Funny food quotes featuring all the comestibles we consume freely, to quote the Coneheads. Gluten-free and no calories! Gobble 'em for a guilt-free snack.

Funny Quotes About
Food, Group 1

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
- Dave Barry

Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche.
- Lewis Grizzard

The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again.
- George Miller

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning.
- John Barrymore

Funny Food Quotes
Group 2

Vegetarians are cowards. They just kill things that can’t move.
- Anonymous

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because 
I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown

When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny.
- Greg Tamblyn

My daughters think ketchup is a vegetable.
- Bowen White

Shake and shake
the catsup bottle
first none'll come
and then a lot'll.
- Richard Armour

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
- Douglas Adams

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- George Carlin

Funny Food Quotes
Group 3

I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day.
- Andy Borowitz

How am I supposed to relax in a world where “truffle” can mean either chocolate or fungus?
- from a cartoon by Dan Piraro

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reason I have trust issues.
- Ruminations.com

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the "Titanic" who waved off the dessert cart.
- Erma Bombeck

A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.
- Stephen King

Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.
- Don Kardong

Funny Food Quotes
Group 4

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
- Anonymous

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Phyllis Diller

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner!
- Lynda Montgomery

I don’t eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don’t eat anything that looks like I should step on it.
- George Carlin

I avoid oysters, which are clearly - scientists should look into this next - members of the phlegm family.
- Dave Barry

One man's fish is another man's 'poisson'.
- Carolyn Wells

Funny Quotes About
Food, Group 5

British potato chips differ from the American version in that the English chips are grey and soggy, as if they were laundered with dirty socks. They can be delicious if you’ve taken complete leave of your senses.
- Bruce Cameron

People will pay $24.95 to eat a lobster, despite the fact that it displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely:
a) It has way more legs than necessary.
b) There is no way you could ever pet it.
c) It does not respond to simple commands such as, “Here, boy!”
- Dave Barry

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
-Tommy Smothers

Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.
- Ambrose Bierce


Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- Mitch Hedberg

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
- Jack Benny

I used to be shy about ordering a steak after I had eaten a steak sandwich, but I got used to it.
- A. J. Liebling

Funny Food Quotes
Group 6

Gonna open a store that sells nothing but bagels and donuts and call it Hole Foods.
- Gonnnzo

If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger.
- Matthew Dolkart

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
- Orson Welles

Snack time heals all wounds.
- Bridger Winegar

Bought two hundred thousand Twinkies today in case they go bankrupt. They keep, right?
- Albert Brooks

McDonald’s “Breakfast for Under a Dollar” actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.
- George Carlin

Funny Food Quotes
Group 7

If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk.
- Bridger Winegar

Not sure if there is a Hell, but if there is it will probably be indistinguishable from a food court.
- Andy Borowitz

If I got as worked up about social injustices as I do when Ben & Jerry's runs out of sprinkles I could really do some good in this world.
- Gonnnzo

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln

Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the “patty” group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets - foods that have had all their organs safely removed someplace far away, such as Nebraska.
- Dave Barry

In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds.
- Ron Piraro

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