Humorous to hilarious cool quotes for hot topics. Short clean jokes to make a fun break in your day. Funny quotations about Civilization, Humanity, Work, Death, Life, Inspiration, Money, Success. Relax, grab a snack, have some laughs. Your brain will thank you.
Links below to lots more pages about all these topics.
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
- William Lyon Phelps
The only problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.
- Franklin P. Jones
When things go wrong, don't go with them.
- Elvis Presley
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
- Brendan Gill
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers ‘Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.’
- Charles M. Schulz
More like these:
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager.”
- William S. Burroughs
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
- Bernard Bailey
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
- David Brent
Behind every successful man stands an amazed woman.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner (also attributed to Lily Tomlin)
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.
- David Brent
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says “W.T.F.”
- Phil Proctor
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
- Homer Simpson
That money talks, I'll not deny,
I heard it once: it said, 'Goodbye.'
- Richard Armour
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
- Errol Flynn
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
- Marty Allen
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
- Douglas Adams
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
- Woody Allen
Little boy to old man: “Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.”
- (From a cartoon by Dave Coverly, speedbump.com)
* Note: For loads of the best cartoons and some very funny writing, check out The Funny Times
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