Fathers Day Jokes and
Funny Quotes

Fathers Day Jokes and Funny Quotes

Fathers Day jokes for folks who love funny quotes about fatherly blokes. Daddy, Pappy, Pops, whatever you call him, he deserves a good laugh. Even more than a tie clip.

Links to more Dad humor at bottom of page.
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Fathers Day Jokes
Group 1

Just once on Father's Day I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug instead of one with my actual ranking.
- Andy Borowitz

The only thing I really wanted for Father's Day was the thing that made me a father in the first place. Life is hard.
- Andry H'Tims ‏@Thing_Finder

Happy Fathers Day, Dad! I wouldn’t trade you for anything. Of course, nobody’s offered me anything.
- Melanie White

Fathers Day Jokes
Group 2

For Father’s Day we got my dad a t-shirt that says “Do Not Resuscitate.” He wears it whenever mom takes him to the ballet.
- Greg Tamblyn

Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
- David Letterman

At the very least, Fathers Day should mean unlimited channel surfing.
- Melanie White

I enjoy Father’s Day. It’s a time when I pause to reflect on the joy that has come into my life thanks to my two wonderful children, whose names escape me.
- Dave Barry

I got my Dad a GPS for Father’s Day. Now someone other than my mom can tell him where to go.
- Melanie White

Spoiler alert - despite what some companies might say, the "gifts dad really wants" do not include an under desk exercise bike, Bluetooth smart fork, or meat-scented candle.
- The Athletic

I got my dad one of those typical Fathers Day cards. You know, with a picture of a hunting coat hanging on a peg, a duck decoy and some golf clubs leaning in the corner. Perfect card for him, because there’s nothing Dad loves more than going out in the woods on a frosty morning and beating ducks to death with a 4-iron.
- Daniel Liebert

Fathers Day Jokes
One-Liners, Group 3

I would give my dad what he really wants on Father’s Day, but I can’t afford to move out yet.
- Melanie White

I’ve never been totally sold on the concept of Father’s Day. For one thing, it was officially declared a national holiday by Richard Nixon, so it might not even be legal.
- Dave Barry

Tomorrow is Father's Day. My lovely kids said, "Do you need something like mom does or are you okay?"
- Albert Brooks ‏@AlbertBrooks

My 4 year old made me a card for Father's Day.
Cheap bastard.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

Fathers Day is coming, but I figure, why get a tie for a guy who only goes out to the liquor store?
- David Letterman

Can't wait to pick up the phone and wish my dad a happy Father's Day on Facebook tomorrow.
- Prez Nominee Mike ‏@Northside_Mike

Father's Day Jokes
Group 4

For Father's Day, I just want a big box of saturated fats.
- Andry H'Tims ‏@Thing_Finder

I tried to get my dad what he really wants for Father’s Day, but Jennifer Lawrence wouldn’t return my calls.
- Melanie White

Trying not to comment this morning on my co-worker's "One of the Better Dads" coffee mug.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

The message of Mother’s Day is “Mothers are amazingly good at mothering! They deserve a special day!” Whereas the message of Father’s Day is: “We’re only doing this because we have Mother’s Day.”
- Dave Barry

I have mixed emotions when I receive my Fathers Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me. I’m disappointed they think I dress like that.
- Mike Dugan

Funny Fathers Day Quotes
Group 5

On Father’s Day, I’m doing something for my dad that he’s wanted for years. I’m getting a job.
- Melanie White

Me: I just called to say Happy Father's Day and I love you.
Dad: That's terrific. Hey, put the dog back on. I got another joke for him.
- Elizabeth Hackett ‏@LizHackett

Can't remember what's supposed to happen if your father sees his shadow today.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

My 7 year old said he made me something for me for Father's Day but won't tell me what it is so he is being tickle-boarded.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy 

Maybe Darth Vader was just mad because he never got a World's Best Dad t-shirt or coffee mug for Father's Day.
- Ashley ‏@ashleycrem

I've known how to make a mint julep since I was 12, so I can't say I never learned anything practical from my father.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
-Mark Twain

Dad, I'm so proud of the many talents I've inherited from you. Happy Farters Day!

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