Hilarious Birthday Jokes

Hilarious Birthday Jokes

Hilarious birthday jokes for those who know that age is mind over matter: If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Short clean jokes and funny quotations to celebrate with humor!

Birthday Jokes:
One-Liners, Group 1

Smiling man thumbs up saying "The older you get, the better you were.
Happy Birthday!"
Smiling man thumbs up saying "The older you get, the better you were.
Happy Birthday!"

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them: a paternity suit.
- George Burns

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.”
- Sam Levenson

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Herbert Prochnow

Hilarious Birthday Jokes,
Group 2

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
- Steven Wright

Thanks everyone for all the kind birthday wishes! You're right, 35 isn't that old, and you made me feel –– Hey you kids GET OFF MY LAWN!
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

Inside every seventy-year-old is a thirty-five-year-old asking, "What happened?"
- Ann Landers

At what age do you start forgetting how old you are? That's how old I am.
- gonnnzo ‏@gonnnzo

29 again? Talk about recycling.
- Melanie White

When a woman tells you her age, it’s all right to look surprised, but don’t scowl.
- Wilson Mizner

Your birthday is a day to forget about whether you’re the hammer or the nail, and ask yourself, “Do I wanna get hammered, or nailed?”
- Anonymous

Funny Quotations:
Birthdays, Group 3

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
- Stephen Wright

It’s not how old you are, it’s how old you feel. And I feel…hungry.
- Sam Mellinger, KC Star

The older you get, the better you were.
- Anonymous

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- Dave Barry

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
- Robert Orben

Hilarious Birthday Jokes:
Group 4

Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.
- Bob Monkhouse

For your birthday, I’m giving you a quiet evening at home. Just let me know when I can untie the kids and take off their gags.
- Melanie White

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake. You know, to send the right message to kids.
- Bill Maher

Don’t worry about getting older. Just do what I do. Don’t act your age.
- Melanie White

Woman with a funny face pointing up, saying "If only the good die young, we'll be here forever."
Woman with a funny face pointing up, saying "If only the good die young, we'll be here forever."

Funny Quotations
Birthdays, Group 5

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
- George Burns

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
- George Carlin

Pitching an idea for a book aimed at my age bracket called "Everybody Poops, Eventually."
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Getting older means you don't have to shave your legs anymore.
- Nora Ephron

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

For your birthday, I want you to relax, take off your shoes, and I’ll take off....I mean take care of....everything else.

On her birthday, all a woman ever really wants from a man is presence.
- Greg Tamblyn

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