Top 30 Christmas One Liners

Yule feel much finer with these Christmas one liners. No holiday blahs with these clever ha-ha's. Don't forget to send us milk and cookies.

Funny Quotations:
, Group 1

Christmas One-Liners: "Holiday Lights Should Be Festive while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land." - Smug Lemur

That kid is in the manger again playing his drum WHERE ARE THE PARENTS???
- Dave Barry ‏@rayadverb

If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Tis the season to awkwardly walk by someone ringing a bell.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.
- Bill Maher

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson ‏@neiltyson

Christmas One Liners
Group 2

I'm releasing a holiday song called, "All I Want for Christmas is my Parents' Freaking Wifi Password."
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

If at least two family members remain incarcerated, we won't have to put the leaf in the table.
- April May ‏@aprilmaywilson

I have to go vegan cake tasting today and I'm just not sure Jesus considered this when He said "be thankful in ALL things."
WhatserName™ @IamEveryDayPpl

I sighed as I felt the hot breath on my neck and that hungry tongue licking my face.
I should never have asked for a puppy for Christmas.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

If you've seen one Santa, you've seen a mall.
- Terry F ‏@daemonic3

Funny image of kid with thought bubble that says, "Is a life insurance policy a bad holiday gift? Be honest."

Christmas One Liners

Group 3

Cash is the one gift everyone despises and no one turns down.
- Mignon McLaughlin

I lay helpless on the shed floor, my hands tied and my mouth covered with tape. I never could get the hang of wrapping Christmas presents.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

A perfectly managed Christmas correct in every detail is a sure sign of someone who hasn't enough to do.
- Katherine Whitehorn

I have good memories wrapped up in the word “Christmas.” To me it’s about family and memories, and the looks on the carolers’ faces when I set the dogs on them.
- Bill Maher

December 25 is National Jews Go To The Movies Day.
- Jon Stewart

This Might Just Save Your Party...

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Best Christmas Jokes

Group 4

As I lay beneath a sea of writhing bodies, urgent limbs exploring and grasping hungrily, I realised something. I hate Christmas shopping.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.
- Smug Lemur ‏@Smug_Lemur

This is that exciting time of the year when I find out what I'm getting my wife for Christmas.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.
- Robin Wood ‏@vanderwangwe

A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart on Santa's lap, he's required by North Pole law to bring you two of everything you ask for.
- Abe Yospe ‏@Cheeseboy22

Image of Santa pulling huge bag with quote: "Santa Has It Great. I buy all the toys, he gets all the credit."

Christmas One Liners

Group 5

Last year's holiday weight, meet this year's holiday weight.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

This Christmas, give the gift of peace: add a little Prozac to the cookies.
- Greg Tamblyn

The best present I ever got was a beautiful skate key from my cousin. If I’d had roller skates it would've been perfect.
- Mel Brooks ‏@MelBrooks

"Mommy, what were those animal noises coming from you & Daddy's room?"
*mom winks at dad* “Oh…nothing."
[later] "She knows about the pony.”
- Sadvent ‏@crylenol

Adulthood: It's December 8th. The Christmas music is relentless. I will confess to anything.
- Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett

"His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch
- Qwerty Jones

Photo of Shirley Temple Black and her quote: "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

Christmas One Liners
Group 6

What better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

In my experience, clever food is not appreciated at Christmas. It makes the little ones cry and the old ones nervous.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

I'm excited to go home for the holidays because it's been exhausting finishing my own sentences all year.
- Elizabeth Hackett @lizhackett

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Darlin’ Darla @darlainky

Mom: What do you want for Christmas?
Me: To find out I was adopted.
- Justy Dodge ‏@justydodge

My 8 year old mailed a letter to Santa regarding the gifts he wants, so Santa is now writing back with the details on how to vacuum a house.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

Sometimes the best Christmas present is remembering what you've already got.
- Cathy Guisewite

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