Top 30 Christmas One Liners

Top 30 Christmas One Liners

Yule feel much finer with these Christmas one liners. No holiday blahs with these clever ha-ha's. Don't forget to send us milk and cookies.

LOTS more pages of Christmas Humor - links at the bottom.
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Funny Quotations:
Christmas
, Group 1

That kid is in the manger again playing his drum WHERE ARE THE PARENTS???
- Dave Barry ‏@rayadverb

If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Be careful when you're 12, because if you mention one thing you like, your aunt will give you a book about that every Christmas for life.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser ‏@GuyEndoreKaiser

We landed a ship on a comet and the batteries don't last. Is this any different from your first Christmas?
- Albert Brooks ‏@AlbertBrooks


Christmas One Liners
Group 2

I'm releasing a holiday song called, "All I Want for Christmas is my Parents' Freaking Wifi Password."
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey "

His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch
- Qwerty Jones ‏@QwertyJones3

I sighed as I felt the hot breath on my neck and that hungry tongue licking my face.
I should never have asked for a puppy for Christmas.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

If you've seen one Santa, you've seen a mall.
- Terry F ‏@daemonic3

The best present I ever got was a beautiful skate key from my cousin. If I’d had roller skates it would've been perfect.
- Mel Brooks ‏@MelBrooks

Just a few days left to decide if you're buying an expensive gift for that special someone or breaking up with them for Christmas.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart on Santa's lap, he's required by North Pole law to bring you two of everything you ask for.
- Abe Yospe ‏@Cheeseboy22


Christmas One Liners
Group 3

I lay helpless on the shed floor, my hands tied and my mouth covered with tape. I never could get the hang of wrapping Christmas presents.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

A perfectly managed Christmas correct in every detail is a sure sign of someone who hasn't enough to do.
- Katherine Whitehorn

December 25 is National Jews Go To The Movies Day.
- Jon Stewart

As I lay beneath a sea of writhing bodies, urgent limbs exploring and grasping hungrily, I realised something. I hate Christmas shopping.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

Are we doing "Secret Santa" this year? Because I accidentally bought some unsalted butter.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.
- Smug Lemur ‏@Smug_Lemur


Best Christmas Jokes
Group 4

Tis the season to awkwardly walk by someone ringing a bell.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

If at least two family members remain incarcerated, we won't have to put the leaf in the table.
- April May ‏@aprilmaywilson

This is that exciting time of the year when I find out what I'm getting my wife for Christmas.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Is a life insurance policy a bad holiday gift? Be honest.
- Smug Lemur ‏@Smug_Lemur

All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.
- Robin Wood ‏@vanderwangwe

Cash is the one gift everyone despises and no one turns down.
- Mignon McLaughlin


Christmas One Liners
Group 5

How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.
- Bill Maher

I have good memories wrapped up in the word “Christmas.” To me it’s about family and memories, and the looks on the carolers’ faces when I set the dogs on them.
- Bill Maher

I want to avoid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, so this year, I'm going to be hospitalized
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

This Christmas, give the gift of peace: add a little Prozac to the cookies.
- Greg Tamblyn

What better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)


Christmas One Liners
Group 6

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson ‏@neiltyson

In my experience, clever food is not appreciated at Christmas. It makes the little ones cry and the old ones nervous.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

"Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.
- Amanda Whitfield ‏@mommywhitfield

Mom: What do you want for Christmas?
Me: To find out I was adopted.
- Justy Dodge ‏@justydodge

My 8 year old mailed a letter to Santa regarding the gifts he wants so Santa is now writing back with the details on how to vacuum a house.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy


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