Hilarious Short Quotes:
Doctors And Medicine

Hilarious Short Quotes: Doctors And Medicine

Hilarious short quotes about doctors, medicine, hospitals, treatment. Short clean jokes and funny quotations for all of us who rely on the placebo effect (laughter) which is better than health insurance, and a lot cheaper. Be well, be silly.

Links to more medical humor at bottom of page.
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Funny Quotations: "Doctors" Group 1

1. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
- Dave Barry

2. A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
- Joey Adams

3. My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
- Ronnie Shakes

4. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
- Rita Rudner

5. Y O U R F L Y I S O P E N  would be a fun chart for an eye doctor.
- Greg Tamblyn 

Hilarious Short Quotes:
"Doctors" Group 2

6. Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
- Jay Leno

7. I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
- Jay London

8. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
- Groucho Marx

9. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
- Jay Leno

10. I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman

Hilarious Short Quotes:
"Doctors" Group 3

11. Doctor to patient: “You’re very sick -- I like that in a patient.”
- (from a cartoon by P.C. Vey)

12. Tell your therapist that you have an addiction to shitty advice, and then ask if you can see them more than once a day.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

13. After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: “No hablo inglés.”
- Ronnie Shakes

14. My health insurance is cheap, but there are trade-offs. When I wanted to get a colonoscopy they sent me a chimney sweep.
- Greg Tamblyn

15. When I was a kid, my doctor gave me candy so I’d have to see the dentist, who gave me small toys to swallow so I’d have to see the doctor. I think they came up with that one on Wednesday at the country club.
- Ruminations.com

Short Clean Jokes:
"Doctors" Group 4

16. My doctor’s office has a foolproof way to collect. You pay your bill before you leave or you don’t get your clothes back.

17. General anesthesia is so weird. You go to sleep in one room, then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college.
- Ross Shafer

18. Finish last in your league and they call you “idiot.” Finish last in medical school and they call you “doctor.”
- Abe Lemons, basketball coach

19. I went to a psychiatrist because I was hearing voices inside my head. They told me not to pay his bill.
- (from a cartoon by Chris Weyant)

20. The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to just know.
- Will Rogers

Hilarious Short Quotes
"Doctors" Group 5

21. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx

22. According to hospital insurance codes, there are 9 different ways you can be injured by turtles.
- Wall Street Journal

23. According to hospital insurance codes, there are 3 different ways you can be injured by a lamppost.
- Wall Street Journal

24. Is there a medical rule that requires doctors'-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?
- Dave Barry

25. We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
- Dave Barry

Hilarious Short Quotes
"Doctors" Group 6

26. Minor surgery is an operation performed on somebody else.
- (Anonymous)

27. A scared look and a "let me go google that" is not what you want to hear from the gynecologist.
- Ericacanrant ‏@ericacanrant

28. Why do they call it proctology? Is it because analogy was already taken?
- Aristotles ‏@AristotlesNZ 

29. The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won’t get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.
- Dave Barry

30. What’s the difference between God and a surgeon?
God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon.

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Copyright Notice:

All quotations by Greg Tamblyn and Melanie White are copyrighted,
unique to this site, and may only be used with permission. Thank you.

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