Nifty, shifty, thrifty...Fifty! Funny 50th birthday sayings, short clean jokes, and funny quotations that’ll help you slide into the fifties with a smile. Congrats!

The best form of birth control for people over 50: nudity.

Fifty is a powerful age for women. You can set off sprinkler systems with your hot flashes.

By fifty, you’ve figured out that time is a great healer and a not-so-hot beautician.

At 50 years old, life seems shorter. No point in spending it trying to make yourself disappear by dieting.

50 years old: In Led Zeppelin terms, that's halfway up the stairway to heaven.

Turning 50? Laughter is the gift that keeps you in the present.

Funny 50th Birthday Sayings:
What You Can Expect at 50

You’ve got four sizes of clothes in your closet, three of which will never be worn again by you.

You spend more time trimming your nose hair than head hair.

You realize with some irritation that your parents were right about nearly everything.

The street vendor says “Yes, Ma’am” instead of “Sure thing, Gorgeous.’”

You finally get your head together, and your body has other ideas.

Your high school yearbook is moldy enough to support a thriving colony of algae.

When you look in a full-length mirror, you can see your butt from the front.

You're still hot, but only in flashes.

And those hot flashes? Don’t think of them as menopause. Think of them as regular short vacations in the tropics.

At 50 it's more important than ever to eat fruits and vegetables. So:
- In the morning, add an extra stalk of celery to your Bloody Mary.
- At lunch, drop an extra olive in your martini.
- And at dinner, squeeze a little more lime into that Margarita.

Funny 50th Birthday
Sayings, Group 3

I’m aiming by the time I’m fifty to stop being an adolescent.
- Wendy Cope

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
- Bob Hope

Sex is as good at 50 as it was at 20. The only difference is I’m not into all that freakin’ Cirque de Soleil stuff because I’m as flexible as a two-by-four with as much stamina as an emphysema patient on oxygen.
- Janet Periat

After fifty, one ceases to digest. As someone once said, “I just ferment my food now.”
- Henry Green

When I was young, people used to say to me: Wait until you’re fifty, you’ll see. Well, I'm fifty. I haven’t seen anything.   
- Eric Satie

Funny 50th Birthday
Sayings, Group 4

For my 50th birthday, my husband and I spent a weekend in Rehoboth Beach. My first choice was 1978, but the time machine was booked.
- Jean Sorensen

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

Celebrating 50 is like throwing a party when your odometer reaches 150,000 miles.
- Melanie White

50 is a nice, round number – it pretty much matches my body.
- Melanie White

50 isn’t old – just ask anybody who’s 90.
- Melanie White

50th Birthday Sayings
Group 5

At 50, you’ve entered the stone age: gall, kidney, and bladder.
- Anonymous

50 years old? Look on the bright side. The older you get, the more likely you are to outlive your child support payments.
-Melanie White

50 years old means no more wearing speedos on the beach. This is a rule.
- Greg Tamblyn

Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
- Charles M. Schulz

I rented a bounce house for my adults-only 50th birthday and had a blast jumping in the stupid thing. I kept expecting the Age Police to show up and ticket me.
- Janet Periat

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
- Lucille Ball

50th Birthday Sayings: Group 6

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush the net.
- Franklin P. Jones

Who said there were no such things as miracles? You made it to 50, didn’t you?
- Melanie White

You know you’re 50 when the only silver lining you can see is on your head.
- Melanie White

When you’re 50, don’t worry about turning gray. Just be glad you have hair.
- Melanie White

At 50, when you sneeze, “water under the bridge” has a completely different meaning.
- Melanie White

50th Birthday Party

A 50 year old woman’s birthday wish was to lose all her excess weight.

In one huge breath, she blew out the all candles on her cake.

Suddenly - POOF - her husband vanished.

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