners, Group 2

President Obama’s teleprompter has been stolen. Police are on the lookout for a person who is eloquent and spreading a message of hope.
- Conan O’Brien

President Obama is doing well in his March madness bracket. I guess it helps when you can send the CIA in to spy on the teams. Once again, it shows how out of touch President Obama is with ordinary Americans, who don’t know how to bet on college basketball.
- Jimmy Kimmel

A Kenyan, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar. And then he makes everyone get an abortion.

Obama Jokes:
"Feel Better"

How to begin each new day feeling happy and positive:
1. On your computer screen, open a new folder.
2. Give it the name "Barack Obama."
3. Move it directly to the trash.
4. Select "Empty trash."
5. Your computer will ask you if you really want to get rid of Barack Obama.
6. Answer "Yes" loudly, then firmly click the mouse.
7. There now, doesn't that feel better?

Obama Jokes:
"Out Golfing One Day"

A middle aged woman was teeing off for a round of golf when she toppled over after swinging too hard.

The foursome waiting on the tee happened to include President Obama.

Reacting quickly, Obama adroitly ran to the woman and helped her up.

She thanked him and began to re-tee her ball, when Obama said, "By the way, I'm Barack Obama and I sure hope you voted for me."

She smiled and replied, “I fell on my butt, not on my head.”

Obama Jokes:
One-Liners, Group 3

Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
- Conan O'Brien

For [Supreme Court Justice] David Souter’s replacement, the President chose [Sonya Sotomayor] a Catholic diabetic woman from the South Bronx of Puerto Rican descent. Apparently that search for the albino midget lesbian unwed Bangladeshi mother with a bum leg and lycanthropy fell just a bit short.
- Will Durst

Obama’s new compromise to social conservatives: abstinence-only gay marriages.

Obama Jokes:
One-Liners, Group 4

The most impressive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program was that it took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
- David Letterman

The Obama administration will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, “no fat,” “low fat,” “ reduced fat,” and “fat, but with a great personality.”
- M.D. Rosenberg

If I had to fault President Obama, I would say that sometimes he governs like a visitor from a morally superior civilization.
- David Brooks

Clinton Nominates Obama
For 2nd Term:

Clinton: "I want to nominate a man who tastes great but is less filling."
- Andy Borowitz

The big thrill of Day Two of the Democratic convention was provided by former President Bill Clinton, who brought the crowd to its feet with a stirring nomination speech for Barack Obama, and then, in the evening's climactic moment, tossed his hotel keycard to a lucky delegate.
- Dave Barry

President Obama delivered an upbeat inaugural address, ushering in a new era of cooperation, civility, and bipartisanship in a galaxy far, far away. Here on Earth everything stayed pretty much the same.
- Dave Barry

Obama Jokes:
"One-Liners by the Pres"

This is the third time that Governor Romney and I have met recently. As some of you may have noticed, I had a lot more energy in our second debate. I felt really well rested after the nice long nap I had in the first one.
- Barack Obama, at the Al Smith Dinner

Earlier today I went shopping at some stores in midtown. I understand Governor Romney went shopping FOR some stores in midtown.
- Barack Obama, at the Al Smith Dinner

Ultimately tonight is not about the disagreements Mitt Romney and I may have. It’s about what we have in common. Actually, Mitt is his middle name. I wish I could use my middle name.
- Barack (Hussein) Obama, at the Al Smith Dinner

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