Christmas Humor Quotes For Curmudgeons

If you're a bit of a grinch and won't give an inch, these Christmas humor quotes will help in a pinch.

Christmas Humor Quotes
Group 1

Christmas Humor Quotes: Image of a fruitcake with caption, "There Is Only One Fruitcake in the world. It just keep getting passed from house to house."

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

Look, I'm sorry, but if you're letting a snowman posing as Parson Brown marry you, you're in no way prepared to face unafraid the plans that you made.
- AGoodQuestion @Benjones2Jones

Who called it holiday weight and not Christmas Mass?
- The Elftastic Mr. Fitz @UnFitz

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie's Poorly Wired Dream House
- You know @Tmoney68

If A Christmas Carol took place today, the big happy ending would be giving Scrooge a tax break.
- Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe

Be careful when you're 12, because if you mention one thing you like, your aunt will give you a book about that every Christmas for life.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser @GuyEndoreKaiser

Christmas Humor Quotes
Group 2

I just got word that my in-laws’ flight is delayed. Okay Santa, you got me. Christmas magic is real.
- Burning Mom @MomOnFire

Staring at a pile of presents to wrap: Honey, can you bring me some tape?
Wife: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
- Rick Aaron @RickAaron

The greatest gift you could give someone this year is not starting a podcast.
- Jake Vig @Jake_Vig

Not all exterior structures benefit from the addition of Christmas lights. I’ve prepared a list, but I can also make site visits.
- Annie Hatfield @HatfieldAnne

KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS: Canadian Christmas falls on December 13, and every good boy and girl receives a terse handshake.
- Tim Long @mrtimlong

I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.
- Charlotte Christmas @jellybnbonanza

Note From Santa:
I am writing this note to inform you 
that inflation has taken away
The things I hold most essential: 
my workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh.
Now I'm making my rounds on a donkey;
He's old, and ornery and slow.
So if you don't see me at Christmas, 
I'm out on my ass in the snow.
- Unknown Author

Christmas Humor Quotes
Group 3

I firmly believe Hanukkah/Chanukah/Hannukah/ Chanuka/Chanukkah/Hanuka/ Channukah/Chanukka could have been as popular as Christmas, had they settled on one spelling.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

I can’t wait for Christmas dinner when my sister tells the family how her business is booming, and I tell them I’m now on a first name basis with the pizza delivery guy.
- ℳ @Love_bug1016

It's only April but the elves who help mall Santas have already started a brutal training regimen that not all of them will survive.
- AGoodQuestion @Benjones2Jones

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it's just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
- Jack Boot @IamJackBoot

[hears Christmas carolers]
“Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.”
- WhatserName™ @IamEveryDayPpl

JAN 1 - DEC 24: *takes shoes off indoors to protect floors from dirt*
DEC 25 - DEC 31: *puts shoes on indoors to protect feet from Lego*
- TuSoon Shakur @TuSoonShakur

This Might Just Save Your Party...

Advertisement and logo for MilkSnort The Joke Game showing 2 people laughing, with caption: "The game where EVERYBODY gets to be funny! Online or in person. More Info - Watch the video"

Christmas Humor Quotes
Group 4

What time are we donning our gay apparel?
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

The quality of work I do wrapping presents could easily be mistaken as an attempt at making the recipients feel bad for me.
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

No thanks Black Friday crowds. I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
- De Nada Donna ‏@Donna_McCoy

According to my chocolate Advent calendar, today is apparently Christmas!
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

More realistic Christmas candle scents: • Grandma's Farts • Tinsel Vomited Up by the Dog • Faint Whiff of Electrical Burning • Brandy Fire
- Cam ‏@GinAndJif

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It’s unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief. It’s insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it.

- Lewis Black

Christmas Humor Quotes
Group 5

Men, remember to buy your woman extra large clothing this Xmas so you can compliment her on how skinny she looks in her gifts.
- Woody ‏@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Successful gift giving is all about surprises. No way will my wife be expecting this sifter!
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, and...
-I was asking the boy, sir.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

The challenge, in this hectic season, is always to find enough unnecessary things for all the people on our gift list.
- Dave Barry

To save money, buy all your presents in the “It’s The Thought That Counts” Dept.
- Greg Tamblyn

Banner with Christmas Humor quote:
What Does Santa Call His Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

Christmas Humor Quotes
Group 6

There is no Christmas carol - including "O Come All Ye Faithful" - that is not improved by interjecting "Like a lightbulb!"
Dave Barry ‏@rayadverb

Nothing like opening Christmas gifts to remind you that the people you're closest to in the world know absolutely nothing about you.
Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

I don’t want to go home for the holidays. My family is there.

- Melanie White

I think cyberMonday is one of those fake holidays made up just to get people to buy stuff, like Christmas.

- Andy Borowitz

The ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.

- Erma Bombeck

Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

- Calvin & Hobbes

Christmas Humor Quotes
Group 7

Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of separation of church and state.
- Samantha Bee

In another year-end tradition, millions of children stay up late on Christmas Eve, eagerly awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus, who unfortunately is delayed because five of his reindeer were recalled by GM.
- Dave Barry

Still can't believe the Wise Men thought myrrh was a good gift for a baby!
- Jesus Tweets You ‏@JesusTweetsYou

If people really, really liked egg nog, wouldn't stores be selling that stuff year 'round?
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

If you go in your room and lock the door on Christmas Eve and tell the kids they can’t come in, it creates suspense and Christmas magic for them, and you can sit on your bed and eat all the chocolate you want. Unbothered.
- Ashley Crem @SafeWordTaken

Now it’s time to disassemble Mariah Carey and put her in a box until next year.
- G @XGroverX

New! Comments

Leave A Note or Share A Joke! All comments are moderated by the Head Lafologist.

Get more Holiday Humor here:

Funny Christmas Sayings

Funny Christmas Card Sayings

Funny Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Quotes

Best Christmas Jokes

Santa Jokes

Xtra Funny Xmas Jokes

Clean Christmas Jokes

Top 30 Christmas One-Liners

Funny Christmas Songs

Christmas Party Jokes Games

Or go back from "Best Christmas Jokes" to "Anniversary Jokes"

Or go back to the Home Page: "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"