Best Short Retirement Jokes

Mucho laughs a day keep the retirement blues away! Short retirement jokes and senior citizen jokes for all current and would-be retirees. And if you're retired, heck, you’ve got some extra time, so leave a comment! Let me know which of these jokes you like best, because I have Walmart shopping carts filled with more hilarious stuff just waiting to be un-retired.


"Which Restaurant?"

A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen. The two men were talking and one said, “We've been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.”
The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?”
“You must mean roses,” he replied.
“That’s it,” said the man. He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we like?”


Short Retirement Jokes: "Your Turn"

A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest. 
The horse says, “I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!" ”
The bee says, “I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!" 
The old geezer says....
(We're waiting.....)



Senior Citizen Jokes: "Listen Carefully"

Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician. A week or so afteward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart's got a murmur. Be careful.’”


Senior Citizen Jokes: "What Really Matters"

A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”
“Sure is.”
“Have I met her?”
“I don't think so.”
“Is she attractive?”
“Won't win any beauty contests.”
“Can she cook?”
“Can't even boil an egg.”
“Is she rich?”
“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”
“She must be great in the sack then?”
“I haven't actually found out.”
“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”
“She can still drive.”


Short Retirement Jokes: "How Do You Feel?"

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”


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Senior Citizen Jokes: "Ice Cream Parlor"

A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”


Poem: Retirement Advice

Keep your mind fertile
Expand your circle
Hurtle each hurdle
Forgo the girdle
Appreciate: verbal
Associate: mirthful
Laxatives: herbal
Feel free to wear purple
No more hare? Be the turtle!

- Greg Tamblyn

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Funny Retirement Quotes

Great Senior Citizen Jokes

Clean Funny Senior Citizen Jokes

80th Birthday Jokes

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