Bitchy quotes for when you don't feel sunny but wanna make it funny. Or when you just need some hilarious stuff to pull you out of your pout. These very funny jokes will help you bitch in style.
Whatever you do, don't give up. Because all you can do once you've given up is bitch. I've known some great bitchers in my time. With some it's a passion, with others an art.
- Molly Ivins
Stupid people are way too fertile.
I wish my boyfriend loved me as much as he loves being wrong.
- Jessica Fancy
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
A person who's a bitch would seem to be mean for no reason. I'm not a mean person. Maybe I'm rude without being aware of it — that's possible.
- Barbara Streisand
I pieced together all the whiniest, insipid, and inspirational Facebook
statuses I could find and now Taylor Swift wants her song back.
- Kelkulus @kelkulus
Forget the Bible, the greatest argument against human evolution is a YouTube comment thread.
- Damien Fahey
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Irvin S. Cobb
you hate having free time, sleeping in, and being caught up on your
laundry? Then having kids might be just what you're looking for.
- Mike Vanatta
dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by
saying, "I'm so sorry, but I just remembered I don't want to"
- Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.
He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson
Every successful enterprise requires three men: a dreamer, a business-man, and a son-of-a-bitch.
- Peter McArthur
I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.
- Noel Coward
Donald Trump's hair is to coiffure what Ashton Kutcher is to dramatic acting.
- Tony Vitale
Unfortunately, he was about as deep as a melted ice cube.
- Gail Collins, NY Times, on John Edwards
I don't think the son of a bitch [Richard Nixon] knows the difference between telling the truth and lying.
- Harry S. Truman
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- Joan Rivers
Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead.
I say, ‘He’s dead. Good.’
- Kate Clinton
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
- Paul Keating
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John Bright
Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth, on Douglas MacArthur
You give the people what they want, they’ll turn out.
- A rival producer, at Louis B. Mayer’s funeral
I imagine a lot of people tune in simply to watch reporters get bitch-slapped by Mother Nature, and frankly, who can blame them?
- Anderson Cooper on hurricanes
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
- Maya Angelou
Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.
- Peter Ustinov
He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.
- Dorothy Parker
She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
- Celia Rivenbark, freelance columnist
I knew her before she was a virgin.
- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.
- John Simon
Every word she writes is a lie, including ‘and’ and ‘the.’
- Mary McCarthy, on Lillian Hellman
I have tried lately to read Shakespeare and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
- Charles Darwin, on Shakespeare
The work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.
- Virginia Woolfe, on James Joyce’s Ulysses
A poor creature who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering.
- Thomas Carlyle, on Percy Bysshe Shelley
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.
- Mae West
His lie ability is an asset
- Alec Sulkin
All quotations and other content by Greg Tamblyn and Melanie White are copyrighted, unique to this site, and may not be used without permission.