Funny Bitchy Quotes

Bitchy quotes for when you don't feel sunny but wanna make it funny. Or when you just need some hilarious stuff to pull you out of your pout. These very funny jokes will help you bitch in style.

Humor Quotes:
Bitchy, Group 1

Banner with quote by Dorothy Parker on the Harvard Prom: "If all the ladies were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised."

I've known some great bitchers in my time. With some it's a passion, with others an art.
- Molly Ivins

Stupid people are way too fertile.
Jessica @Schmoodles

I wish my boyfriend loved me as much as he loves being wrong.
- Jessica Fancy

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

A person who's a bitch would seem to be mean for no reason. I'm not a mean person. Maybe I'm rude without being aware of it — that's possible.
- Barbara Streisand

I pieced together all the whiniest, insipid, and inspirational Facebook statuses I could find and now Taylor Swift wants her song back.
- Kelkulus @kelkulus

Bitchy Quotes:

Group 2

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing  trivial.
- Irvin S. Cobb

Do you hate having free time, sleeping in, and being caught up on your laundry? Then having kids might be just what you're looking for.
- Mike Vanatta

I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, "I'm so sorry, but I just remembered I don't want to."
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w 

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.
- Aristotles

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson

Every successful enterprise requires three men: a dreamer, a business-man, and a son-of-a-bitch.
- Peter McArthur

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

Some  cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

Bitchy Quotes
Group 3

Bitchy Quotes: Banner with Art Buchwald quote: "I worship the quicksand he walks in."

I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.
- Noel Coward

Donald Trump's hair is to coiffure what Ashton Kutcher is to dramatic acting.
- Tony Vitale

Unfortunately, he was about as deep as a melted ice cube.
- Gail Collins, NY Times, on John Edwards

I don't think the son of a bitch [Richard Nixon] knows the difference between telling the truth and lying.
- Harry S. Truman

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- Joan Rivers

Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead.
I say, "Good. He’s dead."
- Kate Clinton

Hilarious Stuff

Bitching, Group 4

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
- Paul Keating

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John Bright 

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth, on Douglas MacArthur

You give the people what they want, they’ll turn out.
- A rival producer, at Louis B. Mayer’s funeral

I imagine a lot of people tune in simply to watch reporters get bitch-slapped by Mother Nature, and frankly, who can blame them?
- Anderson Cooper on hurricanes

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

Bitchy Quotes
Group 5

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
- Maya Angelou

Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.
- Peter Ustinov

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.
- Dorothy Parker

She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
- Celia Rivenbark, freelance columnist

I knew her before she was a virgin.
- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day

Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.
- John Simon

Forget the Bible, the greatest argument against human evolution is a YouTube comment thread.
- Damien Fahey

Humor Quotes
Birtching, Group 6

Every word she writes is a lie, including ‘and’ and ‘the.’
- Mary McCarthy, on Lillian Hellman

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
- Charles Darwin, on Shakespeare

The work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.
- Virginia Woolfe, on James Joyce’s Ulysses

A poor creature who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering.
- Thomas Carlyle, on Percy Bysshe Shelley

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.
- Mae West

His lie ability is an asset
- Alec Sulkin

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
- Billy Wilder 

Banner with Mark Twain image and quote: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

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