Top 30 Christmas One Liners

Top 30 Christmas One Liners

Yule feel much finer with these Christmas one liners. No holiday blahs with these clever ha-ha's. Don't forget to send us milk and cookies.

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Funny Quotations:
, Group 1

That kid is in the manger again playing his drum WHERE ARE THE PARENTS???
- Dave Barry ‏@rayadverb

If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Be careful when you're 12, because if you mention one thing you like, your aunt will give you a book about that every Christmas for life.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser ‏@GuyEndoreKaiser

We landed a ship on a comet and the batteries don't last. Is this any different from your first Christmas?
- Albert Brooks ‏@AlbertBrooks

Christmas One Liners
Group 2

I'm releasing a holiday song called, "All I Want for Christmas is my Parents' Freaking Wifi Password."
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey "

His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch
- Qwerty Jones ‏@QwertyJones3

I sighed as I felt the hot breath on my neck and that hungry tongue licking my face.
I should never have asked for a puppy for Christmas.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

If you've seen one Santa, you've seen a mall.
- Terry F ‏@daemonic3

The best present I ever got was a beautiful skate key from my cousin. If I’d had roller skates it would've been perfect.
- Mel Brooks ‏@MelBrooks

Just a few days left to decide if you're buying an expensive gift for that special someone or breaking up with them for Christmas.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart on Santa's lap, he's required by North Pole law to bring you two of everything you ask for.
- Abe Yospe ‏@Cheeseboy22

Christmas One Liners
Group 3

I lay helpless on the shed floor, my hands tied and my mouth covered with tape. I never could get the hang of wrapping Christmas presents.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

A perfectly managed Christmas correct in every detail is a sure sign of someone who hasn't enough to do.
- Katherine Whitehorn

December 25 is National Jews Go To The Movies Day.
- Jon Stewart

As I lay beneath a sea of writhing bodies, urgent limbs exploring and grasping hungrily, I realised something. I hate Christmas shopping.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

Are we doing "Secret Santa" this year? Because I accidentally bought some unsalted butter.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.
- Smug Lemur ‏@Smug_Lemur

Best Christmas Jokes
Group 4

Tis the season to awkwardly walk by someone ringing a bell.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

If at least two family members remain incarcerated, we won't have to put the leaf in the table.
- April May ‏@aprilmaywilson

This is that exciting time of the year when I find out what I'm getting my wife for Christmas.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Is a life insurance policy a bad holiday gift? Be honest.
- Smug Lemur ‏@Smug_Lemur

All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.
- Robin Wood ‏@vanderwangwe

Cash is the one gift everyone despises and no one turns down.
- Mignon McLaughlin

Christmas One Liners
Group 5

How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.
- Bill Maher

I have good memories wrapped up in the word “Christmas.” To me it’s about family and memories, and the looks on the carolers’ faces when I set the dogs on them.
- Bill Maher

I want to avoid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, so this year, I'm going to be hospitalized
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

This Christmas, give the gift of peace: add a little Prozac to the cookies.
- Greg Tamblyn

What better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Christmas One Liners
Group 6

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson ‏@neiltyson

In my experience, clever food is not appreciated at Christmas. It makes the little ones cry and the old ones nervous.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

"Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.
- Amanda Whitfield ‏@mommywhitfield

Mom: What do you want for Christmas?
Me: To find out I was adopted.
- Justy Dodge ‏@justydodge

My 8 year old mailed a letter to Santa regarding the gifts he wants so Santa is now writing back with the details on how to vacuum a house.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

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Want more Like these Christmas One Liners? Try these:

Funny Christmas Sayings

Funny Christmas Quotes

Clean Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Card Sayings

Santa Jokes

Xtra Funny Xmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Songs

Top 20 Best Christmas Jokes

Christmas Party Jokes Games

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