Top 40 New Year Jokes

Top 40 New Year Jokes

New Year jokes and funny quotes - drop the ball and raise a toast! Make it a comical celebration. Get high on jokes and you won’t get a hangover.

Share your own new year jokes or feedback in the Comment box below.


Funny New Year Quotes
Group 1

How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
- Joseph Connolly

Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
- Melanie White

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
- Melanie White

My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.
- waitwait [email protected]

New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
- Jay Leno


New Year Jokes:
Group 2

Heartwarming Miami tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year's Eve.
- Dave Barry

Wait a second, there's ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
- Jake Vig [email protected]_Vig

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
- Bridger Winegar
@bridger_w

I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.

- Melanie White

The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes everywhere are packed with people who made new years resolutions to tone up. It’s like sardines in there. Big sardines. But they’re all gone by February.
- Anonymous

Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
- Melanie White

My brother's New Year's resolution is to move out of my parents house. You'd think after 49 years he'd try another one.
- Wickedwordslinger [email protected]

I think it’s great to make your first date a New Year’s party. That way, you’re at least sure you’ll get to first base.
- Melanie White

My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time & money to charities. I've decided to make my own coffee once a week.
- Erica [email protected]

Every New Years I celebrate making it through another holiday season without killing my relatives.
- Melanie White

My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.
- Greg Tamblyn

New Years parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
- Melanie White


New Year Jokes:
Group 3

A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- Anonymous

This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
- Melanie White

Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
- Jay Leno

My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.
- Melanie White

If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.
- Greg Tamblyn

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
- Bill Vaughan

This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
- Melanie White

May you find the strength to write, "Who is this?" to all the strange numbers that text you "Happy New Year!" tonight.
- Damien Fahey [email protected]

Who has time to party on New Year's Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
- Just Bill [email protected]


New Year Jokes:
Group 4

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
- Ogden Nash

This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.
- Melanie White

"Out with the old, in with the new" is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.
- Andy Borowitz

Usually my main goal at a New Year’s party is to remember who I came with.
- Melanie White

Deer readers, my gnu years resolution is to tell you a gazelleon times how much I caribou you! Sorry. Bad puns. Alpaca bag and leave.
- Greg Tamblyn

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls for humbug resolutions.
- Mark Twain

As the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the lighting of the 200-Foot Doobie.
- Dave Barry

With the Chinese New Year there are dragons, parades, firecrackers. With New Years in America there are big parties, the ball drops in Times Square, you get drunk, tell someone you love them, and throw up on their shoes. With the Jewish New Year, we fast, we can’t turn on the lights, we confess our sins. Happy New Year. What a party. A bunch of guilty hungry people sitting in the dark.
- Billy Crystal

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
- Joey Adams

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