Top 30 Thanksgiving Joke &
Funny Quote Collection

Top 30 Thanksgiving Joke
& Funny Quote Collection

A Thanksgiving joke,
Whether sassy or silly,
Not only tastes great
It's also less filling.

Links to more Turkey Day Humor at the bottom.
Share you own jokes or feedback in the Comment box.

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes, Group 1:

[Turkey jumps off counter, grabs phone]
"Hello Butterball help line? They're gonna shove me in the oven! GET ME OUT OF HERE. Yes I'll hold."
- Mike Vanatta

Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook.
- Melanie White

Unless you live alone, do you ever REALLY know where that turkey baster's been?
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
- Craig Ferguson

Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus.
- Melanie White

Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Thanksgiving Joke Collection,
Funny Quotations, Group 2

I don’t eat pumpkin pie. It’s made from the guts of jack-o-lanterns, and that’s just spooky.
- Melanie White

Extended family Thanksgiving gatherings are like sitting around with living, breathing forwarded emails.
- Erica ‏@SCbchbum

The Pilgrims had amazing foresight to invent Thanksgiving and football on the same day.
- Greg Tamblyn

Store security stopped my wife at the door for trying to steal a butterball turkey. I had to show ID proving I'm not a butterball turkey.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Mom’s Thanksgiving diet tip: Don’t be a turkey and eat like such a pig.
- Anonymous

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.
- Melanie White

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes,
Group 3

This time of year the holidays get confusing. I just saw a kid light a candle inside a turkey and yell "Merry Christmas."
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

I can't wait to not eat the candied yams on Thanksgiving.
- Sara ‏@sara_ashlynn

What do you call a short video from Thanksgiving that keeps repeating? ThanksGIFing.
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- Phyllis Diller

Every Thanksgiving I think about how much Pilgrims had to sacrifice just so we could have a day off work.
- Melanie White

After Thanksgiving dinner men fall asleep because they’re full of turkey; women fall asleep because they’re exhausted.
- Melanie White

Thanksgiving Joke Collection,
Funny Quotations, Group 4

OMG, I gave thanks for everything yesterday, but it was the WRONG DAY.
- Steve Martin

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
- Johnny Carson

Stove Top Dressing: satisfying your craving for a big bowl full of wet onions and mush since 1957!
- Mike Vanatta

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'
- Jack Handey

For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.
- Andy Borowitz

We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
- George Carlin

Thanksgiving Joke Collection,
Funny Quotations, Group 5

I'm looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.
- Damien Fahey

Thanksgiving is when the Indians said, well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.
- Jay Leno

Every Thanksgiving I’m thankful I decided to wait until New Years to start my diet.
- Melanie White

Too bad those pilgrims didn't gather around some cheeseburgers instead of a turkey.
- lisa goodwin ‏@LisaGoodwin1

You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, "Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave."
- Dylan Brody

Dear America, Thanksgiving was in October, silly!
Love, Canada Xoxo

- snowjob ‏@canadasandra

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