Funny jokes to tell your pals, your peeps, your office cooler cohorts, your crazy cousins at wacky Aunt Wanda’s 4th wedding. Tell 'em to strangers when you’re trapped in the elevator and nobody remembered to bring cookies. Have fun!
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LeeRoy's little sister had a bad car accident while pregnant and was in a deep coma.
Three months later, she wakes up and discovers she's no longer pregnant. Afraid for bad news, she calls the nurse and asks about her baby.
The nurse says, "Honey, you had twin babies, a boy and a girl. They're both beautiful and doin' fine. Since we didn't know when you'd wake up, your brother's been here to name them."
The new mother says, "Oh God, not LeeRoy, he's a complete dope!" Fearing the worst, she asks, "Well, what did he name my daughter?"
"Denise," the nurse says.
The woman thinks, "Okay, that's a lovely name! Maybe I was wrong about LeeRoy. Denise is just beautiful. Okay then, so what's my son's name?"
I was walking down the street and saw a mime pretending to be trapped in a box.
He did a great job, so after he finished, I pantomimed putting a dollar in his jar.
Two good old boys in a trailer park were sitting around talking over a cold beer.
After awhile the first guy says, “If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and get your wife pregnant while you was off huntin’ and she had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The second guy scratched his chin and cocked his head sideways, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it sure would make us even.”
“Cash, check, or charge?” the clerk asked, as he bagged the clothes the woman had selected. As she opened her purse to get her wallet, the clerk noticed a TV remote control inside.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” he asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
An arrogant CEO parks his new Mercedes roadster by a curb and shoves open his door without looking. The next second an SUV speeds by and rips the car door right off the hinges.
When the police show up, the CEO yells, “Look what that bastard in the SUV did to my new Mercedes!”
The officer says, “Jesus, Mister. You’re so in love with your car, you haven’t even noticed your left arm is gone too.”
The CEO looks at the place his arm used to be and wails, “Oh God, not my Rolex!”
Friendship Between Women:
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next morning, she tells her husband she slept at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them knows anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man doesn't come home one night. In the morning he tells his wife that he slept at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them confirm that he slept over, and two claim that he is still there.
True story: What happens when you predict snow and don't get any?
In Michigan, a female news anchor turned to the weather man and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
The weatherman started laughing so hard he had to leave the set, and half the crew did too.
In the future, she'll probably think before she speaks.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, grow near each other in the woods. One day, they happen to notice a small tree that has started to grow between them.
The birch says to the beech: "Is that sapling a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The beech says he can't tell.
A minute later, a woodpecker alights on the young sapling.
The beech says to the woodpecker, "You know your trees. Can you tell if that young sapling is a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker pecks a taste of the small tree and answers: "It is neither a son of a birch nor a son of a beech"
"But it is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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