These funny quotes about television will reframe the TV game in your brain. Even if you're feeling brain-dead. Your inner big screen will have a new big picture.
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Television is a weapon of mass distractrion.
- Larry Gelbart
Nuclear war would really set back cable.
- Ted Turner
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
- Henny Youngman
One night I came home and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.
- Stephen Wright
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I’ve discovered? I need a girlfriend.
- Dave Attell
I’m a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.
- George Lopez
Future generations will look back on TV as the lead in the water pipes that slowly drove the Romans mad.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
- Bill Hicks
Remote controls are quite handy. They let you see that there’s nothing worth watching on TV a lot faster.
- Melanie White
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
- Dave Barry
There are two things you never turn down: sex and appearing on television.
- Gore Vidal
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it, can’t eat it, can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera: “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Goodbye.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I had it on the same station. I was getting C-SPAN and The Home Shopping Network. I actually bought a congressman.
- Bruce Brown
Television is like the invention of indoor plumbing. It didn't change people's habits. It just kept them inside the house.
- Alfred Hitchcock
Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
- Bill Gates
Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force into an immovable object.
- Laurence J. Peter
I don’t like to channel surf. You guys like it, don’t you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.
- Wendy Liebman
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don’t run away!”
- Dave Attell
I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marks
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don’t these idiots who run the news programs know we don’t want to read? That’s why we’re watching TV.
- Jerry Seinfeld
The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.
- Bill Maher
Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.
- Dennis Miller
It's not brain surgery. It's not nuclear physics. It's television. It's only television.
- Linda Ellerbee
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it “The No Fact Zone.” Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
- Stephen Colbert
A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.
- Conan O’Brien
The news is always going on about how video games are too violent. Sure there are some video games small children shouldn’t play. But I’m a grownup lady, and occasionally I need to shoot shit. And it’s best if that happens fictionally.
- Jackie Kashian
Ours is a society in which secrets of private life that, formerly, you
would have given nearly anything to conceal, you now clamor to get on a
television show to reveal.
- Susan Sontag
Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle, (d) shoot, (e) poison, and, generally speaking, (f) how to grow up into a Wild West outlaw or gangster by the time you leave school.
- George Mikes
We think basically you watch television to turn your brain off, and you work on your computer when you want to turn your brain on.
- Steve Jobs
If the television craze continues with the present level of programs, we are destined to have a nation of morons.
- Daniel Marsh (President of Boston University, 1950)
Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media. What we have now, to quote myself at my most pretentious, is a nimiety of scurrility with a concomitant exiguity of taste.
- Tom Lehrer
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