Funny Retirement Quotes

       Funny Retirement Quotes        

Funny retirement quotes that'll ease your escape to freedom. Funny retirement sayings to make your move with amusement.

Links to lots more Retirement Humor at the bottom.
Share your own jokes or feedback in the Comment box.

But first, help yourself to the Video Joke of the Day...

Available Only Here At

MilkSnort! Joke Game

The Easiest Way To Have A Hilarious Party

Click Here

Funny Retirement Sayings
Group 1

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
- Jerry Seinfeld

When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference.
- Virginia Graham

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.
- Jonathan Clements

Funny Retirement Sayings
Group 2

Retired people compliment my teeth, then tell me to take care of them. This always makes me think they are trying to steal them.
- Emily Claire Tamblyn

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.
- Gail Sheehy

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways. I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
- George Burns

Two weeks is about the ideal length of time to retire.
- Alex Comfort

Reagan is the only man to take the presidency as a part-time job, a means of filling up the otherwise empty hours of retirement.
- Simon Hoggart

You must prepare yourselves, young people, because Uncle Dave's generation is getting old. We are almost ready to go to the retirement home to spend the rest of our days tapping our bedpans rhythmically in time to "easy listening" rock 'n' roll. We must pass the torch on to you, and you must grasp it, ideally by the end that is not on fire.
- Dave Barry

Funny Retirement Quotes
Group 3

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.
- Anonymous

Retirement, we understand, is great if you are busy, rich and healthy. But then, under those conditions, work is great too.
- Bill Vaughan

Retire for what? What would I do? I made my name as a person that is helping. I'm like Moses in the music business.
- James Brown

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.
- Dave Allen

Funny Retirement Quotes
Group 4


1. You remember where your office is, but not exactly what you do there.

2. It’s less embarrassing to carry your dog’s pooper scooper than your briefcase.

3. You’ve been drinking the office coffee so long you think it actually tastes good.

4. Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet.

5. A “nice little fling at the office” means you hit the wastebasket with a wad of paper.

6. The office stockboy is younger than your grandkids.

7. You can’t remember when it was that they offered you an early retirement package, but you’re pretty sure Reagan was president then.

8. When the guys ask you if you’re “getting any,” you think it means sleep.

- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Retirement Quotes
Group 5


9. You have enough money for a yacht, but a pop-up camper sounds like more fun.

10. The candles on your birthday cake set off the office smoke alarm.

11. Your computer screensaver is a scene from Green Acres - so you can daydream about that farm you always wanted.

12. The “girls at the office” really do seem like girls.

13. You’re not sure how to work the fax machine, and have no idea what a scanner is.

14. In the middle of your retirement party you want to lie down and take a nap.

15. You keep referring to the TV remote as the "turner-upper."

16. You can’t remember how old you are.

- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Retirement Quotes
Group 6

Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.
- Malcolm Muggeridge

Whatever resources of good health, character, and fortitude you bring to retirement, remember, also, to bring money.
- Jane Bryant Quinn

For far too many people, retirement may be described as living in the past lane.
- Mardy Grothe

My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii.
- Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

My retirement plan is to wait for a global catastrophe to wipe out the majority of humanity, survive, and then rise up as Emperor of Earth
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

As to this retirement business, let me give a word of advice: Have nothing to do with it.
- Stephen Leacock

MilkSnort! The Joke Party Game

You could pay a comedian $3,000 to come to your party and you still won’t laugh as hard or have as much fun as you will with MilkSnort!

Click here to get the skinny!

* Also great for staff meetings and team building.

New! Comments

Leave A Note or Share A Joke! All comments are moderated by the Head Lafologist.

More Funny Retirement Quotes?  Go here:

Short Retirement Jokes

Or go back from "Funny Retirement Quotes" to "Retirement Jokes and Quotes"

Or back to the Home Page: "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"