Top 20 Funny Birthday Jokes

Top 20 Funny Birthday Jokes

Funny birthday jokes - ignite your big day with a blast of humor. These jokes are my gift to keep you in the present! (It's okay, I didn't spend a lot.)

Birthday One-liners

Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.
On the other hand, you're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

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Don’t worry about having another birthday. You’ll get over it in a year or two.
- Melanie White

All a woman ever really wants from a man on her birthday is presence.
- Greg Tamblyn

In a perfect world, everyone would die on their 100th birthday while having sex.
- Jason Love

Me (looking in closet): "I didn't know we had party hats and noisemakers."
Wife: "I was saving those for your funeral."
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

More One-Liners

What greeting card can you only find in Alabama?
“Happy Birthday Uncle Dad!”

You're not going to find a more thoughtful present than a Lowe's gift card purchased in the grocery store checkout line.
- Bridger Winegar

When you stop getting presents, you should be able to stop counting your birthdays.
- Melanie White

On your birthday, click your heels together three times and say,
“There’s no place like Rome.”
“There’s no place like Rome.”
(Because you definitely don’t want to wind up in Kansas.)

Funny Birthday Jokes:
Payback Time

Nieces’ and Nephews’ birthdays are the perfect time to get even for everything your brother or sister did to you when you were a kid.

Excellent payback presents include drum kits with cymbals, tap dancing shoes, electric guitars with loud amps, BB guns, noisy video games, whoopee cushions, and of course, fireworks.
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Birthday Quotes

There is still no cure for the common birthday.
- John Glenn

It takes a long time to grow young.
- Pablo Picasso

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
- Robert Frost

Funny Birthday Jokes:
Office Birthday

On my last birthday I woke up a little bummed about getting older. I was hoping my wife would make a big deal over it at breakfast to cheer me up, but I got nothing.

Just a quick “Morning, honey. The oatmeal’s on the stove.”

I knew she had a busy day at work ahead and was distracted, so I shrugged it off. But I thought for sure the kids would come through.

But all they did was fight over the cereal and make a mess. So I took off for the office feeling worse than when I woke up.

Then when I got to work my assistant Julie gave me a big smile and a huge “Happy Birthday!” It really made me feel better that at least one person remembered.

About lunchtime Julie stuck her head in my office and asked if she could take me out for a birthday lunch. That sounded great to me so off we went.

Even better, she chose a quiet, out of the way place I’d never been to before. She insisted we have a couple of martinis, and I was all for it, feeling better about my birthday by the minute. Julie’s always had a good sense of humor and we laughed a lot.

As we started walking back to work, Julie suggested we detour a couple of blocks to her new apartment so she could show me her great view.

When we got there, we took in the view which was indeed terrific, and then Julie, who had never come on to me before, gave me a quick hug and said she was going to slip into the bedroom for a minute.

I was thinking it’s amazing what a few birthday martinis will do.

I was a little nervous, but I said okay.

She disappeared into the bedroom, and after a few minutes came back out with a big, beautiful birthday cake.

Right behind her were my wife, my kids, and a whole bunch of folks from the office, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there open-mouthed on the sofa.


Good news: Your birthday party is a riot!
Bad news: Your cake is on fire and the clown is dead.
Good news: Your birthday party is a riot!
Bad news: Your cake is on fire and the clown is dead.

Funny Birthday Jokes:
Where's The Party?

Two women were talking, and one asked her friend, “So where’s your birthday party gonna be at?”

Her friend answered, “Don’t you know not to end a sentence with a preposition?”

So the first woman replied, “Fine. Where’s your party gonna be at, bitch?”

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