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Valentines Jokes & One Liners

Valentines Jokes
& One Liners

Valentines jokes that’ll ease your freeze if you got no squeeze. Funny Valentines Day quotes that’ll help you seize the day of cupid with humor.

Links to more Valentines humor at the bottom.
Share your own marriage jokes in the Comment box.

Valentine Quotes
Group 1

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
- Robert Orben

On this Valentine’s Day I’d just like to say I wouldn’t trade you for anything. (Of course, nobody’s made an offer…)
- Melanie White

Hallmark is coming out with a new card for guys who forget Valentine’s Day. The card is small and gold and maxes out at ten grand.
- Craig Kilborn

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
- Tracy Smith

Valentines Jokes
One Liners, Group 2

How appropriate for my love life that this year Valentines Day falls on Ash Wednesday.
- John Lyons

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
- MehGyver @AndrewNadeau0

Valentines Day Candy. Ask yourself: is it worth the weight?
- Anonymous

Seriously? A Valentine’s Day present? You still haven’t used the mop I got you for Christmas!
- Rick Aaron @RickAaron

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.
- Anonymous

Stopping to pick up some flowers for my wife on the way home from work. “Siri, Find closest cemetery.”
- Rick Aaron @RickAaron

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day.
- Jay Leno

I saved $200 on Valentine’s Day by being unlovable.
- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

Valentines Jokes:
One Liners, Group 3

The Super Bowl is man's way of balancing out Valentine's Day.
- Jason Love

Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married people are reminded what poor aim Cupid has.
- Anonymous

Valentines Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
- Lewis Black

Valentine’s Day idea: go bar hopping and fake a proposal in each place so people buy us drinks all night and we get drunk for free
- hayden hintz @haydenhintz


An “Early Valentine” present from David D.

My friend and colleague David DeAngelo just made an amazing video - that has a very special announcement in it for you:

Around this time of year, we start thinking more about romance and relationships, and David and I thought we’d put something together for you that gives you access to his best training on the topic - and in this video, you’ll learn how you can actually get it for free.

But watch this quick video now, as he's only going to leave this up for a couple of days.  It’s a super-valuable Valentine’s present for you, and I know it can help you get the results you want with women!


Greg, Head Lafologist at JokeQuote

Valentines Day
Sayings, Group 4

I’d kiss a frog even if there was no promise of a Prince Charming popping out of it. I love frogs.
- Cameron Diaz

Fellas, no matter what you hear on the radio over a million times this week, roses dipped in gold are not a good Valentine's Day gift.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

Once again, my Valentine's Eve caroling was not well-received by the neighbors.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

Men: You WILL submit to the Valentine's Day Industrial Complex.
- Dave Barry @rayadverb

A Married Valentines Poem: 
Roses are red 
And ready for plucking 
When I get home 
We'll be doing something romantic cuz you deserve it honey.
- Aristotles @AristotlesNZ

Valentines Jokes:
One Liners, Group

This probably goes without saying but:
Roses are red
Puppies love hugs
I'm gonna do you
Like Lohan does drugs
would be a terrible Valentine card.
- prontopup @prontopup

Remember, nothing says "I Love you" on Valentine's Day like a Weasel in a Sack™ from Lyon's Weasel Farms. [Not responsible for injuries.]
- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

If only they did Valentines cards that said 'You're good for a year' with a countdown clock on the front.
- Daniel Sloss @Daniel_Sloss

My wife doesn't want to go to Hooters for Valentine's Day, so it looks like it will just be me.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

He loved his girlfriend. She was like the square root of minus one - mysterious, sought after by millions…..and imaginary.
- 50 Nerds of Grey @50NerdsofGrey

My diabetic girlfriend doesn't even appreciate me saving her life by eating all this Valentine's chocolate I bought her
- Terry F @daemonic3

Valentines Day Excuse #11:
“Sorry I forgot, Honey. I was using the Mayan calendar.”

Valentines Jokes:
One Liners, Group

Valentine’s Day, remember: the only truly painless way out of a relationship is to be the first to die.
- from a cartoon by

Valentines Day money-saving tip: break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
- David Letterman

Valentine’s Day suggestion, make a giant paper banner that says “World’s Best Lover” and then ask your wife or girlfriend to hold it up for you to run through on your way to the bedroom.
- Anonymous

Here’s to a VD free VD!
- Anonymous

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More Valentines fun? Try these:

Best Valentines Day Jokes Poems     Funny Marriage Quotes

Cute Love Sayings      Funny Love Sayings

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