Top 30 Funny Sex Quotes

These Funny Sex Quotes may shock a few Puritans, but the rest of us get off on ‘em. Bedroom jokes that'll get you in the mood for love or laughter, whatever you need most.

Funny Sex Quotes, Group 1

Funny sex quotes: photo of two people in bed looking at camera, with sheet covering half their faces. Caption: "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
- Woody Allen

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
- Les Dawson

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams

Funny Sex Quotes, Group 2

Studies show that about half of Americans have sex at work. Coincidentally, that’s the same half that say they are happy with their jobs.
- Melanie White

Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don’t multiply.
- Phil Proctor

Erotica is using a feather; pornography is using the whole chicken.
- Isabel Allende

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen

Photo of two pairs of feet from the bottom of the bed. Caption: "Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions." - Spike Milligan

Funny Sex Quotes
, Group 3

My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called
me from a motel.
- Scotty Record

If God’s got anything better than sex to offer, he’s certainly keeping it to himself.
- Sting

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
- Fran Liebowitz

My sex life is very bad. If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.
- Henny Youngman

Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.
- Mae West

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Bedroom Jokes
, Group 4

I asked my wife, “On a scale from one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?”
She said, “You know I’m no good at fractions.”

- Rodney Dangerfield

I worry about kids today. Because of the sexual revolution they’re going to grow up and never know what “dirty” means.
- Lily Tomlin

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
- Saint Augustine

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
- Mae West

I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked, I wouldn’t be able to please her. So she said, “Get off me.”
- Garry Shandling

Bedroom Jokes, Group 5

Our cat sleeps between us. We call her the Tiny Chaperone.
- Emily Claire Tamblyn

Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
- Mae West

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
- Brendan Behan

In Germany police are searching for a woman who holds men at gunpoint and forces them to have sex with her. Actually the gun isn’t for the sex, it’s to keep the guy around later to make him cuddle.
- Jay Leno

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx

Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
- Unknown Author

Care For A Cookie?

Photo of colorful cookies in the shape of womens' body parts.

Bedroom Jokes
, Group 6

Wilt Chamberlain had sex with 10,000 women, but how many of them did he truly love?
I would say 3,000 at most.

- Sean O’Connor

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
- Lynn Lavner

My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.
- Emo Philips

Before casual sex, it’s best not to mention to your partner that you might want to do a little tweeting afterward.
- Greg Tamblyn

Sex is a two-way treat.
- Franklin P. Jones


15. 180 degrees shy of heaven
14. Performing with Flacido Domingo
13. A few parts shy of an erector set
12. Sch-wing and a miss
11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
10. The Null Monte
9. Disappointing Miss Daisy
8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
7. Ascension Deficit Disorder
6. Bouncing the Check of Love
5. Less-than-Magic Johnson
4. All Doled up with nowhere to go
3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
2. Serving boneless pork
1. Unleavened Man-Bread

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