There's a HUGE demand for conservative and republican jokes right now, but no equal demand for democrat jokes. These might help you feel the Bern, or bid one no-Trump.
I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends ... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
- Adlai Stevenson
The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then gets elected and proves it.
- P. J. O'Rourke
The Republican Party is full of children and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.
- Bill Maher
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more more happy Republicans?
- (Unknown Author)
Poor George, he can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
- Ann Richards on George H. W. Bush
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
- Alfred E. Wiggam
Conservatives believe that life begins at conception and ends at birth.
- Barney Frank
Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.
- Mort Sahl
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks; mostly sits.
- Woodrow Wilson
Conservatives define themselves in terms of what they oppose.
- George Will
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward.
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard
A man who has both feet firmly planted in the air can safely be called a liberal, as opposed to a conservative, who has both feet firmly planted in his mouth.
- Jacques Barzun
The Republicans want to extend tax cuts for everybody, but compensate by cutting federal spending at a later date using an amazing new spending-cutting device they have seen advertised on TV.
- Dave Barry
Rick Santorum home-schooled his 7 kids, meaning there are now at least 8 people who don't understand evolution.
- Andy Borowitz
I’m just tired of the Republican Party being the stupid party.
- Joe Scarborough, on Republicans relationship to science
When God created Republicans, he gave up on everything else.
- Frank Zappa
Republicans being against sex is not good. Sex is popular.
- Alex Castellanos, G.O.P. strategist
A conservative republican is one who doesn’t believe anything new should be tried for the first time. A liberal republican is one who does believe something should be tried for the first time - but not now.
- Mort Sahl
In my opinion, one of the greatest things — if not THE greatest thing — about the American political process is that every four years it gives me the unadulterated joy of watching Republican convention delegates attempt to dance.
- Dave Barry
My reaction to every Republican candidate announcement is the same as hearing about a new BlackBerry: "Really?! They're still making those?"
- Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
If you don’t have ideas, you got nothing. And frankly, my Republican Party doesn’t like ideas.
- John Kasich
There is no Republican Party. There’s a Trump party. The Republican Party is kind of taking a nap somewhere.
- John Boehner, Republican former Speaker of the House
Republicans sleep in twin beds, sometimes even in separate rooms – and that is why there are more Democrats.
- Phil Proctor
#YouMightBeARepublican if when bad things happen to me it's "God's will" but when bad things happen to you, you try to amend the Constitution
- The Daily Edge @TheDailyEdge
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
- H. L. Mencken
whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and
Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes.
The business of Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being
- G. K. Chesterton
All my life I wanted to run for president in the worst way. And that’s just what I did.
- Mitt Romney, quoting Walter Mondale quoting George McGovern
Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges.
- Andy Borowitz
Every time I see the sentence “Paul Ryan is the conscience of the Republican Party,” I think: What is that? Is that like being the quarterback of the New York City Ballet?
- Fran Liebowitz
You could say [Rick] Santorum is old fashioned. But it might be more accurate to say he’s Old Testament.
- Will Durst
If Abraham Lincoln could see what’s happened to the Republican Party, he would be the oldest man alive.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser
Tom, while you’re at Sharon Heights Country Club, passing around the white wine and quiche, your fellow Republicans in Kentucky are on their knees praying, passing around a live rattlesnake. They think you’re just as strange as we think they are.
- Sal Russo (Tea Party Express) to Tom Campbell (California Republican Congressional candidate)
And to those who say there’s no difference between the two parties, I must differ. The Republicans bend over backwards to service the banksters and special interests. The Democrats are exactly the opposite. They bend over forward.
- Steve Bhaerman (Swami Beyondananda)
A third woman has now come forward accusing Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct during his time in high school. That’s three accusers — or as the Republicans call it — three strikes and you’re voted in for a lifetime appointment.
- James Corden
Love the fact that republicans think $15 an hour will put everyone out of business but hiring armed guards at every single institution is entirely viable.
- Meep @MeepisMurder
Recently you have called home some of my favorite musical celebrities: Prince, David Bowie, Glenn Frey, Leon Russell, and Leonard Cohen.
FYI, my favorite radio and television celebrities are Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter.
Thank you, Amen.
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