Top 40 Funny Halloween Quotes

Dandy as candy, slick as a trick, sweet as a treat. Funny Halloween quotes that won't stick to your teeth or turn you into a diabetic. You'll be howling like a werewolf.

Funny Halloween Quotes
and One-Liners,
Group 1

Witch Is It?

Funny Halloween Quotes: photo of smiling woman wearting t-shirt with caption: "51% good witch, 49% bad witch. Don't push it!"

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.
- Jim Samuels

I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark

I love Halloween. It's the only night of the year I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate.
- Adam ‏@AdamofAlbion

Hair stylist: Gonna wear a costume for Halloween? Me: (Looking at my new haircut in the mirror) Probably something with a hood.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

These masked trick-or-treaters must be confused. They're a day early, came in the back door, passed up the candy & took the big screen TV.
Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 2

I like to get my candy early for Halloween so I have plenty of time to buy more when I eat the first bag.
- Molly ‏@SleepingSuspect

If I'm lazy and I can't come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write 'Freudian' on it.
- Julia Stiles

If you’re in Alabama, don’t dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating “a minister of any religion” is punishable by fine or jail.
- Nina Vizcarrondo, in Time

When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing.
- Robin Bach

I awaken in the Halloween aftermath. Bed covered in candy wrappers. Looking down at my chocolate smeared hands I whisper, "What have I done?"
- Reverend Scott ‏@Reverend_Scott

It's that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I've been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
- Andy H. ‏@AndyAsAdjective

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 3

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
- Donna Macabre ‏@Donna_McCoy

Instead of buying a Halloween costume it was cheaper just to get a haircut at Great Clips.
- Northside Hombre ‏@Northside_Mike

Got home, opened the bedroom closet door and a naked guy shrieked at me. Wow, my wife has some pretty crazy Halloween pranks up her sleeve.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

A Fargo woman will give overweight trick-or-treaters warning letters, not candy. In other news, a woman's house will be egged by fat kids.
- Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

Honey. I didn't *lose* our kid on Halloween, he just went as the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and I can't know exactly where he is.
- Earthman Adam ‏@AdamOfEarth

"We had so much fun playing this!"

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Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 4

When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high-heel shoes, fishnet stockings...
- David Letterman

This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour.
- Terry F @daemonic3

Boss: “I thought I said no costumes this week.”
Me: “These are my clothes.”
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

I put a box of Halloween candy on the top shelf of our cupboard and then watched my 3 year old become an architect.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

Aren't we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?
- snowjob ‏@canadasandra

Photo of man in astronaut costume talking to horse in costume in back alley, with caption: "You ate ALL the Halloween candy?"

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 5

Be sure to remember when Halloween is. Answering the door when you’re three-quarters crocked and finding a pack of midget H-Men, Masters of the Universes on the front porch can be a scary experience if you’re not expecting it.
- P. J. O’Rourke

When I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus.
- Steve Hofstetter

My version of a haunted house is hitting yes when an ATM asks me if I'd like to see my balance.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

I'm going to be "Mom who abandoned her family and fled to Mexico with a new identity" for Halloween. Too bad my kids won't get to see it.
- Tara Brown ‏@Faux_Ma

The only thing that really scares me about Halloween is running out of candy.
- Melanie White

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 6

Visit a haunted house? Nah, if I want to hear blood curdling screams I'll save money and just tell my wife there's a spider on her neck.
- Scary Terry F ‏@daemonic3

For Halloween, everyone on my street has bodies in their lawns. It's like living in Florida.
- Jason Love @Jasonlovetwit

I was complimented today on my amazing Halloween costume, which felt great. I wasn't wearing one, but still.
- Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth

I have pills bigger than these fun-size Snickers.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I have to be honest. I don't really look forward to Halloween as much as November 1st. November 1st should be named "Discount Candy Day."
- Theresa Weaver

The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy.
- Mike Raphone

How to save money on Halloween candy:

Dress up as The Penguin, Batman’s enemy. 
When kids come to the door, yank it open and yell, “Aaaaaa! Another noisy gang of moochy freeloaders! My laser umbrella will now SHRINK YOUR HEADS INTO ROTTEN APPLES!” 
Then hit the sound effects (LOUD) which freaks them out while you chase them down the driveway.

- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 7

Photo of David Letterman with caption: "On Halloween I ran out of candy and had to give the kids nicotine gum."

I got a Halloween party invite from my car dealership, if you're wondering what's worse than not getting invited to a Halloween party.
- Chris Regan ‏@ChrisRRegan

Son: What are you going to be for Halloween, Dad?
Me: Drunk
Son: What’s mom gonna be?
Me: Mad
- Josh @iwearaonesie

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Queen Elizabeth costume was. They apologized, said they would ship my costume the next day, and I could keep the Lady Godiva costume I got by mistake.
- Unknown Author

Pretty sure your "skeleton on the porch" is trumped by my "dead Santa" as far as the little beggars are concerned.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Every day's Halloween if you spend most of it on Twitter.
- The Miller's Tale ‏@JaneBadall

I'm giving out popcorn balls and apples for Halloween. If you think I only disappoint my family on holidays, you'd be wrong.
- Böb El Diablo Jänke ‏@Bob_Janke

Giving apples and oranges to trick-or-treaters is a good way to get them to eat healthy and not come back next year.
- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

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