Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1
A lady has a stroke and is rushed into an ambulance. On the way to the ER she has a near death experience and sees God.
“God,” she says, “Is this heaven?”
“Not quite,” replies God. “I’m sending you back. You have quite a long time left to live.”
When she wakes up, she is completely recovered. She decides to enjoy her long life to the fullest.
She has a facelift, botox, a tummy tuck, and liposuction. She even changes from a blonde to a redhead.
A week later, her car is hit by a distracted driver and she dies instantly.
When she sees God, she demands, “I thought you told me I had a long life ahead. Why did you let that other car hit me?”
God says, “I didn’t recognize you.”
A husband and wife were throwing a dinner party, and she decided she wanted to serve escargot.
She sent him off to the store to buy a bucket of snails. On the way home he decided a quick beer might help the taste of the snails. At the corner bar he ran into an old Army buddy he hadn’t seen in years.
One beer led to two, then several, and soon they had spent the whole night swapping stories. When the man finally looked at the clock it was four in the morning.
“Oh my God!” he said, “My wife’s dinner party!”
Out the door he ran with the bucket of snails. He didn’t stop running until he reached home. But he was so drunk he tripped on the steps, dropping the bucket, spilling all the snails, and making a huge racket.
His wife jerked open the door, enraged, and was about to let him have it with both barrels.
Quickly, he turned to the snails scattered all over the steps and said, “Come on little fellas, we’re almost there!”
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Interviewer to Isaac Bashevis Singer:
Do you believe in free will?
We have to believe in free will. We've got no choice.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
- Mark Twain
I put shorts on for the first time this year, and my legs are so white, they came out in support of Trump.
- Ashley @ashleycrem
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