Fathers Day Jokes and Funny Quotes

Fathers Day jokes for folks who love funny quotes about fatherly blokes. Daddy, Pappy, Pops, whatever you call him, he deserves a good laugh. Even more than a tie clip.

Funny photo: One gorilla asks another, "Dad, when is Father's Day?"
The other one thinks to himself, "Nine months before Mothers Day."

Joke submitted by Dan Cody, USA

Fathers Day Jokes

Group 1

Just once on Father's Day I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug instead of one with my actual ranking.
- Andy Borowitz

The only thing I really wanted for Father's Day was the thing that made me a father in the first place. Life is hard.
- Andry H'Tims ‏@Thing_Finder

Happy Fathers Day, Dad! I wouldn’t trade you for anything. Of course, nobody’s offered me anything.
- Melanie White

For Father’s Day we got my dad a t-shirt that says “Do Not Resuscitate.” He wears it whenever mom takes him to the ballet.
- Greg Tamblyn

Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
- David Letterman

Fathers Day Jokes
Group 2

My father doesn’t care about being king of the castle as long as he’s king of the remote.
- Melanie White

I enjoy Father’s Day. It’s a time when I pause to reflect on the joy that has come into my life thanks to my two wonderful children, whose names escape me.
- Dave Barry

I got my Dad a GPS for Father’s Day. Now someone other than my mom can tell him where to go.
- Melanie White

Spoiler alert - despite what some companies might say, the "gifts dad really wants" do not include an under desk exercise bike, Bluetooth smart fork, or meat-scented candle.
- The Athletic

I got my dad one of those typical Fathers Day cards. You know, with a picture of a hunting coat hanging on a peg, a duck decoy and some golf clubs leaning in the corner. Perfect card for him, because there’s nothing Dad loves more than going out in the woods on a frosty morning and beating ducks to death with a 4-iron.
- Daniel Liebert

Young tyke with boxing gloves standing over a grown man lying prone on the ground. Caption is a quotation from Dave Barry: "Remember, what Dad really wants is a nap. Really"

Fathers Day Jokes
One-Liners, Group 3

I would give my dad what he really wants on Father’s Day, but I can’t afford to move out yet.
- Melanie White

I’ve never been totally sold on the concept of Father’s Day. For one thing, it was officially declared a national holiday by Richard Nixon, so it might not even be legal.
- Dave Barry

Tomorrow is Father's Day. My lovely kids said, "Do you need something like mom does or are you okay?"
- Albert Brooks ‏@AlbertBrooks

My 4 year old made me a card for Father's Day.
Cheap bastard.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

Fathers Day is coming, but I figure, why get a tie for a guy who only goes out to the liquor store?
- David Letterman

Can't wait to pick up the phone and wish my dad a happy Father's Day on Facebook tomorrow.
- Prez Nominee Mike ‏@Northside_Mike

Father’s Day is pretty much like any other day – except people pretend to listen to me.
- M. White

Father's Day Jokes

Group 4

For Father's Day, I just want a big box of saturated fats.
- Andry H'Tims ‏@Thing_Finder

I tried to get my dad what he really wants for Father’s Day, but Jennifer Lawrence wouldn’t return my calls.
- Melanie White

Trying not to comment this morning on my co-worker's "One of the Better Dads" coffee mug.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

The message of Mother’s Day is “Mothers are amazingly good at mothering! They deserve a special day!” Whereas the message of Father’s Day is: “We’re only doing this because we have Mother’s Day.”
- Dave Barry

I have mixed emotions when I receive my Fathers Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me. I’m disappointed they think I dress like that.
- Mike Dugan

Fathers Day is so special. I love the cards my wife forces the kids to get me.
- Albert Brooks

Fathers Day Jokes: A collection of neckties hung like Christmas stockings from a fireplace mantelpiece. Caption: "The Fathers Day Decorations Are Up!"

Fathers Day Jokes
Group 5

On Father’s Day, I’m doing something for my dad that he’s wanted for years. I’m getting a job.
- Melanie White

Me: I just called to say Happy Father's Day and I love you.
Dad: That's terrific. Hey, put the dog back on. I got another joke for him.
- Elizabeth Hackett ‏@LizHackett

Can't remember what's supposed to happen if your father sees his shadow today.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

My 7 year old said he made me something for me for Father's Day but won't tell me what it is so he is being tickle-boarded.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy 

Maybe Darth Vader was just mad because he never got a World's Best Dad t-shirt or coffee mug for Father's Day.
- Ashley ‏@ashleycrem

I've known how to make a mint julep since I was 12, so I can't say I never learned anything practical from my father.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
-Mark Twain

Dad, I'm so proud of the many talents I've inherited from you. Happy Farters Day!

Photo of little 2-year-old with boxing gloves standing over dad on the ground, and Dave Barry quote: "Remember, what Dad really wants is a nap. Really."

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