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In the square by the courthouse, an old lady sold bagels for a quarter. Every day before noon, a young law clerk left the courthouse for lunch.
On his way across the square, he’d walk by the bagel cart. As he passed it, he always left 25 cents, but he never once took a bagel. And the old lady never said a word.
It went on like this every weekday for months.
Then one morning the young law clerk approached the cart, left his quarter, and started to walk away without a bagel as usual, but the old woman cleared her throat.
With no change in expression whatsoever, she said, “They’re fifty cents now.”
I was visiting my son this week and asked him where his newspaper was.
He laughed and said, “Dad, it’s the 21st century. We stopped buying newspapers years ago. It saves trees. But you can borrow my iPad.”
Okay, fine, whatever.
But that pesky housefly never knew what hit it.
A man’s welfare check was due, so he stopped by the local welfare office to pick it up. When he got to the front of the line, he said, “Hey, this welfare is getting old. I’d lots rather be working. Any chance you have something?”
The welfare gal replied, “Good timing, you’re in luck. Just this morning we got a request from a Wall Street tycoon who needs a driver for his daughter. She happens to be a swimsuit model. You’ll drive her in his Cadillac limo here in the States, and in his Rolls in Europe. Your dress suits are provided, plus all your food since you’ll be working odd hours. His daughter will need chaperoning on all her modeling jobs, and occasionally her supermodel friends, too."
The man's face lit up and he said, “No way! Really? You’re kidding?”
The welfare gal said, “Of course I’m kidding. But you started it.”
For the occasion of her new shop grand opening, a salon owner ordered a beautiful, expensive floral arrangement.
When it arrived, she was miffed that the large announcement card read, “May You Rest in Peace.”
She called the flower shop and complained to the owner, who moaned, “Uh, oh. Now there’s a fancy bouquet at funeral home with a big sign that says, 'Best of luck in your new location!'”
The patient says to the doctor, “Doc, I gotta know my test results!"
The Doc replies, "Well, you want the bad news or the good news?"
“Good news, Doc. Gimme the good news!"
"Well,” says the Doc, “I hear cremations are on sale this week."
People in Japan consume less fat than Americans and have less heart disease.
People in Mexico consume quite a bit of fat and have less heart disease than Americans.
People in France drink a lot of red wine and have less heart disease than Americans.
People in China drink almost no red wine and have less heart disease than Americans.
THEREFORE: It doesn’t matter what you eat or drink. What kills you is speaking English.
It was the last day of philosophy class, and time for the final exam. The professor had exposed the students to several schools of philosophy during the semester.
He looked out over them as they sat and waited expectantly. Finally, he pointed at his desk and said, “I have only a single question on this final test. Use anything I’ve taught you this year to prove to me this desk does not exist.”
Immediately the students started writing furiously, filling ages and pages of exam books with proofs for the non-existence of the desk.
One girl, however, wrote for a few seconds, gathered her books, walked to the front of the class, turned in her exam book, and was out of the classroom in two minutes.
When the professor posted the grades the following Monday, only one person had received an A. It was the girl who finished the exam so quickly.
Her answer: “What desk?”
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