Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1
Jake is a lousy dancer. But he agrees to take his wife out dancing for their 25th anniversary.
At the club, his wife is mesmerized by another guy on the dance floor. He’s obviously a pro, making every move like he invented them. He can do any kind of swing, salsa, tango. He can moon walk. He does back handsprings! He obviously loves it.
The wife says, “Jake, see that man with all the moves? 30 years ago he asked me to marry him.”
“So what happened?” asks Jake.
“I turned him down,” says the wife.
Jake says, “Wow. And after all this time he’s still celebrating.”
A drunk is stumbling along a country road when he wanders into a group of people getting baptised by a river. The preacher sees the drunk, smells the alcohol on him, and says, “Brother, you need to find Jesus! Are you ready?”
The drunk says, “Shure!”
The man of cloth grabs the drunk around the shoulders, leads him to the river, wades in, and pushes the drunk’s head under.
After a minute, he pulls him up and yells, “Did you find Jesus?”
The drunk stumbles and sputters, then says, “No!”
The pracher pushes him under again. After a minute he pulls him up and shouts, “Sinner, have ye found Jesus?”
The drunk staggers, coughs up water, sputters some more, and says, “Not yet. You sure this is the place he fell in?”
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Publisher's telegram to Graham Greene after receiving his new manuscript:
“Terrific book, but we’ll need to change title.”
Greene's telegram reply:
“No need to change title. Easier to change publisher.”
Before you rake the splinter out of your brother’s eye, first remove the plank protruding from your own.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The most effective form of birth control known to man is a Bronx accent.
- Lewis Grizzard
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