Fasten your sleigh-belt! Hold onto your reindeer!
Here’s the best Christmas jokes we unwrapped this year.
They’re shiny and sparkly, they’re new and they’re funny.
Even better than that - they won’t cost you money!
LOTS more pages of Christmas humor here at JokeQuote - links at the bottom.
Share your own holiday joke or feedback in the Comment box.
The Sunday school kids had been rehearsing their Christmas play for weeks. Finally they were ready for the big Christmas Eve show.
The church was filled, and the play was going perfectly, right up to the scene where the innkeeper tells Joseph and Mary there is no room.
Suddenly Mary turned to Joseph and said, “I TOLD you to make reservations!”
A great meal with the whole family.
Everybody sharing the dinner duties.
A family trip to church for the Evening service.
Excited kids opening one present at midnight.
Stockings hung by the chimney with care.
Decorations glowing indoors and out.
Snow softly falling all night...
And me on a beach in the Bahamas with a Corona.
A boy and his mom waited in line at the mall to see Santa. When the boy finally got on Santa’s lap, he had a long list of stuff he wanted.
“Santa, I want a new bike, a Star Wars video game, a baseball glove, ice skates, a remote control drone, a new red sled, and a skateboard.”
Santa raised his eyebrows and said, “That’s a very long list you have there, young man. I’ll have to check my records and see if you’ve been a good boy.”
The boy replied, “Oh no. No need to bother with that. I’ll just take the skateboard.”
Two aliens in a UFO are zooming through earth’s atmosphere. Suddenly they’re surprised by a flying sleigh carrying a large human in a red suit. The sleigh is moving at near hyper-speed. It’s powered by eight hoofed animals with large antennae coming out of their heads.
One alien exclaims to the other, “No way we can invade this planet! Their technology’s too advanced.”
Moved all my garden gnomes from the backyard to the front, and now they're elves.
- Just Bill [email protected]
Scientists are saying this winter solstice will be the longest night in the history of earth, but they've clearly never spent a holiday with my family.
- Ashley [email protected]
The first half hour of Christmas with my family is just my father telling everyone where to park.
- Thrill Tweeter [email protected]_Tweeter
I wonder how many divorce papers have been filed by wives whose husbands took them seriously when they said, "No presents this year, honey.”
- Emily [email protected]
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
- Tartlandia [email protected]
If I die tonight I want everyone to know that it was my 7 year old's idea to put Christmas lights on the roof.
- Brian Hope [email protected]
The person who first threw a gift in a pretty shopping bag and threw some crumpled tissue paper on top should have gotten a Nobel prize.
- Just Bill [email protected]
My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It’s $100 on me and $500 on her.
- Kent Graham [email protected]
Present Buying Tip For Men: She'll love any gift from you, unless it's the wrong size, she thinks it's ugly, or just hates it for no reason.
- Cyber Meh-Day [email protected]
I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- Steven Wright
Spending money you don’t have to give people you don’t like stuff they don’t want? That’s gotta stop.
- Bill Maher
...and then I said "I would like a robot maid with a vacuum who does laundry and windows.”
And he said "Please get off my lap, my legs are numb."
- DMAC15310 [email protected]
I need to decorate soon. My neighbors keep wishing me a happy Hanukkah.
- Claudine Mc J [email protected]
It's a shame this is the only time of year that it's acceptable to drive around with a tree loosely strapped to the top of your car
- Bridger Winegar [email protected]_w
Me: I can't get this star on top of the Christmas tree with no a ladder without dumping it over and ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
- Tony [email protected]
My friend Chris at the Moose Lodge loves to party, especially during the holidays. We call him our very merry Chris moose.
- Greg Tamblyn
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