Dandy as candy, slick as a trick, sweet as a treat. Funny Halloween quotes that won't stick to your teeth or turn you into a diabetic. You'll be howling like a werewolf.

Links to more Halloween Humor at the bottom.
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Funny Halloween Quotes
and One-Liners, Group 1

Witch Is It?

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.
- Jim Samuels

I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark

I love Halloween. It's the only night of the year I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate.
- Adam ‏@AdamofAlbion

Hair stylist: Gonna wear a costume for Halloween? Me: (Looking at my new haircut in the mirror) Probably something with a hood.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

These masked trick-or-treaters must be confused. They're a day early, came in the back door, passed up the candy & took the big screen TV.
Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 2

I like to get my candy early for Halloween so I have plenty of time to buy more when I eat the first bag.
- Molly ‏@SleepingSuspect

If I'm lazy and I can't come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write 'Freudian' on it.
- Julia Stiles

If you’re in Alabama, don’t dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating “a minister of any religion” is punishable by fine or jail.
- Nina Vizcarrondo, in Time

When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing.
- Robin Bach

I awaken in the Halloween aftermath. Bed covered in candy wrappers. Looking down at my chocolate smeared hands I whisper, "What have I done?"
- Reverend Scott ‏@Reverend_Scott

It's that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I've been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
- Andy H. ‏@AndyAsAdjective

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 3

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
- Donna Macabre ‏@Donna_McCoy

Instead of buying a Halloween costume it was cheaper just to get a haircut at Great Clips.
- Northside Hombre ‏@Northside_Mike

Got home, opened the bedroom closet door and a naked guy shrieked at me. Wow, my wife has some pretty crazy Halloween pranks up her sleeve.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

A Fargo woman will give overweight trick-or-treaters warning letters, not candy. In other news, a woman's house will be egged by fat kids.
- Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

Honey. I didn't *lose* our kid on Halloween, he just went as the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and I can't know exactly where he is.
- Earthman Adam ‏@AdamOfEarth

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 4

When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high-heel shoes, fishnet stockings...
- David Letterman

This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour.
- Terry F @daemonic3

Boss: “I thought I said no costumes this week.”
Me: “These are my clothes.”
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

I put a box of Halloween candy on the top shelf of our cupboard and then watched my 3 year old become an architect.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

Aren't we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?
- snowjob ‏@canadasandra

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 5

Be sure to remember when Halloween is. Answering the door when you’re three-quarters crocked and finding a pack of midget H-Men, Masters of the Universes on the front porch can be a scary experience if you’re not expecting it.
- P. J. O’Rourke

When I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus.
- Steve Hofstetter

My version of a haunted house is hitting yes when an ATM asks me if I'd like to see my balance.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

I'm going to be "Mom who abandoned her family and fled to Mexico with a new identity" for Halloween. Too bad my kids won't get to see it.
- Tara Brown ‏@Faux_Ma

The only thing that really scares me about Halloween is running out of candy.
- Melanie White

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 6

Visit a haunted house? Nah, if I want to hear blood curdling screams I'll save money and just tell my wife there's a spider on her neck.
- Scary Terry F ‏@daemonic3

For Halloween, everyone on my street has bodies in their lawns. It's like living in Florida.
- Jason Love @Jasonlovetwit

I was complimented today on my amazing Halloween costume, which felt great. I wasn't wearing one, but still.
- Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth

I have pills bigger than these fun-size Snickers.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I have to be honest. I don't really look forward to Halloween as much as November 1st. November 1st should be named "Discount Candy Day."
- Theresa Weaver

The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy.
- Mike Raphone

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 7

I got a Halloween party invite from my car dealership, if you're wondering what's worse than not getting invited to a Halloween party.
- Chris Regan ‏@ChrisRRegan

Son: What are you going to be for Halloween, Dad?
Me: Drunk
Son: What’s mom gonna be?
Me: Mad
- Josh @iwearaonesie

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Queen Elizabeth costume was. They apologized, said they would ship my costume the next day, and I could keep the Lady Godiva costume I got by mistake.
- Unknown Author

Pretty sure your "skeleton on the porch" is trumped by my "dead Santa" as far as the little beggars are concerned.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Every day's Halloween if you spend most of it on Twitter.
- The Miller's Tale ‏@JaneBadall

I'm giving out popcorn balls and apples for Halloween. If you think I only disappoint my family on holidays, you'd be wrong.
- Böb El Diablo Jänke ‏@Bob_Janke

Giving apples and oranges to trick-or-treaters is a good way to get them to eat healthy and not come back next year.
- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

Copyright Notice:

All quotations and other content by Greg Tamblyn and Melanie White are copyrighted, unique to this site, and may not be used without permission.

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Halloween Joke Collection

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