Funny cute quotes about family fun and dysFUNction. Float your boat with free clean jokes that find the funny in relationships: Love, Marriage, Men, Women, Divorce, Parents, Kids, Grandparents, Aging, Seniors, Friendship. With enough good quotes and jokes you’ll never have to sink or swim.
* Links below to lots more pages about all these.
Love doesn't make the word go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
- Franklin P. Jones
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
- Linda Barry
I’m looking for someone who will love me for who I think I am.
- Tim Lachowski (from a cartoon)
The best way to eat a mango is in the shower with a friend.
- Greg Tamblyn
You got friends, then you got your best friend. Big difference. To me, a friend is a guy who will help you move. A best friend is a guy who will help you move a body.
- Dave Attell
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends.
- Kin Hubbard
Your friends love you anyway.
- Dave Barry
Quotes About Men
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
- Dave Barry
Men are stupid and women are crazy. And the reason women are crazy is because men are so stupid.
- George Carlin
If men could choose the gender of their unborn children, the human race would die out in a single generation. But we’d get a few decades of incredible football.
Quotes About Women
Ah women, they make the highs higher, and the lows more frequent.
- Friedrich Nietzche
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
- Kin Hubbard
Those people who have no trouble separating the men from the boys are called women.
- Howard Tamplin
These days, “happily ever after” means both parties remember to take their meds.
- Greg Tamblyn
We’re happily married. We wake up in the middle of the night and laugh at each other.
- Bob Hope
When he comes home at night and I hear his key in the lock I say to myself, "Oh good! The party’s about to begin."
- Ann Bancroft, on being married to Mel Brooks
Quotes About Divorce
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
My husband and I had a very messy divorce because there was a baby involved. Him. And I didn’t want custody.
- Wendy Liebman
Parents are not interested in justice, they want quiet.
- Bill Cosby
Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after college.
- Tom Mason
The other day, Mom said, “Notice anything different about me?” Which of course made me nervous. A man wants to come up with the right answer to this question. You don’t want to say, “You got a haircut,” if the correct answer is that her leg was amputated.
- Garrison Keillor
Quotes About Kids
This spring I participated in a sailing race from South Carolina halfway across the Atlantic to Bermuda....for seven days, non of us slept for more than three hours at a time. Which is how Stalin broke his enemies. And how infants break their parents.
- Stephen Colbert
You never know what you’re going to get, and children have their own personalities immediately. I was watching little kids on a carousel, some kids were jumping on the horses, some kids were afraid of the horses, and some kids were betting on the horses.
- Rita Rudner
Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child’s room late at night hates Legos.
- Tony Kornheiser
Quotes About Grandparents
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
- Sam Levenson
Theres nothing like having grandchildren to restore your faith in heredity.
- Doug Larson
I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense.
- Gene Perret
Quotes About Aging
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Tom Stoppard
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
- George Burns
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
- Phyllis Diller
Share ~ Comment ~ Like ~ Tweet ~ Follow
Go back to the Home Page: from "Cute Quotes" to "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"