Thanksgiving humor that goes down even better than Rolaids Pie for dessert. Gobble at your leisure.
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This holiday season remember: Carbs you eat while hiding in the closet from your family don’t count.
- Betty @BoomBoomBetty
In the debate over pumpkin pie vs. pecan pie, the only winners are those who choose mashed potatoes and privacy.
- Annie Hatfield @HatfieldAnne
Jessica on Facebook wants to know what you’re cooking for Thanksgiving and to let you know you can make it gluten free if you just try harder.
- Funny_Frittata @SF_incognito
It's not Thanksgiving until the power struggle of Mom wanting to watch the Macy's Day Parade goes up against Dad's desire to watch football
- Zack @Mr_Kapowski
THANKSGIVING GAME: nobody gets pie until you go around the table & everyone has to say "climate change is real”
- Aparna Nancheria @aparnapkin
This Thanksgiving go around the table and say what you think someone should have thanked you for.
- Chris Gayner @chrisgayner
I love the way the sweetness of this pumpkin pie pairs so well with the tartness of this 5th Budweiser.
- Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer
I’m holding a Thanksgiving potluck. I’m gonna smoke pot & whoever’s hungry, I wish them luck!
- Bette Midler
I'm in a serious relationship with turkey and gravy.
- Jandalize @Jandalize
Mashed potatoes are like a hug for your soul.
- molly @MollySneed
Fact: Thanksgiving is mostly just an excuse for people to say “moist” over and over and over and over and
- The Untastic Mr. Fitz @UnFitz
Dinner’s in 8 hours. I better start defrosting the relationship with my wife.
- Rick Aaron @RickAaron
My little sister invited me to her first effort at cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I’m a bit of a prankster and decided to have some fun with her. While I was putting together the desserts I convinced her I needed more whipped cream for the pies and sent her off to the store.
While she was gone, I took the turkey out of the oven, pulled out all the stuffing, inserted a small Cornish hen, re-stuffed the turkey, and put it back in the oven.
Later, when the turkey was done, my sister started to remove the stuffing and her spoon hit something. She worked the spoon around until she was able to pull out the Cornish hen.
I yelled, “Oh my God, Sis! You’ve roasted a pregnant bird!”
My sister looked utterly crushed at what she’d done and started to cry.
It took us an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
Wife: *Googling turkey recipes*
Me: *Googling restaurants open on Thanksgiving*
- Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn
Got my boob stuck in the gravy boat again.
- Jocelyn Plums @ColoradoUgly
It's very simple; you either like Pumpkin pie, or you're wrong.
- Jackie Bouvier @jackiembouvier
This whole having to wait for the turkey to be fully cooked is just another lie fed to us by Big Emergency Room!
- TheAlexNevil @TheAlexNevil
Even if you’re dyslexic and spell it grayv, you’re not wrong
- Zack @Mr_Kapowski
*puts on safety goggles for Thanksgiving dinner because of last year’s wishbone shrapnel incident*
- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets
My mom is the one who starts the fight on Thanksgiving but naturally I’m the one who gets removed from the casino
- Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
You were camped outside at BestBuy for ThanksGetting...
I was chucking cranberry sauce at you from a white Chevy Impala...
- WhatserName™ @IamEveryDayPpl
If you didn't want me to write a Yelp review, you shouldn't have invited me to Thanksgiving dinner.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
Today is the best day to blame passing out from too much vodka on the turkey.
- Jess @Jessdaisy
Someone came over and said they baked a sweet potato pie. It's a yam pie. Have I taught you people nothing?
- Ellen DeGeneres
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
- Doktor J @doktorj
I don't mean to brag, but Mama buys me my own can of whipped cream.
- WittySassBasket™ @WittySassBasket
"Can I eat this entire leftover pie?" and "Should I eat this entire leftover pie?" are two valid, distinct philosophical questions and I will consider them once I am done with this pie.
- Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth
“May he who has never finished all the leftovers because he couldn’t find the goddamn lid that fit on the Tupperware cast the first stone.” -Duderotomy, 4:22
- AmishPornStar™ @AmishPornStar1
Last Thanksgiving my new dessert really hit the spot: Pepto-Bismol pie.
- Melanie White
Eat. Drink. Embrace gratitude. Don't kill anyone. Happy Thanksgiving!
- TattleTaleSister Ⓥ @TattleTSister
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