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A husband and wife had been shopping at a large mall most of the day. The wife realized that she'd completely lost track of her husband. After searching all over, she finally called his cell and said, “I've looked everywhere. Where are you?”
He replied, “Baby, remember that jewelers store where you saw the matching diamond pendants and went all gushy for them, and I couldn't afford 'em then, so I swore I'd get them for you someday?”
The wife, feeling all warm and happy inside, said, “I do remember that, Darling.”
Her husband said, “Well, I'm in the sports bar right across from that shop.”
Do you know the spiritual difference between dogs and cats?
Dogs see that people give them food and water, and they don’t have to do anything. So they think, “These people are giving me food and water and I don’t even have to do anything. They must be Gods.”
Cats see that people give them food and water, and they think, “These people are giving me food and water and I don’t have to do anything. I must be a God.”
A man is sitting, reading quietly, when he hears a loud knock on the door. He opens the door and sees nobody. After a few seconds, he closes the door, sits back down and resumes reading.
A minute later there’s another loud knock on the door. He runs to the door and throws it open, but again there’s nobody there.
He looks around to make sure, but sees nothing, nobody. He glances down at his feet and there’s a snail on his stoop. He picks up the snail and heaves it across the street into some bushes.
A year passes.
One night, the man is sitting and reading when there’s a loud knock on the door. He opens the door and sees nothing. Then he looks down at his feet and sees a snail.
The snail says, “What the heck was that all about?”
The guy in the next hospital bed was in traction. He had bandages all over his body. I asked him what kind of work he did.
He said, “I used to be a professional window washer, but I gave it up.”
“When was that?” I asked.
“Oh, about halfway down.”
Four men are debating the nationality of Adam and Eve. One is from France, another is a Brit, another an Israeli, and the last is from Russia.
The Frenchman declares that Adam and Eve must have been French because they went without clothes.
The Brit says it’s much more likely they were English, because only a true English gentleman would have donated a rib.
The Israeli says, no, Adam and Eve were created in God’s holy land, which means they were Jewish.
The Russian laughs and says they’re all crazy. Only Russians, he says, would have no clothes, such plain food, and still think it’s paradise.
A tour bus full of older folks has been cruising along a freeway. In the seat right behind the driver is a sweet, kind lady. She leans forward, asks the driver if he’d like a snack, and offers him a little cup full of almonds.
The driver’s grateful and he wolfs them down. After twenty minutes, this sweet lady leans forward again and passes him another cup full of almonds. Over the next hour this happens three more times.
Finally they stop for a restroom, and the driver asks this kind, generous old lady why she and her friends aren't eating the almonds themselves. She tells him that because of their old teeth, they're not able to chew them.
"So why on earth would you buy them?" he asks.
To which the old lady answers, "Because we love to suck the chocolate off them."
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