Hilarious Thanksgiving Jokes

Thanksgiving jokes for a heaping helping of humor. You can consume all the short clean jokes and funny quotations you want. They won't stick to your thighs or put you to sleep.

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Short Thanksgiving Jokes, Group 1

Thanksgiving Jokes. Funny photo and one-liner joke by comedian Jim Samuels: "This Thanksgiving is gonna be special. Mom says I don't have to sit at the card table."

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.
- Kevin James

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
- Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving with an obstetrician:
“The turkey is dilated to 4 inches and the stuffing is crowning. Let’s eat!”

As one Indian said to another at the first Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims:
“If you feed them, they’ll never leave.”

The Thanksgiving holiday brings Americans of all races and religions together to fight over discounted electronics.
- Dave Barry

Thanksgiving Jokes:
The Phone Call

A retiree in Florida phones his daughter in New Jersey. “Honey, I have bad news. Your mother and I have decided that 52 years of marriage is enough. We’re calling it quits and getting a divorce.”

His daughter yells, “Are you crazy? What the heck are you saying?”

The father says, “We’ve had enough. We’re getting tired of the same old routine and looking at each other every day. And I don’t want to talk about it, so call your brother in Detroit and let him know.” And the line goes dead.

Panicked, the daughter phones her brother and drops the bomb.

“No way, no WAY!” shouts the brother. “This will NOT happen! Stay by the phone, I’ll handle this and call you back.”

He phones his father and says, “Sis just told me you’re getting a divorce. That’s CRAZY! No way we’re gonna let this happen. We’re both flying down there in the morning to sort this out. Don’t do anything till we get there, you hear me? Don’t do ANYTHING!”

The old man puts the phone back on the cradle and says to his wife, “It’s all arranged, Dear. The kids will be here tomorrow for Thanksgiving and they’re buying their own tickets.”

Ultimate Turkey Recipe

Here’s a killer turkey recipe, with a foolproof self-timer. It’s impossible to mess this up. You’ll get a perfectly cooked turkey every time.

Preheat the oven to 325. Prepare the turkey, basting it with salt, garlic, butter, and black pepper. In a bowl, combine equal parts stuffing mix and popcorn. (Yes, popcorn.)

Fill the turkey’s cavity with the mixture. Lay the turkey in a greased roasting pan.

Insert the turkey into the oven, with the neck pointing inward. This is very important.

Do not concern yourself with roasting time. When the turkey’s rear end blows the door off the oven, it’s done.

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Group 2

The best policy for the ingredients in giblet gravy is “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
- Melanie White

You can tell you ate too much for thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
- Jay Leno

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest pumpkin pie, zucchini bread, and carrot cake.
- Jim Davis

I hope I don't get mashed potatoes and gravy on my phone again this year.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I'm so stuffed I feel like a bunch of people in matching outfits should be parading me down Fifth Avenue.
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏

Photo of young boy with thought bubble: "Thanksgiving Advice: don't call your turkey a Big Bird and expect your kids to eat it."

Short Thanksgiving Jokes
Group 3

Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother's tasted better the day before.
- Rita Rudner

Americans observe Thanksgiving very much as the pilgrims did in 1621, by pepper-spraying each other at malls.
- Dave Barry

Gearing up for shopping tomorrow. Just knocked my grandma to the ground.
- Bridger Winegar

Celebrate Thanksgiving the American way: spend money you don't have on Chinese products.
- Andy Borowitz

My family always celebrates Thanksgiving with a fast. The faster we eat, the more food we get.
- Melanie White

"We had so much fun playing this!"

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Short Thanksgiving Jokes


Just thought of a plan that would combine the best elements of pie with the best elements of TV. My plan is to eat pie while watching TV.
- Bridger Winegar

Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
- Jim Gaffigan

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old fashioned way. I invited all my neighbors to my house. We had an enormous feast. Then I killed them and took their land.
- Jon Stewart

It's Thanksgiving, or as the Pilgrims called it, Occupy Someone Else's Country.
- Andy Borowitz

Not only did Brenda tell us how much more she likes dark meat today, my father in law informed us that of all wild game, he prefers beaver.
- Jennifer ‏@HeSlimedMeRay

Funny Quotations:
Group 5

Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Football halftimes last 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
- Erma Bombeck

It’s great that my mother-in-law volunteered to cook Thanksgiving dinner for the needy this year. You’d have to be needy to want to eat her cooking.
- Melanie White

Thanksgiving is watching my mother-in-law polishing off a quart of Boone's Farm and watching Gunsmoke on Netflix.
- Emily Claire Tamblyn

If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
- Carl Sagan

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