Funny Christmas Sayings

Holiday cheer? Right here. These Funny Christmas Sayings will chuckle you up and cheer your cup. Funny quotations and free clean jokes for all the festivities. Injoy!

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Funny Christmas Sayings: Photo of Santa dragging huge bag of gifts, and caption: "Where's an elf when you need one?"

Funny Sayings:
"Christmas," Group 1

Zen Christmas: the gift of nothingness.

Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
Because you do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day - the birth of Santa?
- Bart Simpson (Matt Groening)

How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
One Jesus, one Mary, and 33 wise guys.

Christmas Sayings
Group 2

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
- Andy Borowitz

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
- Melanie White

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
- Dave Barry

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.
- Bridger Winegar

Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.
- Melanie White

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.
- Earthman Adam ‏@AdamOfEarth

If you can't wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
- A Guy Named Kelly ‏@kellysdf

This Might Just Save Your Party...

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Funny Christmas Sayings
Group 3

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
- Winston Spear

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
- Andy Borowitz

Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.
- Melanie White

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.
- Guy Endore Kaiser

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- Johnny Carson

I don’t mind fruitcakes. They’re the one thing during the holidays I’m not tempted to eat.
- Melanie White

Picture of Santa working out in a gym with caption: "Paying the price for all the milk and cookies."

Free Clean Jokes
"Christmas" Group 4

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
- Carol Nelson

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.
- Dave Barry

A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.
- Melanie White

I’ve never really understood why Jews go out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve, but I think it’s because so many Chinese restaurants have the word “temple” in their names.
- Dan Zevin

Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.
- Melanie White

The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.”
- John Leo

Funny Christmas Sayings

Group 5

The amount of time and energy we spend putting up and taking down holiday decorations tells me our 'top of the food chain' claim is invalid.
- Linda in Disguise ‏@LindaInDisguise

The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for twenty minutes.
- Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
- Larry Wilde

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
- Kin Hubbard

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
- Conan O’Brien

If you watch a lot of infomercials, there's a good chance you'll already know how to work any gift you get from me.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

In the birth of Jesus story,
One thing we’re never told:
What happened to the frankincence
And myrrh, and all that gold?
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Christmas Sayings
Group 6

Photo of Albert Brooks and quote: "We landed a ship on a comet and the batteries didn't last. Is this any different than your first Christmas?"

It’s the holiday season. Let the overeating begin!
- Melanie White

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
- Bob Phillips

The Holidays are the one time you get to experience all the excitement of rush hour traffic in the mall parking lot.
- Melanie White

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
- Andy Borowitz

Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!
- Ogden Nash

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