Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1
People in Japan consume less fat than Americans and have less heart disease.
People in Mexico consume quite a bit of fat and have less heart disease than Americans.
People in France drink a lot of red wine and have less heart disease than Americans.
People in China drink almost no red wine and have less heart disease than Americans.
THEREFORE: It doesn’t matter what you eat or drink. What kills you is speaking English.
A saintly woman somehow stayed married to a loud, contentious, obnoxious old tosser for fifty years. He was always shouting and yelling at her.
Often the old man could be heard yelling, “When I’m dead and buried, I’m gonna dig my way out, come back and haunt you forever!”
The neighbors were afraid to butt in. This crazy old geezer scared everybody.
One day, to no one’s surprise or disappointment, he keeled over dead at 77 years old. At the funeral, the casket was sealed, tight as an air lock.
One of the neighbors asked the wife, “Are you a little scared that he’ll dig his way out and come back to haunt you?”
The long-suffering wife answered, “Let him dig all he wants. I’m having him buried upside down, and I know he sure as hell won’t ask for directions.”
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Heckler to British suffragette Emmeline Pankhurst:
If you were my wife, I'd poison you.
No, you wouldn't. I'd do it myself.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers
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