Funny Adult Jokes for grownups with a sense of humor about the horizontal cha-cha. Some of the best sex jokes and one-liners from some of the funniest people on the planet.
After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think that was good for anybody.”
- Garry Shandling
Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.
- Rodney Dangerfield
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
- Woody Allen
It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men.
- Mae West
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly. Very slowly.
- Gypsy Rose Lee
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Weep and you sleep alone.
- Sophie Tucker
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Spike Milligan
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
- Henry Miller
Engaged women have sex 2.9 times a week. And the .9 is really frustrating.
- Jay Leno
JK Rowling has written a book for grown ups. Most of the action takes place at an adult night school called "Genital Warts.”
- Brian R. Scully
When I was growing up my mother wanted me to be a priest, but I think it’s a tough occupation. Can you imagine giving up your sex life, and then once a week people come and tell you all the highlights of theirs?
- Tom Dreesen
In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it's a fact.
- Marlene Dietrich
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
- Groucho Marx
Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied.
- Robert Byrne
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
- Lily Tomlin
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
- Spike Milligan
Researchers say Stonehenge was built in the form of a female sex organ. No wonder its baffled men for 5,000 years.
- Jay Leno
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
- Phyllis Diller
I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day they push the clock ahead.
- Garry Shandling
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
- Woody Allen
Studies have shown that women can have an orgasm by just sitting quietly
and using their imaginations. I knew those librarians were up to
something.
- Melanie White
I used to be Snow White…but I drifted.
- Mae West
I had sex for five hours once, but four and a half was apologizing.
- Conan O’Brien
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
- Red Buttons
Forty-six percent of women answered “Yes” when asked if they ever faked an orgasm. Actually they answered, “Yes, yes! Oh God, yes!”
- Wayne Cotter
I’m not surprised Queen Elizabeth was a virgin. It took her half a day and four maids to get undressed.
- Unknown Author
I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
- Monica Lewinsky (on CNN discussing her weight-loss)
A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
- Anonymous
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