Top 30 Funny Adult Jokes

Funny Adult Jokes for grownups with a sense of humor about the horizontal cha-cha. Some of the best bedroom jokes and one-liners from some of the funniest people on the planet.

Funny Adult Jokes
Group 1

Image: Apron with Italian chef holding food. Caption: Big Tony's Pizzeria. If you like my meatballs, you'll love my sausage!

After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think that was good for anybody.”
- Garry Shandling

Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
- Woody Allen

There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
- Unknown Author

Impotence is nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings...”
- Unknown Author

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Best Adult Jokes

Group 2

It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men.
- Mae West

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly. Very slowly.
- Gypsy Rose Lee

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Weep and you sleep alone.
- Sophie Tucker

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Spike Milligan

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
- Henry Miller

Engaged women have sex 2.9 times a week. And the .9 is really frustrating.
- Jay Leno

JK Rowling has written a book for grown ups. Most of the action takes place at an adult night school called "Genital Warts.”
- Brian R. Scully

When I was growing up my mother wanted me to be a priest, but I think it’s a tough occupation. Can you imagine giving up your sex life, and then once  a week people come and tell you all the highlights of theirs?
- Tom Dreesen

In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it's a fact.
- Marlene Dietrich

Merry Christmas!

Photo Christmas card. Image: young man in bathtub. Caption: Merry Christmas, our house to your house.

Funny Adult Jokes

Group 3

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
- Groucho Marx

Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied.
- Robert Byrne

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
- Lily Tomlin

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
- Spike Milligan

Funny Adult Jokes
Group 4

Researchers say Stonehenge was built in the form of a female sex organ. No wonder its baffled men for 5,000 years.
- Jay Leno

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
- Phyllis Diller

I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day they push the clock ahead.
- Garry Shandling

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
- Woody Allen

Studies have shown that women can have an orgasm by just sitting quietly and using their imaginations. I knew those librarians were up to something.
- Melanie White

Image: cartoon of old man talking. Caption: Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Funny Adult Jokes
Group 5

I used to be Snow White…but I drifted.
- Mae West

I had sex for five hours once, but four and a half was apologizing.
- Conan O’Brien

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
- Red Buttons

Forty-six percent of women answered “Yes” when asked if they ever faked an orgasm. Actually they answered, “Yes, yes! Oh God, yes!”
- Wayne Cotter

I’m not surprised Queen Elizabeth was a virgin. It took her half a day and four maids to get undressed.
- Unknown Author

I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
- Monica Lewinsky (on CNN discussing her weight-loss)

A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
- Anonymous

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