Top 30 Christmas One Liners

Top 30 Christmas One Liners

Yule feel much finer with these Christmas one liners. No holiday blahs with these clever ha-ha's. Don't forget to send us milk and cookies.

Lots more pages of Christmas Humor - links at the bottom.

Funny Quotations:
, Group 1

That kid is in the manger again playing his drum WHERE ARE THE PARENTS???
- Dave Barry ‏@rayadverb

If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Be careful when you're 12, because if you mention one thing you like, your aunt will give you a book about that every Christmas for life.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser ‏@GuyEndoreKaiser

We landed a ship on a comet and the batteries don't last. Is this any different from your first Christmas?
- Albert Brooks ‏@AlbertBrooks

I'm releasing a holiday song called, "All I Want for Christmas is my Parents' Freaking Wifi Password."
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

"His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch
- Qwerty Jones ‏@QwertyJones3

Christmas One Liners
Group 2

I sighed as I felt the hot breath on my neck and that hungry tongue licking my face.
I should never have asked for a puppy for Christmas.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

If you've seen one Santa, you've seen a mall.
- Terry F ‏@daemonic3

The best present I ever got was a beautiful skate key from my cousin. If I’d had roller skates it would've been perfect.
- Mel Brooks ‏@MelBrooks

Just a few days left to decide if you're buying an expensive gift for that special someone or breaking up with them for Christmas.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart on Santa's lap, he's required by North Pole law to bring you two of everything you ask for.
- Abe Yospe ‏@Cheeseboy22

The quality of work I do wrapping presents could easily be mistaken as an attempt at making the recipients feel bad for me.
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

Christmas One Liners
Group 3

I lay helpless on the shed floor, my hands tied and my mouth covered with tape. I never could get the hang of wrapping Christmas presents.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

A perfectly managed Christmas correct in every detail is a sure sign of someone who hasn't enough to do.
- Katherine Whitehorn

December 25 is National Jews Go To The Movies Day.
- Jon Stewart

As I lay beneath a sea of writhing bodies, urgent limbs exploring and grasping hungrily, I realised something. I hate Christmas shopping.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

Are we doing "Secret Santa" this year? Because I accidentally bought some unsalted butter.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.
- Smug Lemur ‏@Smug_Lemur

Best Christmas Jokes
Group 4

Tis the season to awkwardly walk by someone ringing a bell.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

If at least two family members remain incarcerated, we won't have to put the leaf in the table.
- April May ‏@aprilmaywilson

This is that exciting time of the year when I find out what I'm getting my wife for Christmas.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Is a life insurance policy a bad holiday gift? Be honest.
- Smug Lemur ‏@Smug_Lemur

All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.
- Robin Wood ‏@vanderwangwe

Cash is the one gift everyone despises and no one turns down.
- Mignon McLaughlin

Christmas One Liners
Group 5

I have good memories wrapped up in the word “Christmas.” To me it’s about family and memories, and the looks on the carolers’ faces when I set the dogs on them.
- Bill Maher

How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.
- Bill Maher

Christmas shouldn’t be something you “make it through,” like basic training or a colonoscopy, or a stretch in the hole. Which is my nickname for a colonoscopy.
- Bill Maher

What better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Just buttered a roll with my finger. For me, Christmas is in the little things.
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

In my experience, clever food is not appreciated at Christmas. It makes the little ones cry and the old ones nervous.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

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Want more Like these Christmas One Liners? Try these:

Funny Christmas Sayings        Funny Christmas Quotes

Clean Christmas Jokes         Funny Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Card Sayings         Santa Jokes

Xtra Funny Xmas Jokes         Funny Christmas Songs

Top 20 Best Christmas Jokes      Christmas Party Jokes Games

Or go back to Anniversary Jokes

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