Dandy as candy, slick as a trick, sweet as a treat. Funny Halloween quotes that won't stick to your teeth or turn you into a diabetic. You'll be howling like a werewolf.
Links to more Halloween Humor at the bottom.
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Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.
- Jim Samuels
I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses do
not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to
their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark
I love Halloween. It's the only night of the year I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate.
- Adam [email protected]
Hair stylist: Gonna wear a costume for Halloween? Me: (Looking at my new haircut in the mirror) Probably something with a hood.
- John Lyon [email protected]
These masked trick-or-treaters must be confused. They're a day early, came in the back door, passed up the candy & took the big screen TV.
Just Bill [email protected]
I like to get my candy early for Halloween so I have plenty of time to buy more when I eat the first bag.
- Molly [email protected]
If I'm lazy and I can't come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write 'Freudian' on it.
- Julia Stiles
If you’re in Alabama, don’t dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating “a minister of any religion” is punishable by fine or jail.
- Nina Vizcarrondo, in Time
When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing.
- Robin Bach
My wife likes to dress up like a witch for Halloween. Same as every other day.
It's that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I've been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
- Andy H. [email protected]
I awaken in the Halloween aftermath. Bed covered in candy wrappers. Looking down at my chocolate smeared hands I whisper, "What have I done?"
- Reverend Scott [email protected]_Scott
When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high-heel shoes, fishnet stockings...
- David Letterman
Honey. I didn't *lose* our kid on Halloween, he just went as the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and I can't know exactly where he is.
- Earthman Adam [email protected]
Boss: “I thought I said no costumes this week.”
Me: “These are my clothes.”
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
I put a box of Halloween candy on the top shelf of our cupboard and then watched my 3 year old become an architect.
- Brian Hope [email protected]
Aren't we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?
- snowjob [email protected]
Be sure to remember when Halloween is. Answering the door when you’re three-quarters crocked and finding a pack of midget H-Men, Masters of the Universes on the front porch can be a scary experience if you’re not expecting it.
- P. J. O’Rourke
When I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus.
- Steve Hofstetter
My version of a haunted house is hitting yes when an ATM asks me if I'd like to see my balance.
- Damien Fahey [email protected]
I'm going to be "Mom who abandoned her family and fled to Mexico with a new identity" for Halloween. Too bad my kids won't get to see it.
- Tara Brown [email protected]_Ma
The only thing that really scares me about Halloween is running out of candy.
- Melanie White
I think my mother-in-law is the only person who dresses up on Halloween – just so she won’t scare the kids.
- Melanie White
Visit a haunted house? Nah, if I want
to hear blood curdling screams I'll save money and just tell my wife
there's a spider on her neck.
- Scary Terry F [email protected]
For Halloween, everyone on my street has bodies in their lawns. It's like living in Florida.
- Jason Love @Jasonlovetwit
I was complimented today on my amazing Halloween costume, which felt great. I wasn't wearing one, but still.
- Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth
I have pills bigger than these fun-size Snickers.
- Just Bill [email protected]
I have to be honest. I don't really look forward to Halloween as much as November 1st. November 1st should be named "Discount Candy Day."
- Theresa Weaver
The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy.
- Mike Raphone
You know what’s scary? When your wife dresses up like a witch and still worries about her makeup being perfect.
- Melanie White
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