Top 30 Mothers Day Jokes

Mothers Day Jokes for mothers and others who love their mothers. Short clean jokes and quotes for mama, because when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

How Motherhood Has Changed...

Funny Mothers Day
Quotes, Group 1

I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.
- Melanie White

I asked my wife what she'd like for Mother's Day & she said for me to drive 7 hours east with the kids & then turn around & come back.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

This week I'm taping a show full of pregnant moms & surprising them w/ big gifts for Mother's Day. I hope it doesn't turn into Labor Day.
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

I told my kids on Mother’s Day I wanted to be pampered – so they bought me some diapers.
- Melanie White

For Mothers Day I got my mom a case of Bud Lite. After all, I’m the reason she drinks.
- Unknown Author

I live with a house full of men. The best I can hope for on Mother’s Day is that they track less mud into the house.
- Melanie White

Mothers Day Jokes
Group 2

Pro Tip: When ordering flowers to be delivered on Mother's Day, use a current address.  Although Mark appreciates his new orchids.
- No Different Guy ‏@ADifGuy

Happy Mother’s Day! Yes, it’s today. How fast can you glue macaroni into a bracelet?
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

There's love, and then there's eating the slop your kids made you for Mother's Day love.
- lisa goodwin ‏@LisaGoodwin1

My kids are old enough now to go out on their own and get their mom a Mother’s Day gift she won’t like.
- Kent Graham ‏@KentWGraham

ME: I'm looking for something that doesn't look like a last minute gift and says, "you're a great mom."
GAS STATION CASHIER: ...cigarettes?
- Chad Read ‏@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Happy Mother's Day!
Mom: I have a boyfriend.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
- Milton Berle

Mothers Day Jokes
Group 3

Moms will clean up everything. Scientists have proven that a Mom’s spit is the exact chemical composition of Formula 409. Mom’s spit on a Kleenex - you get rust off a bumper with that.
- Jeff Foxworthy

"Mother's Day" is currently trending on Twitter, a social network where everyone is hiding from their families.
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

Kids are cute, but they’re so rude. I was taking a shower when my daughter came in and  said, “Gosh, Mom, I hope when I grow up my breasts are nice and long like yours.”
- Roseanne Barr

There’s a debate about when a fetus is considered a real person. For Jewish mothers, it’s not until the child enters medical school.
- Anonymous

This year I’m going to give my mom the ultimate Mother’s Day gift. I’m going to take her shopping and pretend I’m enjoying it.
- Melanie White

Happy Mothers Day to someone who really has what it takes: Kids!

Mothers Day Jokes:
Group 4

ME: Want to go on a hot date for Mother's Day?
WIFE: Sure! Will you watch the kids?
- Brad Broaddus ‏@BradBroaddus

Every Mothers Day I stop by and visit my mother’s grave, just to make sure she hasn’t moved.
- Rev. Mike Moran

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
- Rita Rudner

As my mother said to me more than once, “Do you think you are smarter than Einstein?”
- Albert Einstein

My kids brought me breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day: an Egg McMuffin. I was just relieved that I wouldn’t have to clean the kitchen.
- Melanie White

My mom doesn’t like to waste food. That bottom vegetable drawer in her fridge looks like a compost heap in a swamp. You need a hazmat suit to get near it.
But I love her cooking.

- Greg Tamblyn

Moms Are Beautiful

Mothers Day Jokes
Group 5

I finally gave my mom what she really wanted on Mother’s Day. I got married.
- Melanie White

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
- Joan Rivers

I called my mother up when they announced the Nobel Prize. She said, "That's nice — and when are you coming to see me next?"
- Steven Chu, Nobel Prize Winner

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The week after Mother's Day must be like Christmas for therapists.
- $pencer ‏@13spencer

99.9% of all questions from moms the day after Mother's Day begin with "Where did you put the..."
mark ‏@TheCatWhisprer

Mothers Day Jokes
Group 6

Happy Mother's Day! Without moms, where would we be? Probably with our hair still stuck in that water fountain drain. Just me?
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

Lots of Moms today opened packages and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over new cutting boards they thought were going to be iPads.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

There should only be one "World's Greatest Mom" coffee cup. Then we'd know.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

If you feel tense and get a headache, follow the instructions on the bottle of aspirin: Take two tablets and keep away from children.

The Day After Mothers Day: now back to 364 days of letting it go to voicemail when your mother calls you.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

This year I did something really wild for my mom on Mother’s Day: I listened to her advice. Next year I might even take it.
- Melanie White

The only way my wife and I could afford to have kids is if she breastfed them for 18 years.
- Paul Alexander

I know how to do anything. I’m a mom.
- Roseanne Barr

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