Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1
A single woman inherited a parrot from her brother. She’d never had a pet bird, and wasn’t sure how to care for it. But her brother meant so much to her she decided to keep it.
There was a problem, however. The parrot had learned a lot of very profane language from her brother. Every other word was shamelessly vulgar. The woman was amazed at the number of curse words the parrot knew.
Every time she had company, the parrot would cuss a blue streak, and the woman became thoroughly embarrassed.
She did her best to try and teach the bird some better language, but the parrot was undeterred. If anything, its language got worse.
One night she had a date over for dinner, and before she could even pour the wine, the parrot was spewing profanity nonstop.
Her date, a rather proper gentleman, thinking the bird had learned this disgusting language from the woman, feigned an excuse and left.
The woman was furious. She grabbed the bird and practically threw it into the freezer. She heard a lot of squawking and thrashing for a few minutes, then total silence.
Thinking she might have killed the parrot, she opened the freezer to find a changed bird. The parrot apologized, promised never to curse again, and asked for forgiveness.
Then he said, “By the way, would you mind telling me what the turkey did?”
Here’s a great new turkey recipe, with a foolproof self-timer. It’s impossible to mess this up. You'll get a perfectly cooked turkey every time.
Preheat the oven to 325. Prepare the turkey, basting it with salt, garlic, butter, and black pepper. In a bowl, combine equal parts stuffing mix and popcorn. Fill the turkey’s cavity with the mixture. Lay the turkey in a greased roasting pan.
Insert the turkey into the oven, with the neck pointing inward. This is very important.
Do not concern yourself with roasting time. When the turkey’s rear end blows the door off the oven, it’s done.
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Native American to his wife, in 1620:
"These white people from across the big waters are hungry and have no food."
"Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave."
This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table.
- Jim Samuels
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
- Jay Leno
Thanksgiving with an obstetrician:
"The turkey is dilated to 12 centimeters and the dressing is crowning - let’s eat!"
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