Top 40 Funny Political Quotes

Funny political quotes that'll make you want to run...but not for office. More like flee the country and move to a small island. Hilarious quotes and short clean jokes to help you remember (sigh) it's always been this way. Therefore, elect to keep smiling!

Hilarious Quotes:
Politics, Group 1

My choice early in life was between whether to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.
- Harry S. Truman

- Abraham Lincoln, on the accusation that he was two-faced:
“If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?”

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist

If his IQ slips any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day.
- Molly Ivins, on a Texas politician

All politics is loco.
- Howard Ogden

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
- Art Buchwald

Take a good look at me, because you'll never recognize me once my opponent gets done with me.
- Leonard Boswell, Iowa congressman

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.
- Winston Churchill

Funny Political Quotes
Group 2

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
- Simon Cameron

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
- Dave Barry

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.
- Charles de Gaulle

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
- Doug Larson

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
- Oscar Ameringer

Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
- Bob Edwards

There are two things that are important in politics. The first is money, and I can’t remember the second.
- Mark Hanna

Funny Political Quotes
Group 3

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx

One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
- Plato

State legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for higher office.
- Dennis Miller

98 percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working Americans. It’s the other lousy 2 percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
- Lily Tomlin

How come all those righteous politicians who claim to be following the Big Guy Upstairs end up getting caught following the little guy downstairs?
- Steve Bhaerman (Swami Beyondananda)

In politics it is necessary either to betray one's country or the electorate. I prefer to betray the electorate.
- Charles de Gaulle

A politician is a person with whose politics you don’t agree. If you agree with him, he is a statesman.
- David Lloyd George

Funny Political Quotes
Group 4

Running for president is like sticking your face in the blade of a fan.
- Mike Huckabee

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
- Pericles (430 B.C.)

Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.
- Will Rogers

I don't think we should go to the moon...I think we maybe should send some politicians up there.
- Ron Paul

All politicians should have three hats - one to throw into the ring, one to talk through, and one to pull rabbits out of if elected.
- Carl Sandburg

It is fast approaching the point where I don’t want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
- Erma Bombeck

Politics is not the art of the possible. It’s the art of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

Without going to jail, you cannot be a big politician.
- Babban Kumar, member of Parliament in India

Funny Political Quotes
Group 5

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
- George Bernard Shaw (in Major Barbara)

We have a deeply divided body politic. Half of our population believes our elections are broken, the other half believes they are fixed.
- Steve Bhaerman (Swami Beyondananda)

Politicians who say how much they hate Washington but run for reelection are like people who stay married to Mel Gibson.
- Andy Borowitz

Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.
- Molly Ivins

All of the problems we face today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indians.
- Pat Paulsen

If you ever injected truth into politics, you’d have no politics.
- Will Rogers

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
- Unknown Author

Funny Political Quotes
Group 6

Politics is show business for ugly people.
- Paul Begala

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Sen. Everett Dirksen

I have the most reliable friend you can have in American politics, and that is ready money.
Phil Gramm

I offer my opponents a bargain. If they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
- Adlai Stevenson

Politicians are like diapers. They both need to be changed often. And for the same reason.
- Tom Blair

Lately, political anger has become all the rage.
- Swami Beyondananda

Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
- Tom Lehrer

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More Funny Political Quotes? Try these:

Funny Ronald Reagan Quotes

Obama Jokes

George Bush Jokes

Republican Jokes

Donald Trump Jokes

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