Dad jokes and funny father quotes, because fathers are fodder for funny. Share 'em with your old man, then thank him for all the good stuff.
If you ever want to torture my dad, tie him up and right in front of him, refold a map incorrectly.
- Cathy Ladman
My father makes money the American way. He trips over stuff and sues people.
- Dominic Dierkes
My dad asked me, “Son, have I been a good father?”
I said, “Dad, you’re the best. Why do you ask?”
He said, “I wanted to make sure the way you turned out is your fault.”
- Stu Trivax
My father is very handy with tools. He hands them to me when he wants me to get some work done.
- Melanie White
I know that if my mom fell and screamed for help, my dad would jump right up to rescue her as soon as it was halftime.
- Bruce Cameron
My wife just let me know I’m about to become a father for the first time. The bad news is that we already have two kids.
- Brian Kiley
I phoned my dad to tell him I stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
- Steven Pearl
You gotta love dads. At my wedding, when I tripped on my wedding dress and fell flat on my face, Dad said, “Don’t worry, you’ll do better next time.”
- Melanie White
My father didn’t ask me to leave home. He took me down to the highway and pointed.
I am an expert on electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- W. C. Fields
The worst thing that can happen to a man is his wife comes home and he has lost the child. “How did everything go?” “Great, we’re playing hide and seek and he’s winning.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad's advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
- Tony @Tmoney68
My dad's been around the block a time or two. That’s about as far as he can go without getting lost.
- Melanie White
My dad said I’d never amount to anything. Lucky guess.
- David Cousins
My dad’s pants kept creeping up on him. By 65 he was just a pair of pants and a head.
- Jeff Altman
My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football, and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage.
- Glenn Super
All during the pregnancy when I was
supposed to be reading baby books and taking baby classes and learning
baby CPR didn’t really go to waste because I did use the time to shop
for the perfect video camera.
- Paul Reiser
Today, while the titular head of the family may still be the father, everyone knows that he is little more than chairman, at most, of the entertainment committee.
- Ashley Montagu
My father hugged me only once, on my 21st
birthday. It was very awkward. I now know what it was that made me feel
uncomfortable: the nudity.
- Ray Romano
I love my dad, because even though he has Alzheimer’s, he remembers the important things. He can’t remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him.
- Thyra Lees-Smith
My father would give us previews of coming attractions. “Do I have to get the belt?”
“Oh no, Dad, we’d prefer that shovel with the nails in it.”
- Jack Gallagher
My dad is not real bright, but I love the guy. We go to this trophy shop because my basketball team won second place. We were in this shop and there are trophies everywhere. My dad looks around and says, “This guy is really good.”
- Fred Wolf
I asked my dad for a BB gun, but he said we were a tribe of worriers, not warriors.
- Hilary Price
When you’re young you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.
- Dave Attell
The greatest advantage mothers have over fathers, is knowing which children really belong to them.
- Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
My dad, 86 years old and he’s still working. God bless him. He’s a pimp, and he’s out there every night.
- Jonathan Katz
I never knew what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him $100 and
said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he
bought a present for my mother.
- Rita Rudner
dad’s hearing is gone, and his mind is slowly following. He called me
up the other night, very excited. He said, “Jonathan, when I get up to
go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don’t have to turn on
the light; the light goes on automatically. When I’m done, the light
goes off automatically.”
I said, “Dad, you’re peeing in the fridge, and it’s got to stop.”
- Jonathan Katz
fathers are intimidating because they’re fathers. Once a man has
children, his attitude is, “To hell with the world. I can make my own
people. I’ll eat whatever I want. I’ll wear whatever I want. And I’ll
create whoever I want.”
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
- Spike Milligan
A Father is one whose daughter marries a
man who is vastly her inferior, but then gives birth to unbelievably
My dad taught me everything I know. It’s not very much, but that’s all I know.
- Bubba Watson, pro golfer
One day my boys will wise up and realize they get to stay up playing video games only as long as I'm winning.
- Aristotles @AristotlesNZ
A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
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