Top 30 Republican Jokes

There's a HUGE demand for conservative and republican jokes right now, but no equal demand for democrat jokes. These might help you feel the Bern, or bid one no-Trump.

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ALSO: See new Republican song video below.

Republican Jokes: Photo of a couple bowling, with the caption "We Bowl Republican!"

Republican Jokes
, Group 1

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends ... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
- Adlai Stevenson

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then gets elected and proves it.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The Republican Party is full of children and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.
- Bill Maher

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more more happy Republicans?
- (Unknown Author)

Poor George, he can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
- Ann Richards on George H. W. Bush

It’s true that Ron DeSantis is better on paper — specifically, that roll by the toilet.
- Stephen Colbert

        New Song: "Banana Republicans"

Republican Jokes

Group 2

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
- Alfred E. Wiggam

Conservatives believe that life begins at conception and ends at birth.
- Barney Frank

Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.
- Mort Sahl

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks; mostly sits.
- Woodrow Wilson

Conservatives define themselves in terms of what they oppose.
- George Will

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward.
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard

A man who has both feet firmly planted in the air can safely be called a liberal, as opposed to a conservative, who has both feet firmly planted in his mouth.
- Jacques Barzun

This Might Just Save Your Party...

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Republican Jokes
Group 3

The Republicans want to extend tax cuts for everybody, but compensate by cutting federal spending at a later date using an amazing new spending-cutting device they have seen advertised on TV.
- Dave Barry

Rick Santorum home-schooled his 7 kids, meaning there are now at least 8 people who don't understand evolution.
- Andy Borowitz

I’m just tired of the Republican Party being the stupid party.
- Joe Scarborough, on Republicans relationship to science

When God created Republicans, he gave up on everything else.
- Frank Zappa

Republicans being against sex is not good. Sex is popular.
- Alex Castellanos, G.O.P. strategist

Republican Jokes

Group 4

A conservative republican is one who doesn’t believe anything new should be tried for the first time. A liberal republican is one who does believe something should be tried for the first time - but not now.
- Mort Sahl

In my opinion, one of the greatest things — if not THE greatest thing — about the American political process is that every four years it gives me the unadulterated joy of watching Republican convention delegates attempt to dance.
- Dave Barry

My reaction to every Republican candidate announcement is the same as hearing about a new BlackBerry: "Really?! They're still making those?"
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

If you don’t have ideas, you got nothing. And frankly, my Republican Party doesn’t like ideas.
- John Kasich

There is no Republican Party. There’s a Trump party. The Republican Party is kind of taking a nap somewhere.
- John Boehner, Republican former Speaker of the House

Black banner with white lettering that reads: "Democrats are better lovers than Republicans. Have you ever heard of a good piece of elephant?"

Republicans sleep in twin beds, sometimes even in separate rooms – and that is why there are more Democrats.
- Phil Proctor

#YouMightBeARepublican if when bad things happen to me it's "God's will" but when bad things happen to you, you try to amend the Constitution
- The Daily Edge ‏@TheDailyEdge

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
- H. L. Mencken

The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected.
- G. K. Chesterton

All my life I wanted to run for president in the worst way. And that’s just what I did.
- Mitt Romney, quoting Walter Mondale quoting George McGovern

Watching Bob Dole campaign for the presidency is a curious and dislocating experience, like showering clothed or eating naked.
- Michael Kelly

Republican Jokes
Group 5

Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges. 
- Andy Borowitz

Every time I see the sentence “Paul Ryan is the conscience of the Republican Party,” I think: What is that? Is that like being the quarterback of the New York City Ballet?
- Fran Liebowitz

You could say [Rick] Santorum is old fashioned. But it might be more accurate to say he’s Old Testament.
- Will Durst

If Abraham Lincoln could see what’s happened to the Republican Party, he would be the oldest man alive.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

Tom, while you’re at Sharon Heights Country Club, passing around the white wine and quiche, your fellow Republicans in Kentucky are on their knees praying, passing around a live rattlesnake. They think you’re just as strange as we think they are.
- Sal Russo (Tea Party Express) to Tom Campbell (California Republican Congressional candidate)

And to those who say there’s no difference between the two parties, I must differ. The Republicans bend over backwards to service the banksters and special interests. The Democrats are exactly the opposite. They bend over forward.
- Steve Bhaerman (Swami Beyondananda)

A third woman has now come forward accusing Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct during his time in high school. That’s three accusers — or as the Republicans call it — three strikes and you’re voted in for a lifetime appointment.
- James Corden

Love the fact that republicans think $15 an hour will put everyone out of business but hiring armed guards at every single institution is entirely viable.
- Meep @MeepisMurder

Republican Jokes:
Prayer For The Departed

Dear Lord,

Recently you have called home some of my favorite musical celebrities: Prince, David Bowie, Glenn Frey, Leon Russell, and Leonard Cohen.

FYI, my favorite radio and television celebrities are Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter.

Thank you, Amen.

Parchment-type paper with a Bob Hope quotation: "No one party can fool all of the people all of the time. That's why we have two parties."

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