Hilarious One Liners - Marriage

Hilarious One Liners - Marriage

So many hilarious one liners about “marital bliss.” Even Socrates gets into the act. Marriage gives you lots to laugh about - with your partner or without.

Links to more marriage humor at the bottom.
Share your own joke or feedback in the Comment box.

Hilarious One Liners:
Marriage, Group 1

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
- Bette Midler

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
- Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
- Mickey Rooney (married 8 times)

Hilarious One Liners:
Marriage, Group 2

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.
- Dick Martin

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Funny Quotations:
, Group 3

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
- W. C. Fields

Marriage is a three-ring circus. First the engagement ring, the the wedding ring, then the suffering.
- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
- Henny Youngman

Gays and lesbians getting married -- haven’t they suffered enough?
- From a cartoon by Michael Shaw

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- George Carlin

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
- James Thurber

Hilarious One Liners:
, Group 4

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
- Nora Ephron

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
- Jack Benny

Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
- Spike Milligan

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it.
- Walter Matthau

Hilarious One Liners:
Marriage, Group 5

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
- Rodney Dangerfield

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
- Shelley Winters

My friend’s snoring is so bad his wife bought one of those anti-snoring devices. I believe it’s called a taser.
- Greg Tamblyn

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little attention, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
- Henny Youngman

I was so cold the other day, I almost got married.
- Shelley Winters

When marriage goes out the door, love comes innuendo!
- Groucho Marx

Funny Quotations: Marriage, Group 6

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mr. Right is coming. But he's in Africa and he's walking.
- Oprah Winfrey

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland

Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.
- Franck Dubosc

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

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