Clean funny jokes, guilt-free and sanitized for your protection. No need to go to confession. Loads of free clean jokes, so clean you can tell 'em to Grandma. Way more than 31 flavors.
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Short Clean Jokes:
A little 3-year-old girl was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping.
The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times.
When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it.
The mother said, “Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God, “How long is a billion years to you?”
God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”
God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”
So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”
And God replies, “In a sec.”
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!”
To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”
An older lady passed away recently. She’d never been married, and she specifically asked that her casket service not have any male pallbearers.
Her contract with the funeral parlor stated: "They never took me out when I was alive, so they sure won't be taking me out when I'm dead."
One of the entertainers on a cruise ship was a magician. Since the passengers were different each week, the magician always had a new audience. So he always did the same tricks.
The captain's parrot, however, was stationed in the performance hall, and observed the magicians tricks week after week. Being a wise old bird, he eventually figured out all the magician's secrets.
Then, irritatingly, he started heckling during the show. “Hey, why is every card the same? It's in his cape pocket! It's a different rabbit!"
The magician was fuming, but It was the captain's parrot so he couldn't really do anything.
One terrible day, however, the ship had a boiler explosion and sank. The magician wound up on a small raft in the middle of the Atlantic with, as luck would have it, the captain's parrot.
They glared at each other with visible hatred but didn't say a word. This went on for several days.
Finally on the tenth day, the parrot couldn't take it any longer. Exasperated, he said, “Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?”
Two young boys were whispering outside the church after hearing a scary sermon on the devil.
The first one said, "Satan sounds awful. Do you think he’s real?"
The second boy said, "I don’t know, but remember how Santa Claus turned out? It's probably just your dad."
Things you don’t want to hear as you lie on the operating table waiting for the anesthesia to kick in:
“Okay, Dr. Stiglitz, you’re on. I’ll prove I can remove this gall bladder with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back.”
A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher smiled and said she didn’t think that was very likely, because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man.
But the little girl was adamant, and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher was getting impatient, and reiterated that this was physically unlikely.
But the girl was unmoved, and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.
“But what if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher asked.
The girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
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