Top 30 Funny Halloween Quotes

Top 30 Funny Halloween Quotes

Dandy as candy, slick as a trick, sweet as a treat. Funny Halloween quotes that won't stick to your teeth or turn you into a diabetic. You'll be howling like a werewolf.

Links to more Halloween Humor at the bottom.
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Funny Halloween Quotes
and One-Liners,
Group 1

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.
- Jim Samuels

I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark

I love Halloween. It's the only night of the year I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate.
- Adam ‏@AdamofAlbion

Hair stylist: Gonna wear a costume for Halloween? Me: (Looking at my new haircut in the mirror) Probably something with a hood.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

These masked trick-or-treaters must be confused. They're a day early, came in the back door, passed up the candy & took the big screen TV.
Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 2

I like to get my candy early for Halloween so I have plenty of time to buy more when I eat the first bag.
- Molly ‏@SleepingSuspect

If I'm lazy and I can't come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write 'Freudian' on it.
- Julia Stiles

If you’re in Alabama, don’t dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating “a minister of any religion” is punishable by fine or jail.
- Nina Vizcarrondo, in Time

When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing.
- Robin Bach

My wife likes to dress up like a witch for Halloween. Same as every other day.
- Anonymous

It's that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I've been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
- Andy H. ‏@AndyAsAdjective

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 3

I awaken in the Halloween aftermath. Bed covered in candy wrappers. Looking down at my chocolate smeared hands I whisper, "What have I done?"
- Reverend Scott ‏@Reverend_Scott

When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high-heel shoes, fishnet stockings...
- David Letterman

Honey. I didn't *lose* our kid on Halloween, he just went as the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and I can't know exactly where he is.
- Earthman Adam ‏@AdamOfEarth

Boss: “I thought I said no costumes this week.”
Me: “These are my clothes.”
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

I put a box of Halloween candy on the top shelf of our cupboard and then watched my 3 year old become an architect.
- Brian Hope ‏@Brianhopecomedy

Aren't we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?
- snowjob ‏@canadasandra

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 4

Be sure to remember when Halloween is. Answering the door when you’re three-quarters crocked and finding a pack of midget H-Men, Masters of the Universes on the front porch can be a scary experience if you’re not expecting it.
- P. J. O’Rourke

When I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus.
- Steve Hofstetter

My version of a haunted house is hitting yes when an ATM asks me if I'd like to see my balance.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

I'm going to be "Mom who abandoned her family and fled to Mexico with a new identity" for Halloween. Too bad my kids won't get to see it.
- Tara Brown ‏@Faux_Ma

The only thing that really scares me about Halloween is running out of candy.
- Melanie White

I think my mother-in-law is the only person who dresses up on Halloween – just so she won’t scare the kids.
- Melanie White

Funny Halloween Quotes,
Group 5

Visit a haunted house? Nah, if I want to hear blood curdling screams I'll save money and just tell my wife there's a spider on her neck.
- Scary Terry F ‏@daemonic3

For Halloween, everyone on my street has bodies in their lawns. It's like living in Florida.
- Jason Love @Jasonlovetwit

I was complimented today on my amazing Halloween costume, which felt great. I wasn't wearing one, but still.
- Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth

I have pills bigger than these fun-size Snickers.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I have to be honest. I don't really look forward to Halloween as much as November 1st. November 1st should be named "Discount Candy Day."
- Theresa Weaver

The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy.
- Mike Raphone

You know what’s scary? When your wife dresses up like a witch and still worries about her makeup being perfect.
- Melanie White

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