Valentines Jokes & One Liners

Valentines Jokes
& One Liners

Valentines jokes that’ll ease your freeze if you got no squeeze. Funny valentines day quotes that’ll help you seize the day of cupid with humor.

Links to more Valentines humor at the bottom.
Share your own marriage jokes in the Comment box.

Funny Valentine Quotes
Group 1

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
- Robert Orben

On this Valentine’s Day I’d just like to say I wouldn’t trade you for anything. (Of course, nobody’s made an offer…)
- Melanie White

Hallmark is coming out with a new card for guys who forget Valentine’s Day. The card is small and gold and maxes out at ten grand.
- Craig Kilborn

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
- Tracy Smith

Valentines Jokes
One Liners, Group 2

The perfect way to get back at a man for forgetting Valentine’s Day is to forget to cook Thanksgiving dinner.
- Melanie White

Valentines Day Candy. Ask yourself: is it worth the weight?
- Anonymous

Remember your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.
- Melanie White

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.
- Anonymous

This Valentine’s Day I’m going to do something I don’t normally do: remember it.
- Melanie White

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day.
- Jay Leno

Valentine’s Day is a man’s way of letting his wife know how much he appreciates her putting up with him during football season.
- Melanie White

Valentines Jokes:
One Liners, Group 3

The Super Bowl is man's way of balancing out Valentine's Day.
- Jason Love

Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married people are reminded what poor aim Cupid has.
- Anonymous

Valentines Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
- Lewis Black

My husband isn’t very romantic. I think he just remembers Valentine’s Day in self defense.
- Melanie White

Valentines Day
Sayings, Group 4

I’d kiss a frog even if there was no promise of a Prince Charming popping out of it. I love frogs.
- Cameron Diaz

Fellas, no matter what you hear on the radio over a million times this week, roses dipped in gold are not a good Valentine's Day gift.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

Once again, my Valentine's Eve caroling was not well-received by the neighbors.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

Men: You WILL submit to the Valentine's Day Industrial Complex.
- Dave Barry @rayadverb

A Married Valentines Poem: 
Roses are red 
And ready for plucking 
When I get home 
We'll be doing something romantic cuz you deserve it honey.
- Aristotles @AristotlesNZ

Valentines Jokes:
One Liners, Group

This probably goes without saying but
Roses are red
Puppies love hugs
I'm gonna do you
Like Lohan does drugs
would be a terrible Valentine card.
- prontopup @prontopup

Remember, nothing says "I Love you" on Valentine's Day like a Weasel in a Sack™ from Lyon's Weasel Farms. [Not responsible for injuries.]
- John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets

If only they did Valentines cards that said 'You're good for a year' with a countdown clock on the front.
- Daniel Sloss @Daniel_Sloss

My wife doesn't want to go to Hooters for Valentine's Day, so it looks like it will just be me.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

He loved his girlfriend. She was like the square root of minus one - mysterious, sought after by millions…..and imaginary.
- 50 Nerds of Grey @50NerdsofGrey

My diabetic girlfriend doesn't even appreciate me saving her life by eating all this Valentine's chocolate I bought her
- Terry F @daemonic3

Valentines Day Excuse #11:
“Sorry I forgot, Honey. I was using the Mayan calendar.”

Valentines Jokes:
One Liners, Group

Valentine’s Day, remember: the only truly painless way out of a relationship is to be the first to die.
- from a cartoon by

Valentines Day money-saving tip: break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
- David Letterman

Valentine’s Day suggestion, make a giant paper banner that says “World’s Best Lover” and then ask your wife or girlfriend to hold it up for you to run through on your way to the bedroom.
- Anonymous

Here’s to a VD free VD!
- Anonymous

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More Valentines fun? Try these:

Best Valentines Day Jokes Poems     Funny Marriage Quotes

Cute Love Sayings      Funny Love Sayings

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