Hilarious Birthday Jokes

Hilarious Birthday Jokes

Hilarious birthday jokes for those who know that age is mind over matter: If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Short clean jokes and funny quotations to celebrate with humor!


But first, help yourself to the Video Joke of the Day...

Available Only Here At JokeQuote.com:

MilkSnort! Joke Game

The Easiest Way To Have A Hilarious Party

Click Here


Birthday Jokes:
One-Liners, Group 1

Woman with a funny face pointing up, saying
Woman with a funny face pointing up, saying

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them: a paternity suit.
- George Burns

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.”
- Sam Levenson

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Herbert Prochnow


Hilarious Birthday Jokes,
Group 2

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
- Steven Wright

Thanks everyone for all the kind birthday wishes! You're right, 35 isn't that old, and you made me feel –– Hey you kids GET OFF MY LAWN!
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

Inside every seventy-year-old is a thirty-five-year-old asking, "What happened?"
- Ann Landers

At what age do you start forgetting how old you are? That's how old I am.
- gonnnzo ‏@gonnnzo

29 again? Talk about recycling.
- Melanie White

When a woman tells you her age, it’s all right to look surprised, but don’t scowl.
- Wilson Mizner

Your birthday is a day to forget about whether you’re the hammer or the nail, and ask yourself, “Do I wanna get hammered, or nailed?”
- Anonymous


Funny Quotations:
Birthdays, Group 3

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
- Stephen Wright

It’s not how old you are, it’s how old you feel. And I feel…hungry.
- Sam Mellinger, KC Star

The older you get, the better you were.
- Anonymous

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- Dave Barry

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
- Robert Orben


Hilarious Birthday Jokes:
Group 4

Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.
- Bob Monkhouse

For your birthday, I’m giving you a quiet evening at home. Just let me know when I can untie the kids and take off their gags.
- Melanie White

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake. You know, to send the right message to kids.
- Bill Maher

Don’t worry about getting older. Just do what I do. Don’t act your age.
- Melanie White


Smiling man thumbs up saying
Smiling man thumbs up saying


Funny Quotations
Birthdays, Group 5

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
- George Burns

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
- George Carlin

Pitching an idea for a book aimed at my age bracket called "Everybody Poops, Eventually."
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Getting older means you don't have to shave your legs anymore.
- Nora Ephron

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

For your birthday, I want you to relax, take off your shoes, and I’ll take off....I mean take care of....everything else.

On her birthday, all a woman ever really wants from a man is presence.
- Greg Tamblyn


MilkSnort! The Joke Party Game

You could pay a comedian $3,000 to come to your party and you still won’t laugh as hard or have as much fun as you will with MilkSnort!


Click here to get the skinny!


* Also great for staff meetings and team building.



Copyright Notice:

All quotations by Greg Tamblyn and Melanie White are copyrighted,
unique to this site, and may only be used with permission. Thank you.

New! Comments

Leave A Note or Share A Joke! All comments are moderated by the Head Lafologist.

More Like This? 

Funny Birthday Jokes

Funny Birthday Wishes

Funny Birthday Phrases

Funny Birthday Card Sayings

Or go back from "Hilarious Birthday Jokes" to "Birthday Quotes and Jokes"

Or go back to the Home page:  "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"